Stop and Think

My son is an amazing kid but he's open to teenage drama just like anyone else.  I asked him this morning why he was, out of the blue, avoiding his best friend and always wanting to hang out with this other friend.  His response was that his best friend was "acting like a jerk" and "roasting him 24/7."  I took a deep breath (you know the one...you know you're about to piss your kid off but you have to do what's right as a parent) and asked him, "Why do you think that is?"

Then we had a talk.

We talked about some incidents from the past weekend that he hadn't thought about where, maybe just maybe, his friend felt neglected by him.  We talked about some incidents where maybe, just maybe, his friend felt like he was not being included.  We talked about how he felt when people did those things to him.  We talked about the fact that , sometimes, what seems innocent and nonchalant to you may be a completely different experience to someone else.  We talked about how he might be contributing to his friend treating him that way.

He got an attitude right off the bat and seemed to be blowing me off.  I had to trust that I had planted a seed.  I had put the concept in his head and I had to trust years of parenting him to know that he would really think about what I'd said, even if it made him mad.

About twenty minutes later, he came back and said that he thought I was right.  Now comes the hard part...."I'm glad you thought about it.  What are YOU going to do to fix it?"  He's not a baby anymore.  I can't go talk to his friend's mom and arrange a playdate to fix things.  It is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to resolve what's going on.  I'll say that again: it is HIS responsibility.  That's right, folks.  I'm not responsible for fixing his problems.  I'm responsible for encouraging him to see what he might be doing to contribute to the problem and then DISCUSSING how HE can fix it.

But he's just a child.

That's right.  He's a child and he needs to learn how to solve problems on his own before he becomes an adult.  I'm here to guide him but I'm not here to carry him.  I'm not here to pat his shoulder and say, "Let mommy fix it" when it's something that he's capable of handling (with some support).  Does he like that I point out when he's not acting right?  No.  Does he like that I don't solve it for him?  Probably not.  It's not my job to make his life easy, though; it's my job to make him into a capable, well-mannered adult that can function in the real world.  Sometimes, that requires me to step outside of my comfort zone and tell him things that he doesn't want to hear.

I'm happy to report that he made a wise choice and apologized.  I'm happy to report that he stopped blaming and started analyzing it to figure out what might be causing it.  What I'm even more happy about, though, is that he handled it on his own.  I'm happy that my guidance was enough to make him think twice.  Now, as he ages, he will always have that seed planted to make him think twice about how he might be contributing.  Sometimes, he may not be the cause at all and that's okay.  Sometimes, he might just need to analyze to figure out how he can help (even if he's not the cause) and that's something I'm sure he will start to come into as he ages.  The point is that he is learning how to manage life so that he isn't panicking when he's older and can't figure out why his wife is mad at him.

Parenting isn't always fun.  As they get into their teenage years, it's less about saying "no-no" and more about saying, "What do you think I'm going to say?"  It's less about saying, "Absolutely not happening" and more about saying, "Tell me why I should allow this and what you're going to do to make sure that this doesn't turn out badly."  It's not about me trying to stop him from doing every little thing but more about making him stop to think about how the choices he makes affect him.  I won't always be around to stop him from doing dumb stuff but those words and these lessons will be around for life.  Stop and think is ALWAYS a beneficial thing to know.

So if your kid gets mad at you today (or any day) for being a parent, just know that it this, too, shall pass.  You'll thank yourself and society will thank you later on for not raising an entitled twit.

Distractions in this election

Issues I care about in this election: 1-Our safety as a nation and all that comes with that 2- ILLEGAL immigration 3-Our economy and improving it 4-Encouraging big companies to come back here and improve our job situation 5-Our military, both active and veterans and their care 6- The Constitution and actually abiding by it 7-Our educational system 8-Energy independence from other nations 9-Welfare reform that truly helps those that need it and pinches off those that abuse the system 10-Obamacare and the solutions to this...... Things I don't give a tiny rat's ass about 1-Things that EITHER candidate said over a decade ago. 2-The specifics of someone's tax records on either side 3- The teensy weensy specifics of how corrupt someone is because I've heard enough about BOTH sides and how corrupt they are. ** Look, both parties are absolutely disgusting at this point, as a whole. They both are. There is so much mud slinging going on that no one is even close to considering the REAL issues here. I want to know what the hell the future of our country looks like. Seriously, enough with the dumbass distractions from both sides. Can we please, please, please start talking about how to improve our situation? Even a good therapist will tell you that you can't improve your future if you won't let go of the past. Stop digging up ridiculousness on each other and tell me what YOU can do for this nation.

Phew.  Okay, rant over.

What this all comes down to, for me, is this.  I don't want to focus on every little issue from the past.  I know all about the dirty laundry on both sides.  What I want to know is not what they did last year, ten years ago or when they were in college.  What I want to know is what they're going to do to fix the state of our nation. 
How are you going to work with other nations to combat the radicals that are trying to attack essentially everyone? 
What are you going to do to combat it within our country?
What are we going to do to combat illegal immigration without destroying legal immigration and the mixing pot that comes with it?
What incentives will bring our big companies back here so we can manufacture here again and create jobs?
What are you going to do to take care of our active military and their families?
What steps are you going to take to revamp our country's veteran care?
Are you actually going to stand by the Constitution and what it entails?
What are you going to do to fix our broken education system?  Will you put education back into the hands of the teachers instead of some standardized bullshit system?
What are you going to do to encourage energy independence for us so we can stop relying on foreign nations that use it as a bargaining tool?
What are you going to do to reform welfare?  There are those that truly need help that can't get it.  Then there are those that abuse the system for generations.  How will you work toward fixing that?
What about Obamacare?  Yes some people got insurance  that couldn't have gotten it before but millions lost it and are now being penalized for not being able to afford it.  What are you going to do to find a happy medium?

Stop focusing on these bullcrap mud slinging issues and tell me what YOU are going to do to fix the state of our country for the positive.  Don't give me vague promises.  Give me specifics.  Let's move our country in a more positive direction and stop all of this ridiculous childish bologna!

I Don't Understand Hate

A post was made yesterday that talked about the hatred and entitlement an individual felt based on her color.  As I always do, I went and researched on my own.  I didn't want to believe that she felt this hatred for someone simply based on skin pigmentation.  I didn't want to believe that those were her words.  I wanted to believe that it was taken out of context.  I wanted to believe that it just wasn't true.  I looked up her page, directly, and was saddened immediately.  It is true.  This hatred exists.  This pure, unadulterated hatred for someone based on skin pigment.

I.....don't.......understand.

It has never been about black or white for me.  I have never been handed anything easily.  My parents were teenage parents and had to work day and night (literally) to make a life for our family.  As an adult, I've never been handed a single thing.  I've had to work for every step that I've taken.  I've had to fight tooth and nail just to get by.  I don't work a job where I make some crazy amount of money.  I work constantly to make a life for my kids.  But none of this is the point of this post.  This comes across as angry and it's definitely not angry.  It's pure inability to understand why anyone would think that skin color means I'm given incredible privilege.

I can't grasp the concept of hatred, period.

I believe you have two choices in life.  You can let all of the strife and heartache you endure to harden your heart.  You can develop disdain for everything and everyone.  You can focus all of your attention on how unfair it is.  OR You can focus on what you do have.  You can choose to let the strife and heartache give you more compassion for others.  You can choose to let your hurts give you the knowledge to help someone else through their own hurts.  You see, hatred is a choice.  

I choose to love you anyway.

I'm sure my love for God is an extremely large part of why I feel this way.  If I'm being honest, it's not that I always understand it, but I know it's there.  I know that, deep down, the feelings of anger are usually fear.  The feelings of frustration usually stem from sadness and fear.  I can dislike people.  In fact, I can dislike them strongly but I don't hate.  Hate means that I can find nothing good inside of them and I believe that somewhere, deep inside of everyone, there is something wonderful.  I believe that people that do even the most heinous acts have some good somewhere deep down inside.  Does it mean they shouldn't be punished?  Of course not, their choices are still reprehensible.   Does it mean that they should be hated?  I don't believe so.  They can be loved while their actions are hated.  They can be prayed for even while we pray for the victims of their crimes.

You can hate me, but I'll love you and pray for you.

So for those that hate based on skin color (regardless of which side you're on), I will pray for you.  I don't mean that in some belittling way, as if I'm better than you.  I'm not.  I'll pray for your heart to be given peace and love.  I'll pray for you to be able to see your fellow man as an ally and not an enemy.  I'll pray that our differences will, indeed, create something wonderful that helps us to come together for a common good.  I'll pray that your heart can see you the way that I do....a beautiful soul.  I'll love you exactly as you are.  I'll love you even if you hate me; not because I'm entitled or better or I have a better life, but because I see your soul and it is beautiful, no matter how hurt it is.  I don't see your skin color.  I don't see your eye color or your hair color.  I don't see whether or not you have tattoos or piercings.  I don't see whether you have perfect teeth or teeth muddled from years of drug use.  I see YOU.  And YOU are beautiful.

Judging Others

I will not judge you based on the color of your skin.  I will not judge you based on your religion or lack thereof.  I will not judge you based on your weight.  I will not judge you based on whether or not you have tattoos or piercings.  I will not judge you based on cultural background.  I will not judge you based on how much money you make.

Here are some things I WILL judge you on....

What you do with the trash in your car:  I don't care if your car is a fucking mess.  I won't judge that.  Litter, though, and you're an ass.  Sorry but there is always another option.

What you do with your shopping cart:  Look, there are those that are physically unable to return the cart to a corral and I don't judge them.  However, the vast majority are just assholes who don't want to walk the 20 feet to the corral.  You, sir, are an ass.

What you do with your dirty diapers at a park, zoo, etc:  This is a HUGE pet peeve.  Look, I've had 4 kids and have been a nanny for several kids.  I know that it can be a pain to hunt for a trash can with your little ones in tow.  Honestly, though, if you're one of those douchebags that leaves their dirty diaper on a park bench or on the ground in a parking garage because you're too lazy to find a trash can or throw it out when you get home, you're an ass.

What you do with your dog's waste:  I absolutely love animals and have a soft spot for dogs.  What I don't have a soft spot for is people leaving their dog shit in public parks for everyone to step in.  What you do in your own yard, I won't judge you for.  What you leave on an open trail that the rest of us are walking on, I will.  You're an ass.

Whether or not you open a door for an elderly person.  While I'm of the opinion that you should open a door for a lady (because I believe in being a gentleman), I won't judge you if you don't share my opinion.  What I WILL judge you on is whether or not you open a door for the elderly man or woman that is shuffling toward the door in public.  It's just fucking manner.  If you choose not to, you're an ass.

Whether or not you say "thank you" to servers, bank tellers or anyone else that does a service for you: I don't care if you make $15,000 a year or if you make $150,000 a year.  Manners are manners and you need to say "thank you."  If you choose not to, you're an asshole.

Manners seem to be an underrated thing, anymore.  I won't judge you for a whole lot of things but I will, most certainly, judge you for being a rude fuck.

*Sorry to those concerned about language.  I feel strongly on this topic and it makes me mad as a hornet when people act like they were raised by wolves.

You Can Make a Difference

I think that one of the greatest things we can teach our children is not to force things.  When I look at my generation and I see where we are now, I see that we made a whole lot of decisions based on the fact that we thought that's what we were supposed to do.  We thought that we were supposed to settle down, get married and have kids at a certain age.  We thought that we HAD to decide on a career at 18 when we started college.  We thought that we had to buy a house near our parents.  We thought that we had to have holiday meals with our family and never move outside of our little tribal circle.

Then, I look at my generation now.  At least half, if not more, of us are divorced.  Some remarried, some haven't really dated, and some are not interested in ever getting married again after our experiences. At least half aren't even using a degree that they obtained right out of high school.  Some just got a different job, some are pursuing something currently, and some aren't even sure what they're supposed to do.  At least half of us don't have that house near our parents.  In fact, statistically a lot of people lost or sold them in their divorce or in the mortgage crisis while others had to move due to jobs and others moved voluntarily for a better life.  You see, we tried to force a life that we weren't ready to have and ended up realizing that we should have taken those years to really think on who we were.

I am a firm believer in encouraging (not forcing but encouraging) kids to really wait until they're at least 24 or 25 to get married and settle down.  I did it much earlier, as did many of my friends, and I have learned so much from it.  I don't think that a whole lot of people truly know what they want to do at 18.  I don't think many of them realize that they haven't even unwrapped all of the layers of who they are and your late teens are twenties are the best time to find that out!  I think that kids benefit more from not having these hard expectations on what exactly they have to do.  It doesn't have to be a cookie cutter business to be successful.  True happiness and success come from doing what you're meant to do, not what you have been forced into doing.

What has changed the way our country works is that we seem to have developed a "me" complex.  We forget that part of our responsibility, as a nation, is to mentor the upcoming generation on what we've learned.  Will they always listen?  No, in fact, they may not seem like they're listening at all....until they encounter a situation where they need to use the advice and realize that you weren't trying to boss them around; you were trying to help them.  Part of our responsibility as a nation is to encourage them to change the world.  It's important for us to encourage them to shoot for the starts because great advances come from people who think outside the box.  Shouldn't their parents be taking care of that?  Of course they should  but what harm does it do to reinforce that teaching?  Why have we gone from "it takes a village" to "screw the village, I'm saving my house?"  It may not be your "job" to mentor these kids but a great man once said, "Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country."

I've sort of gotten off track.  My apologies.

My point in all of this is that if we want to raise a better generation, we need to encourage them to be what they were meant to be.  Maybe it's not what we pictured or what would make the most money but it's what will fill their soul.  If we want to help the current generation, we need to be there to mentor them, even if when it's not fun.  You see, when they find what their soul needs to fill it, they, too, will want to do something wonderful to change the nation.  Big changes can begin with just one small step.

Rec League Sports Parents

As a sports mama, I have to say that I'm amazed at the audacity of people in the crowds of rec leagues.  I completely understand the competitive nature that lives inside of all of us (some more than others) but I'm floored at the language and actions of the parents, family and friends of those watching rec leagues.  Here are my feelings on the topic....

1.  It is NEVER okay to insult another player on your team or your opponent's.  NEVER.  You absolutely may not treat these kids like they fall under your little insult umbrella because you're unhappy with their play.  It's a rec league.  Stop it.  Seriously.

2.  No one is more passionate about sports than this mama but passion means respect for the sport and the athletes playing it.  Stop acting like you're some damn NFL/MLB/NBA/NHL coach.  Seriously.

3.  Respect the coaches.  Most of the time, these coaches are volunteers.  Their concern is more for making sure that the kids involved have fun, get a chance to play and learn to love the game.

4.  Respect the refs. Against, mostly volunteers.  Everyone makes mistakes, folks.  It's a rec league, it's not the NHL playoffs.

5.  Cheer for your team...your WHOLE team.  I don't care if they never hit a ball or drop the ball every time it's hit to them.  Cheer for them anyway.

Here are 10 things you should NEVER do as a rec league sports parent....

1.  NEVER boo the other team.  Seriously, sometimes where they get put is just luck of the draw.  These kids do not deserve to be boo'ed.  They're doing their best.

2.  NEVER boo anyone on your own team.  Yes, I've seen this happen.  No, it's not okay.  Ever.

3.  NEVER yell at your coach for letting everyone play.  That's their "job."  How else are these kids going to learn?

4.  NEVER yell at your kid on the field, sidelines or bench.  I'm sorry but it's never okay to humiliate them while they're in the middle of a game.

5.  NEVER yell at the refs.  This is not professional sports, folks.  Sometimes they miss the call.  It's not the end of the world.

6.  NEVER throw things on the field.  Yup, I've seen this too.

7.  NEVER trash talk kids in the stands.  First of all, we don't like to hear our kids trash talked.  Secondly, we don't like to hear other kids trash talked.  Third, you're a douche if you do this.

8.  NEVER encourage your kid to cheat.  Yup, I"ve seen it.

9.  NEVER encourage your child to hurt someone else.  Sadly, seen this too.

10.  NEVER forget that this is not a professional league.  Your kids aren't getting paid and this isn't for a scholarship.  They're learning and having fun.

Here are 5 things you ABSOLUTELY should do as a rec league sports parent....

1.  Give a cheer for EVERYONE.  Yes, I understand your team is playing an opponent but it's perfectly okay to say, "Great catch" or "Nice throw" to an opponent's child.  It certainly doesn't hurt your team and, let's face it, you may just make that kid's day.

2.  Teach your kid to be a good sport.  If you're winning, you're not taunting the other team.  If you're losing, you're not acting like a brat about it.  and you ALWAYS go shake hands after the game.

3.  Let the coach know you're behind them.  Tell your coach you appreciate them.  They're likely volunteering their time and energy being there.

4.  Let the refs know you respect their calls.  Period.

5.  Remember that your kids are playing to learn to love the game.  Remember that they're learning the rules and techniques on how to be a better player.  Down the road, maybe you can cheer for them in a professional game.  For now, just be glad they're making effort, working hard and your support means more to them than anything else.

That Last Ten Pounds

I'm a big believer that social media has many assets.  I love that the internet has research available at our finger tips.  I'm so happy that technology has allowed us to communicate with loved ones so far away.  I'm not blaming technology here....at all.

I'm also not blaming celebrities, well not completely anyway.  I know that they're proud and their social media accounts and articles in magazines are serving a multitude of purposes from increasing exposure to just being proud of their accomplishments.

Here's my problem.....

I know someone quite close to me that has two children.  Their youngest one is still a preschooler, yet they are absolutely devastated that they can't get back to their "pre baby weight."  We are talking obsessively counting calories, exercising to the point of exhaustion, and considering cosmetic procedures in order to lose "that last ten pounds."  I see it, all too often.  I see moms so worried about getting back to their pre-baby weight that it actually makes them sick.  It makes me so incredibly sad.

To you moms, I say this:

It's okay, Moms.  It's okay to not lose that last ten pounds.  Your body changed when you had that baby because it is now better suited to your needs.  What you're perceiving to be a failure is the way that our bodies were designed.  The reason you "can't lose that last ten pounds" is because you're not meant to....clearly.  You've obsessively counted calories, avoided junk food, avoided carbs, ate nothing but salads, and exercised until you couldn't stand up and it won't go away.  It's not meant to go away.  It's your body's way of telling you "enough's enough."

Please, please, please stop looking to celebrities and wondering how they can do it.  They're photo shopped! No seriously, they're photoshopped!  As a photographer, myself, I know this one.  They're struggling just like you.  They might even be obsessing like you.

And please don't consider cosmetic surgery to fix it.  Please.  You look beautiful just like you are.  Your husband (or boyfriend or whatever the case may be) loves you exactly as you are.  Be proud of your body.

And finally, if I can say one last thing, PLEASE stop making this into a big deal in front of your daughters.  You are creating a VERY unhealthy mindset.  You're literally molding your daughters into obsessively over-concerned little beings who will never love their body either.

Please, moms, focus on your body being healthy.  Focus on your body getting the fuel it needs and not just obsessively counting calories.  Focus on your body feeling energetic to run around with your kids.  Focus on getting some sleep so you can wake up early with them and eat pancakes in your pj's.  Know that you're perfect exactly how you are!  Channel that energy into showing your daughters that your body is not what defines you.  Channel that energy into teaching them that it's okay to not have "the perfect body."  Channel that energy into teaching them that being healthy is what the focus should be...not worrying about the numbers on the scale.  Teach them that their impact on your body is something you embrace and love so they, too, will embrace it when they have children.

You're beautiful, Mama....don't change a thing