Divorce is prevalent in the families of children affected by autism. In fact, there are statistics that are frightening, especially since stability can make all the difference to a child who's been diagnosed with autism. Particularly right after diagnosis, when the parents are still trying to decide on a treatment plan and put it into place, the stress level in your household is crazy high. The phrase "it gets worse before it gets better" is one hundred percent true. It truly does. Just when you think you can't handle anything else, the stress level gets higher. Parents get at each other's throats not knowing how to deal with the stress. Fights ensue and divorces happen. It's a scary statistic.
I'm not a doctor and, frankly, I'm divorced myself. I can't tell you some study I've done. I can only tell you what I've seen and experienced.... support system is key. Here are some touch points on the importance of support when your child has challenges.....
*Hold your family and friends close. Maybe your friends ARE you family. Maybe your family ARE your best friends. Either way, hold them close. Educate them on what's going on and what you're working on. Maybe it means modifications in their homes or understanding that you can't go to crowded festivals if you have a child who is overwhelmed by noise. Maybe it's something more simple like just being there to listen to you when you're stressed. Keep them close.
*Accept help. I had a very hard time being able to accept anyone helping me. I experienced a period of guilt for feeling like I "caused" my son's challenges. I felt like I needed to compensate by being super mom. (I still struggle with this occasionally). I didn't want help....but there was nothing more damaging to my health. Accept the help. Be okay with allowing someone to give you a hand with anything from cooking a meal or tidying up to picking up kids from activities or making a run to the store for you in a pinch. Your family and friends are there to help and it helps them to help you (and vice versa, I'm sure).
*Date nights. If you are in a relationship or married, I cannot stress enough the importance of date nights (or days). That hour or two to reconnect makes all the difference. In a high stress environment, it's hard to see the positives. By taking that time to reconnect, you're actually doing your children a service. It's a time to recommit yourself to each other and just enjoy each other's company....to remember that you're "in the trenches" together and you love each other.
*Communication. I don't want to say that you should communicate a certain way. Some do it through shouting (ironic but true), some through writing, some through talking, some through taking a break to gather their thoughts. There are so many ways to communicate and I can't say I judge you on what works for your relationship. What I can say is that communication is key. Being able to express yourself effectively without attacking your partner is a very important skill. Learn it....use it.....own it.
*Hug your kiddo. It doesn't sound like it fits in the support system speech but it does. Hug your kiddo and remind yourself that you're a great parent. You're learning to accept help for their sake because it helps you be a better parent to them. You're communicating better for their sake because it helps you be a better parent. You're taking time outs with your spouse to be a better parent. You're learning skills that will benefit you later in life, as well. Just hug em and tell em how much you love em.
In all of this, take a deep breath and know that you're kicking butt. Learn the importance of your support system to you and your kiddos. It can make all the difference.
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