A Small List of Things You Don't Have to Provide Your Children

As it seems that people are confused about what they "have" to provide to their children, I am going to provide you with a brief list of things you do NOT have to provide to your kids.  I'd like to light the way on the path of truth and understanding on this topic that seems to be befuddling to some.

1.  A car when they turn 16.  

2.  A down payment on their first home

3.  A cell phone

4.  A cell phone plan

5.  An Ipad or comparable tablet

6.  Designer shoes

7.  Designer clothes

8.  Unearned allowance (i.e. money they're given without chores being done)

9.  Allowance of ANY kind

10.  A TV in their bedroom

11.  A TV in your car to entertain them while you drive

12.  Your phone to watch when they're out and you need to entertain them

13.  Your phone to watch at home

14.  Happy Meals

15.  Professionally done nails

16.  An entire play room of toys

17.  Every single day after school activities

18.  Name brand cereal

19.  Tickets to opening weekend of every single movie that comes out

20.  ANYTHING when a tantrum is done to get it.

This is just a start but you get the idea.  Your children are not entitled to these things.  In fact, you are just encouraging the entitlement attitude when you give in to their every whim because you don't want to hear them cry.  You are not REQUIRED to give them any of these things.  Should you choose to do so, fine but please don't feel pressured.

Family Drama

I'd like to take a moment to discuss a very important topic: family drama.  I know, I know...it's a little heavy for a Saturday but it must be said.  In a time of more broken families than ever, there is more family drama than ever.  What does a broken family look like?  I define it a bit different than society: a broken family is ANY family that has an inability to function in a way that is not conducive to all of its members being emotionally and mentally healthy.  In short, a broken family can absolutely be a family with a mom, dad and kids.  A broken family can be a family with same sex parents and kids.  A broken family can be a family with a couple and some fur babies.  A broken family can be a family where the kids are raised by an auntie or a grandparent.  Of course, as defined by society, a broken family can also be a family where the parents are divorced.  In my opinion, broken families come in all shapes and sizes.

With that much said, here are my thoughts on a few topics under this umbrella.

Severed parent-child relationships For many years of my life, I felt like there was something wrong with me because the broken relationship in my life.  As a parent, I understand the way that kids rebel and I understand the drama that can come.  What I don't understand is ANY relationship where a parent walks away from their child over family drama.  I can't grasp the concept....at all.  When you became a parent, you understood that you were a parent for LIFE.  You are not a parent until they turn 18.  You are not a parent until they're self-sufficient.  You are not a parent until they make you mad.  You are a parent for life.  If you are okay with not speaking to your child because they made you mad, shame on you.  If you are okay with cutting a child out of your life in order to please one of your other children, shame on you.  If you are okay with not seeing your child for a decade or more just because you don't care, shame on you.  Period.

Severed child-parent relationships  Okay, I get it, you didn't choose your parents but they're the ones you've got.  They may drive you crazy but they're still your parents.  While I'm not quite as hard on the kids here, it doesn't mean I won't be hard on you.  I have a parent who decided to walk away and not talk to me over some family drama.  I have moved heaven and earth to keep in touch with them.  Why?  Because I'd rather have SOME communication than none at all.  Because I'd rather deal with their controlling "you can only contact me at this time in this way and while I'm with these people" than have no contact at all.  With that said, I definitely don't judge people who go through years and years and years of dealing with a parent that neglects and treats them like garbage and then finally cut the cord until their parent can be a healthy human being.  My advice, though, is that you work toward remaining in their life, even if it's the smallest way possible.  Regret is a terrible thing and you don't want to think that you did everything you could to repair the relationship.

Severed sibling relationship  This is far more common than it should be.  Why?  Because children aren't raised with the concept of sibling relationship anymore.  There has been sibling rivalry since the dawn of time.  However, there has also been parents standing over those siblings telling them to "knock that shit off" because they're family.  It used to be that parents told their kids to be nice to their siblings because they will be all that's left after the parents are gone.  Now, it's an era of "step aside" parenting where parents just let the kids duke it out.  They don't demand that kind of respect between siblings.  It's absurd.  However, once you're an adult, if you cut a sibling out of your life because you're mad, you're the problem.  If you cut them out because of who they talk to or what they do (as long as it's not drug use or something toxic of the like) you are the problem.  In short, if you act like a selfish turd because it suits you, you're the problem.  You can rally the troops to hate your sibling and you will still be the problem.  Period.

Cutting out extended family This is a tough one.  Here's my take: If you have a toxic parent or sibling that is gathering an army of people to hate you, you have every right to walk away.  If that is not the case, you should at least attempt to stay in their lives in some way.  I don't care if it's just a Christmas card.  I don't care if it's an occasional visit or phone call.  You should try.  If THEY make the choice to walk away, then you have to respect that and move on.  My grandparents and cousins are some of the most important people in my life.  Do they irritate me at times?  Of course and I irritate them.  What I DON'T do is decide that irritation means no communication at all.  Why?  Because I believe in the concept of family.

Look, I understand that life is hard nowadays.  I get that things can be complicated.  What I can't grasp is why we've thrown away the concept of family completely.  We are not meant to be standoffish loners walking through life and those that are put in that situation, I am so utterly sorry for what you must endure.  We are not meant to throw away our children because it doesn't fit into our clever little mold of what we think life should look like.  We are not meant to impart drama and toxicity into our family to suit our entertainment needs.  And we are certainly not meant to rally the troops against each other to build a division.  Get it together and act right!

Stop Generalizing

Let me preface this whole post by saying that I love people that promote positivity.  I also love to see when people try to fix what's broken in a relationship of any kind, whether it's a parent, siblings or anyone else.  I love when people give advice to empower people but not to boss them around.  In short, I like to see people receive a different perspective but not be told what to do like mindless zombies.  Even if I don't agree with the choices that are made, I'd rather see someone make a decision on their own with a full education/perspective on the topic.

Here goes....

While I am all for sharing your life experiences and what you've learned, I'd like to make a tiny request to those that are seasoned bloggers: please stop generalizing when it comes to people's long term relationships and marriages.  Some of the generalizations you make can actually be quite dangerous.  Allow me to explain.

Every relationship machine (if you will) works with different cogs. What works with one couple might be toxic to another.  For example, in one couple where a man watches sports for several hours a day, the wife might feel neglected, frustrated and angry and accuse him of having a sports "addiction."  In another couple, the wife of a similar man might feel like this is her alone time and put limits on his viewing habits but still allow him to watch daily.  In yet another relationship, the wife might be equally as into sports and might view his viewing habits as a positive thing.  You see, the "problem" (a man that watches sports several times a day) isn't a problem in every relationship.  In some relationships, it can actually be a bonding experience.  When a popular blogger/celebrity chooses to make a generalization regarding what's toxic to a relationship, they influence the thoughts of those that value that blogger/celebrity's opinion.  The reader, then, begins to be more easily offended by their significant other and BOOM....a relationship starts having issues it didn't previously have because of an outsider's opinion (albeit one that the blogger didn't intend to cause).

When a blogger declares a behavior "dangerous" in a relationship, they aren't considering the actual meaning of the word.  They aren't considering the implications that this word causes.  When a reader sees the word "dangerous," it triggers their defense mechanism.  "Red flag" does the same thing.  My belief is that, when talking about relationships, these words should be reserved for abusive or negligent behaviors.  And no, I'm not referring to your feelings being hurt.  I'm referring to actual abuse and negligence such as physical assault or threat of physical assault, emotional abuse (extreme name calling, belittling, threats, etc) and other such behavior.  You see, these are actually documented dangerous behaviors.  "Danger" is not an opinion in this instance; it's a fact.

Another irksome phrase used by bloggers is that people don't change.  This just isn't true.  People can't change who they are at their core; that's true.  They can, however, change their habits.  Most things that these relationship bloggers are talking about are habits, not characteristics.  Will your significant other change because you yell at them?  No.  Will they change because you bully or nag them?  No.  Can they change their habits because they choose to?  Yes, I believe they can.  Change requires dedication to the cause and prioritizing.  I don't believe it's impossible, though.  Why?  Because you see it every day with addicts.  You see it every day with people that have gone to jail.  You see it in churches.  You see it everywhere.  People hit rock bottom and change their habits in order to improve their quality of life.  The idea that "people don't change" is a completely unfounded and partially false statement.  They can change...but they have to want to do it.

A final one that I'd like to touch on is that "all men are" or "all women are" a certain way (or any other phrase of the like).  Here are some truths about "all men".... they have a penis, they have more testosterone than a woman.  The end.  Here are some truths about "all women".... they have a vagina and more estrogen than men.  The end.  All men are not dogs.  All women are not crazy.  I could go on and on.  Please, please, please stop saying using these phrases.  Just because your ex-wife cheated on you doesn't mean all women cheat.  Just because your ex-husband bullied you doesn't mean that all men do that.  Just because your ex girlfriend belittled you constantly doesn't mean all women do that.  Just because your ex boyfriend relentlessly flirted with anything with boobs doesn't mean every guy does it.  Stop creating drama that doesn't exist.

Look, I've been through a divorce.  I've had breakups.  I know how challenging it can be to deal with the emotions.  However, I don't think it's a reason to encourage others to create drama in their own relationships.  Please, bloggers, use your influence to increase positivity.  Please encourage people to be their very best...don't create drama that doesn't need to be there.  You never know whose life you're changing with your words.

***I'm not simply blaming bloggers and celebrities.  Realistically, no one should be basing their relationships on what they read.  With that said, bloggers are well aware of the influence they have on their readers.  This is a perspective to consider

The Meme That Says Getting Kicked In the Balls Hurts Worse Than Labor

There has been a meme traveling around social media that men are widely displaying.  What does it say?  Simply this: "A kick in the balls is above 9000 del (units) of pain which is similar to giving birth to 160 kids & breaking up to 3200 bones at a time."  The men are posting with captions that say "haha" and "See? Ladies quit your bitching."  Sadly, boys, it's just not true.  This is a made up fact and you need to fact check before you start posting and razzing the ladies.

Exhibit A: http://www.medicaldaily.com/why-getting-kicked-nuts-will-knock-even-strongest-man-down-304788

Exhibit B: http://factsfromfiction.blogspot.com/2012/05/human-body-handles-45-dels-units-of.html

So let me sum up what you'll learn if you read up:

1.  The "del" is a made up unit.  There is a unit called the "dol" which is from the Latin word "dolor" but it is seldom used and never really caught on after its start in the 1950s.

2.  There is not an actual "human limit" of pain.  The idea of this meme is based on the fact that the "human limit" of pain is supposedly 45 dels and women experience 57 dels of pain during childbirth. Men also don't experience 9000 "dels" of pain being that it is crazy to assume they could surpass a supposed pain threshold by that much.  This is rumor, folks.  Again, "dels" don't exist and there is no actual number threshold.  

3.  Your nociceptors are what expresses pain.  One side of it is directly related to short term pain with many more receptors.  The other side of it has fewer receptors and is responsible for dull pain.  Your nociceptors are essentially what triggers "pain."

4.  While men's jumblies are connected to nociceptors in the stomach, hence why you feel abdominal pain when getting kicked in the junk, women's reproductive system are connected to the same visceral muscles.  Same essential "pain", guys, sorry.

5.  Labor, on average, lasts 8 hours.  While they're in labor, they are dealing with tension and stretching of many muscles that causes localized, intense pain.  Yes, boys, you do get the same nausea, etc when you get kicked in the nuts that women feel during labor but you are experiencing it for less than a half an hour.

6.  Evolution has led to women having smaller hips but babies having bigger heads.  You do the math.

7.  Pain is subjective.  Everyone perceives pain in a different way.

In short, there is  no way to accurately measure this BUT it is likely that it CAN be just as painful on both sides, however it is longer and has more additional uglies that go with it in labor.  

Do your research before posting and teasing people.  Put this argument to rest and understand that both are painful.

(oh and by the way, my SHORTEST labor was 10 hours.....with no pain meds......no epidural.....so please don't lecture me on getting kicked in the nuts.  I get it, it hurts.  Until you have 10 hours of that pain and have to, then, squeeze a watermelon sized object from a coin sized hole, we can call it a draw...and I'm being generous.)

Facebook's Trending Topics Policy

The question is "Is Facebook only 'trending' non-conservative (aka liberal, etc) topics?"  Mark Zuckerberg is meeting with some conservatives, today, regarding this topic.  It's been labeled as a huge deal and a whole mess of conservatives are up in arms over it.

My answer: If you are relying on social media for your education on any topic, you might be part of the problem.

Allow me to explain....

People seem to forget why social media is around.  It is not around to serve as an encyclopedia.  It's not around to serve as a newspaper.  It's not around to be your primary news source.  It's around for social connections.  I repeat, it's for social connections.  Facebook is not a news channel, nor is it designed as such.

While it's not "fair" that Facebook may be denying conservatives their trending topics, I'm of the mind that if you are not happy with the way Facebook functions, you can exercise YOUR right to stop using it.  An easier solution would be to focus your attention on its intended use and get your political (and every other type of) education elsewhere.  Celebrities are not where you should get your news from.  Social media is not where you should get your news from.  Get your news from reputable sources and, in my opinion, at least 2-3 DIFFERENT sources.  Realistically, almost all news channels are also slanted to either the liberal or conservative side and you are better off consulting a few of these sources and then reading between the lines for what the truth may be.

This all comes back to my opinion that it is a business's right to do as they please with their business.  It is the consumer's right to choose whether or not you want to partake in that business's services.  Sure, you can give bad reviews.  Sure, you can tell all of your friends, or anyone that will listen, how much you hate a business because of a particular reason.  You can also take some responsibility and make your own choices withOUT forcing others (or businesses) to bend to your will and have to agree with you.  Variety is the spice of life.  If you don't like Facebook's trending topics, don't pay attention or discontinue Facebook or write an article on it....but stop with the expectation that Facebook needs to change its policy to suit you.

That's just my opinion.....oh and by the way, I'm an independent voter that tends on the conservative side....so there's that.  I'm not anti-conservative.  I'm anti-drama.