Halloween Advice

Here are my 5 big nuggets of advice/commentary on Halloween this year......

1.  If your children are of the "older trick or treater" variety, please teach them to take a step back for the younger kids if they're all rushing to the door at the same time.  The young 'ens have less experience and will, often, freeze up if they're shoved out of the way.  Not to mention, we should be teaching our older kids to be good examples anyway.  Seriously, tell them to take a step back, encourage the little ones forward first and then get their candy.  Compassion, helpful attitudes and patience are always important lessons.

2.  If you are a clown or you decided to let your kid dress up as a clown, just be aware that this is not a great year for it, especially with the kids.  You are opening yourself up to a whole lot of scared people who may react out of fear if you try to scare them.  In short, don't be a dick because it's a good way to get shot by an unsuspecting homeowner that is just trying to protect their home and think that you're attacking them.

3.  "Please" and "Thank you".  Seriously.  Use them early and use them often.  If my kids are rude at someone's house, I make them return their candy.  Believe me....they make it a priority.

4.  Please don't be the house that says "aren't you too old?"  They might well be "too old" but at least they're not out egging houses and causing mischief.  Worse yet, at least they aren't out partying and getting drunk or drugged out.  Be part of the solution, not the problem.  It's not really costing you much to give them a piece of candy and tell them they have a great costume.

5.  Stranger danger.  I can't stress this enough.  Halloween is prime time for people to be able to snatch kids.  Keep your kids close and teach them to not walk away with ANYONE else.  Candy is not worth disappearing.  Halloween is a fun holiday but child abductions are a very real thing.  If your kids are going out "on their own," make sure they do it with a group.  Keep them safe.  Monsters aren't always dressed that way; they often look more innocent than most.

Families are Teams

I believe that one of the most important things you can teach your children that your family is a team. One child isn't better than the other.  Each child has their strengths and weaknesses.  Each child has their role to play in the family and the roles, like a teams role, are constantly evolving.  We aren't meant to compete with each other; we are meant to encourage each other.  We should encourage strength and support in other's weaknesses.  We should be there to cheer on and encourage their strengths and help them develop them even more.  Teaching them that they are a team early on encourages them to cheer for each other.  Will they still fight?  Sure.  Will they still have disagreements and ugly moments?  Of course.  The fact remains that they will learn that family is meant to have each other's backs.  We are meant to be here for each other.

"Well, if you loved your kid enough, you'd be there....."

"Well if you cared enough about your kid,  you'd just take off work..."  I hear this from other parents pretty frequently.  My job happens to be pretty flexible and I can make it to a good deal of my children's school activities and such.  My work at the studio is also relatively fluid, if necessary.  I have incredible bosses who understand the importance of family.  Unfortunately, some people are not as fortunate.

Before you judge a single mom (or dad) and say the aforementioned phrase, I want you to take a few moments to stop and think.  Single parents (and working parents in general) aren't working long hours and/or multiple jobs because they want to escape their children; they're doing it to financially support their children.  Belittling them for not being able to make it to every school activity is wrong on so many levels.  Making it to the Halloween class party has nothing to do with whether or not they love their child.  What you don't know is that they can't make it to the class party because they made sure to schedule to take time to take them trick or treating.  What you don't know is that they can't make it to the holiday party because they took off special time to make it to a special family Hanukkah celebration.  You see, as you judge them for how much they care about their kid, you don't realize that they have to prioritize to make sure that their child gets those special events.  Not all jobs are flexible, folks.  Working parents have to prioritize, sometimes, to balance and they don't need your shaming.  They just don't.

Look, despite what you might think, your children are not going to grow up and think, "You know, I thought my mom loved me but she missed my third grade Halloween party so I must be wrong."  Your children don't define your love based on whether or not you make it to every single school event (especially those during the day).  Yes, it is more important to give your children time than stuff but that doesn't mean that if you miss something that is (brace yourselves room moms because it sounds harsh but I promise I don't mean it in a cruel way) somewhat trivial, it's not the end of the world.  They will be no worse for the wear.

So if you're a working mom and you hear this, what can you do?  My advice is to say, "I hate that I can't be there but I'm so thankful that there are moms that ARE able to make it to make the day special.  Thank you."  Not only are you being the bigger person AND thanking them for their volunteerism but you are also letting them know that the topic is no longer up for discussion.  They see that you are not bothered that you can't be there for the apple bobbing and cupcake decorating because you'll do your own activities outside of the school building.

If you're the mom that is saying this phrase, there is still time to change.  Stop and think.  Are you being productive with your words?  Are you encouraging others?  Don't hide behind a "well I just tell it like it is" attitude.  If you are guilting other parents like this, you're not "telling it like it is," you're being an asshole.  Just know that we, as working parents, appreciate you (even if you don't hear it enough...and often, you probably don't) and that we are just doing our best just like you.  Thank you for being there to make these events special.

We can all be part of the same team and do different things but we need to be helpful to each other and encourage each other in this crazy roller coaster of life.  Be the change you want to see.

Stop and Think

My son is an amazing kid but he's open to teenage drama just like anyone else.  I asked him this morning why he was, out of the blue, avoiding his best friend and always wanting to hang out with this other friend.  His response was that his best friend was "acting like a jerk" and "roasting him 24/7."  I took a deep breath (you know the one...you know you're about to piss your kid off but you have to do what's right as a parent) and asked him, "Why do you think that is?"

Then we had a talk.

We talked about some incidents from the past weekend that he hadn't thought about where, maybe just maybe, his friend felt neglected by him.  We talked about some incidents where maybe, just maybe, his friend felt like he was not being included.  We talked about how he felt when people did those things to him.  We talked about the fact that , sometimes, what seems innocent and nonchalant to you may be a completely different experience to someone else.  We talked about how he might be contributing to his friend treating him that way.

He got an attitude right off the bat and seemed to be blowing me off.  I had to trust that I had planted a seed.  I had put the concept in his head and I had to trust years of parenting him to know that he would really think about what I'd said, even if it made him mad.

About twenty minutes later, he came back and said that he thought I was right.  Now comes the hard part...."I'm glad you thought about it.  What are YOU going to do to fix it?"  He's not a baby anymore.  I can't go talk to his friend's mom and arrange a playdate to fix things.  It is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to resolve what's going on.  I'll say that again: it is HIS responsibility.  That's right, folks.  I'm not responsible for fixing his problems.  I'm responsible for encouraging him to see what he might be doing to contribute to the problem and then DISCUSSING how HE can fix it.

But he's just a child.

That's right.  He's a child and he needs to learn how to solve problems on his own before he becomes an adult.  I'm here to guide him but I'm not here to carry him.  I'm not here to pat his shoulder and say, "Let mommy fix it" when it's something that he's capable of handling (with some support).  Does he like that I point out when he's not acting right?  No.  Does he like that I don't solve it for him?  Probably not.  It's not my job to make his life easy, though; it's my job to make him into a capable, well-mannered adult that can function in the real world.  Sometimes, that requires me to step outside of my comfort zone and tell him things that he doesn't want to hear.

I'm happy to report that he made a wise choice and apologized.  I'm happy to report that he stopped blaming and started analyzing it to figure out what might be causing it.  What I'm even more happy about, though, is that he handled it on his own.  I'm happy that my guidance was enough to make him think twice.  Now, as he ages, he will always have that seed planted to make him think twice about how he might be contributing.  Sometimes, he may not be the cause at all and that's okay.  Sometimes, he might just need to analyze to figure out how he can help (even if he's not the cause) and that's something I'm sure he will start to come into as he ages.  The point is that he is learning how to manage life so that he isn't panicking when he's older and can't figure out why his wife is mad at him.

Parenting isn't always fun.  As they get into their teenage years, it's less about saying "no-no" and more about saying, "What do you think I'm going to say?"  It's less about saying, "Absolutely not happening" and more about saying, "Tell me why I should allow this and what you're going to do to make sure that this doesn't turn out badly."  It's not about me trying to stop him from doing every little thing but more about making him stop to think about how the choices he makes affect him.  I won't always be around to stop him from doing dumb stuff but those words and these lessons will be around for life.  Stop and think is ALWAYS a beneficial thing to know.

So if your kid gets mad at you today (or any day) for being a parent, just know that it this, too, shall pass.  You'll thank yourself and society will thank you later on for not raising an entitled twit.

Bullying Solutions

I saw a meme today saying that we are raising a generation of sissies.  I agree.  What I didn't agree on was the fact that the meme simply states "Bullying happens."  No, no it doesn't "happen."  Bullying is an action; it's a choice.  It doesn't just "happen."  While I feel that it's important to teach our kids how to defend themselves, it is NOT  the solution to teach them that fighting is a way to solve things.  Almost any martial arts (or similar activity) will tell you that you learning how to defend yourself doesn't mean you jump on everyone that comes by; you use it only when you NEED to.  Defense is about protecting yourself if someone is attacking.

We definitely need to teach our children how to protect themselves but we need to teach them how to advocate for themselves, too.  We need to teach them how to handle it when someone even STARTS bullying; before it moves further along.

More than that, we need to step up as a society.  We need to stop accepting it as if it's normal.  We need to start calling out our children if they bully.  It's not okay to bully ANYONE....ever.  We need to stop letting our children believe that they can pick and choose who they need to treat with respect.  We need to okay our schools to step up and handle it, even if it means that your child may be the one that gets punished.  We need to be on top of this.  It won't happen overnight but it needs to happen.

While I fully agree that we are raising sissies, we don't need to raise bullies either.  Let's focus on raising kids who treat everyone with dignity and respect.

Try

"If at first you don't succeed, try again."  It's something that you hear all the time.  It's a quote that every parent repeats and every teacher pounds into their student's heads.  But what if you feel like you can't try?  What if you're at the bottom of your rope and you don't know how to let go?  What if you feel like you don't want to get out of bed because it's just too hard?

Try.

I'm not even going to tell you to fake it until you make it.  I'm not going to tell you to pretend ANYTHING.  I just want you to take one breath at a time.  I want you to just get out of bed. Then focus on just taking a shower.  Then focus on just getting dressed.  One step at a time, you'll get through.  Try.  Keep trying and when you can't think of what to do next, keep trying some more.

Now I want to talk to the friends of those that can't try.  You need to try even harder.  I'm not asking you to fix things; there's no guarantee you can do that.  I want you to try.  I want you to call them to check on them and if they don't answer, keep calling. I want you to check on them.  I want you to do whatever you can to let them know you're there. Even if they turn you down a thousand times to go do something, try.  Even if they snap at you, try.  They are traveling a road that they are struggling to even see right now.  Try.  Just try.

You are Beautiful

You are beautiful.  Yes, you!  Don't let the world tell you what beautiful is.  Don't let the world tell you that the only "beautiful" women are the Kardashian wannabes.  Don't let the world tell you that your hair has to be straight or long or wavy or short.  Don't let the world tell you that you can't wear glasses.  Don't let the world tell you that can't dress a certain way if you want to be considered beautiful.  You are beautiful right where you're at.

Look in the mirror right now.  You were created to be exactly who you are and you are absolutely beautiful.  Believe it.  Tell yourself every day, ten times a day until you do.  Be comfortable in your own skin.  Know that you don't have to prove yourself.  You're amazing.  Your beauty runs so much deeper than skin, too.  You are beautiful to the depths of your soul.  You are kind and caring.  You are compassionate.  You are everything you need to be right now in your heart; it just has to shine through every day.

Each and every one of you....

Loving Unconditionally

I was told, recently, that being a friend means that you are supposed to support someone regardless of what they do.  The speaker defined this as "unconditional love."  I blatantly disagree.  In fact, this opinion of "unconditional love" is what makes me cringe.  Here's the skinny on this topic....

Unconditional love is not doing whatever someone wants.  Unconditional love is not always agreeing with them even when it's wrong.  Unconditional love is not supporting someone's decisions regardless of what they do.  Let me repeat that:  unconditional love is not supporting someone's decisions regardless of what they do.  Unconditional love means loving someone right where they're at.  It means loving them in spite of their weaknesses.  In fact, unconditional love is loving someone so much that you're willing to fight for them and with them (and this is NOT referring to physical fighting.)

You are NOT required to support someone's bad decisions if you unconditionally love them.  In fact, it is your duty to lovingly let them know that what they're doing might be a poor decision.  If they change their mind, great.  If they don't, its your job to be there for them to pick them up when the bad decision doesn't work out.  Loving someone means that they are allowed to make mistakes and you'll love them regardless BUT you also love them enough to say, "Hey, I don't want to see you get hurt.  You might want to think about it...."  You are allowed to tell them that they're making a poor choice.

Loving someone means that you're bold enough to be the voice of reason when it's needed.  It means that you're ready to stand up to them and let them know that you love them BUT they are about to make a really poor decision.  It means that you'll be there to help them pick up the pieces after.  It means that you stand by them when they're fighting to make themselves better.  It means that you're there to dry their tears and make them laugh when they need it most.  It means that you are ready, at a moment's notice, to stop what you're doing and run to their side if they're hurt.  Loving someone is about walking with someone daily in this crazy life and encouraging them to be the best person they can be while you do the same.

Teal Pumpkins on Halloween

There's a movement to help allergy kids on Halloween.  How?  Put out a teal pumpkin in front of your house.  It's just that simple.  Then, instead of handing out candy, hand out glow sticks or pencils or some other fun item.  Why is this important?

1.  You're acknowledging that there are other children that aren't fortunate enough to live life without having to know every ingredient in every food.  Seriously, children (and adults) that are allergic have to be constantly aware of every....single.....thing they put in their mouth.  There's no "let's throw caution to the wind."  They grow up very quickly.

2.  You're teaching YOUR children to acknowledge and have some compassion for kids that are dealing with this challenge.  It's important for kids to understand that there are others that have challenges to deal with and it is a privilege to try to help them.

3.  You're actually making an effort to be a better person.  Educating yourself and showing kindness is amazing and it'll be worth it for you to see the smile on that child's face when they don't have to come up to the door and say, "No thank you." 

Show love.  Show kindness.  Be the change you want to see.

Inspiration

What inspires you?  What is it that lights the fire in your soul?  Maybe it's a person.  Maybe it's an activity.  Maybe it's something different.  It could be absolutely anything.  We are each created with very different and unique souls.  We are recharged differently, experience love differently, and we all are inspired a little differently.  Take whatever inspires you and create something wonderful, no matter how big or small.  Inspire others.  Create new ideas.  Change the world one small chunk at a time.

What are You Proud of Yourself For?

What is one thing that you're really proud of yourself for?

This is a question that we simply don't ask ourselves enough.  We pick and poke at ourselves.  We beat ourselves up for things that we can't do.  We get mad at ourselves.  We tell ourselves the things that we're doing wrong but what are we doing right?  What are we really proud of ourselves for?

I'm proud of myself for my persistence.  By the grace of God, I've overcome a whole lot of obstacles, even w hen I didn't think I could.  I'll bet you have too.  I'll bet you've overcome more than you give yourself credit for.  Be proud of it.

I'm proud of myself for always learning.  I choose to continue to educate myself every single day to help me grow as a person.  I'll bet you learn new things daily, as well. Be proud of it.

I'm proud of myself for learning to manage my anxiety.  Some days it's really easy and some days it's harder to manage but I'm proud of myself for working to manage it on a daily basis.  I'll bet you work on managing something difficult in your life, too.  Be proud of it.

Even though some of these things may seem small to you, it's important for you to take the time to tell yourself that you're proud.  It's important for you to be there to boost your own spirits when no one else can or will.  You're accomplishing great things every single day.  Take time today to focus on what you're doing right.

Tidbit on Weakness

There is truth in the expression that you can find strength in your weaknesses.  In your weakness lies your most exposed, raw feelings.  It's where you are most vulnerable.  It's where you are, literally, brought to your knees.  It's where you are the most yourself and the least yourself at the same time.  It's where your soul can breathe without concern for your well-being.  Sound deep?  It is.

In those moments that you feel weak, your heart is finding its strength every second if you give it a chance.  When you're healthy and you feel weakness, you reach out more for help.  You talk.  More than that, though, you find solutions.  You see, in your weakness, you become proactive.  You become stronger.

Don't be afraid to be vulnerable.  Embrace those moments and help those weaknesses to become strengths.

Finding Your Strength

It's very easy to look down on someone because they're weak.  The truth is, though, that we're all weak sometimes.  We are just different kinds of weak.  I've said before, and I'll say again, that we are made to be part of something bigger.  We are made to fill in others' weaknesses with our strengths and vice versa.  It's easy to look at someone and say that they're weak but the truth is that they are just a different kind of weak than you are....and they could do the same thing to you later on.

Exercise encouragement as often as you can.  Tell the people around you what they're doing RIGHT instead of what they're doing wrong.  Show them kindness and compassion.  More than that, show them passion for helping THEM doing something great.  You will find your strength in helping others find theirs.

Being Proactive

Deciding to be proactive is the best thing I ever did for myself.  I got stagnant in my life and started feeling like I was uncertain about what I wanted my life to look like.  When someone asked me where I wanted to be in five years or ten years or twenty years, I couldn't answer.  I wasn't sure what I wanted.  At first, it made me feel like a failure.  I mean, I'm an adult, I should know what I want to do, right?  After a day or so of feeling kind of blue, I decided to do something about it.  I decided to be proactive.

I spent a lot of time soul searching and figuring out where I wanted to be.  Then, I started moving toward those goals.  It may be a slow and steady process but I'm moving forward and I'm happier than I've ever been because of it.  I truly feel that if more people became proactive in their lives and decided to do something instead of sitting around feeling sorry for themselves, they'd be happier with their lives.

So if you're feeling stagnant, stop and really take a look at your life.  Look at every single aspect of your life.  What do you want your imprint to be on the world?  What impression do you want left in your community?  What legacy do you want left for your family?  What are you truly passionate about?  What do you love?  

Here's what I'm begging you not to do.... Don't use your stagnant point in life to spread negativity.  It's very hard to see other people's success and get frustrated with your own situation.  Don't put them down in order to make yourself feel better.  Don't poo on their success to promote your own.  We can all have our place in this world and encourages our friends and family in the process.  We can all leave our mark on this world without feeling the need to condemn anyone that disagrees with us.

I encourage you to move forward in a positive way.  Find your passion and run with it.

Being Part of Your Community

Negativity is the norm in our world today and it makes me incredibly sad for a multitude of reasons.  The reason I'd like to focus on today, though, is our future generation.  Our children are a product of many things from genetics to environment and everything in between.  Some of these things we cannot accurately control.  We only have so much say over genetics.  We have no say over whether they are male or female.  We have no say whether they are more even tempered or more quick tempered.  Things we can't control are plentiful.

What we can have more control of is environment.  (Though, even this is not completely controllable.) Most of us concentrate on controlling the environment in our home.  This is, indeed, a great place to concentrate.  Kids thrive knowing that they have a safe place to go when nothing else feels right.  They need to know that there are people they can trust that will move mountains to make sure that they know that they are loved. 

What we seem to have lost focus on is our community.  We seem to forget that we are part of something bigger.  My favorite quote is "The only time that you should worry about what's on someone else's plate is to make sure they have enough."  We are taught and continue to teach to mind your own business and that's a great lesson for some things but we forget to teach the other half....we forget to teach that it's okay to worry about someone else when we want to help them.  We are supposed to give each other a hand up. (and please don't mistake this as me saying that we should be supporting freeloaders...I don't.)  We should be teaching our neighbors to fish, so to speak.

But why?  Why do we need to be part of our community?  Well I have a few big reasons....

1.  We complain about the state of our community.  We complain about violence and negativity but we do nothing to help it.   Our kids observe this and conclude that they don't need to worry about it either; that they should just complain instead.  This filters into the rest of their life.... why should I care about my school?  Why should I care about my family?  It just continues...

2.  It takes a village.  You may have an enormous support system but being part of your neighborhood means being part of something amazing and wonderful.  There's something to be said for knowing your neighbors.  There's something to be said for being part of the school, even if you aren't actually active in a PTA.  There's something to be said for being part of your community, as a whole.  Being friendly and learning about the people around you encourages your kids to do the same.  It encourages your kids to want to learn about people that are different and to socialize with them, as well.  It gets them out of the bubble of their school's influence and let's them experience the world at an early age, when you can still talk to them about what they experience.

3.  It's an opportunity to teach compassion.  It's an opportunity to teach your kids that there is always someone less fortunate than you are.  There is always someone who is struggling.  Even if you can't help them financially, you can help them by letting them know you're there.  You can help by helping them find the resources they need.  Teaching your children to be kind is a lesson that will stick for years to come.

4.  You teach your children how to live in the real world.  In our homes, we know the moods of those around us and we tend to unintentionally cater to those moods.  When you're out in the real world, you don't know who you're dealing with.  Being part of your neighborhood allows your children to see you deal with a grumpy salesperson and teach them that you never know what kind of day someone is having so spread kindness.  They'll get to see you say "hi" to people you don't know, hold doors, and tell your cashier to "have a great day."  They'll get to observe real-life interactions that will benefit them for years to come.  It teaches your child that, regardless of what TV shows would have you believe, kindness IS important and violence is NOT the answer.

5.  You show your kids that other kids need love too.  I posted this last week on acceptance.  There are some children that are just not fortunate to have a great home life.  It can manifest in a variety of ways but it often bubbles up as anger and violence over things they can't control.  We, as a community, can encourage them and let them know they're loved and have a place to talk or just vent if they need to.  When your children see you reach out and be there for another child, they see what true compassion, kindness and care is.  Caring for someone else emotionally is a huge thing and our children need to learn more of this and less of the anger and violence the media loves to show us.  It benefits the angry child, as well, and lets them know that there is a safe place to fall and that we will be there for them if they need it.

We can't change things overnight but we can work every day to make progress in our neighborhoods and in our own homes.

"A Girl Like Her: The Aftermath"

If you chose to watch the documentary from my last post, "A Girl Like Her", I hope you explored the website and saw the movies in the "aftermath" section.  If you did, you saw both sides of the story.  You got a chance to see what both the (former) bully and the victim felt six months later.  You got to see how they've changed and how their lives have changed.

I have a thought.....

What if we made it a priority, not just as parents, but as a community to make sure that every single child felt worthy?  What if we made it a priority to make sure that every single child felt loved?  What if we made it a priority to make sure that every single child felt like they had someone to truly talk to, no judgments?  What if we made it a priority to encourage positivity in our children and in our community and to make everyone feel welcome?  What if we made sure that everyone in our community felt like they were part of something bigger?

What if....?

I wonder if that would make a difference in the amount of bullying that takes place.  In the aftermath, the (former) bully reflects something that I find to be incredibly important and brave on her part: she says that "it gave her attention" and that "even if it wasn't positive, it was attention."  I feel like this speaks volumes in so many cases.  Think, if you will, about a toddler and what they will do for attention; they don't care if it's negative or not, they just want the attention.  Even we, as adults, do things to get attention and, often, don't care if it's negative or positive attention.  What if these bullies felt like they were wonderful just as they were?  What if these bullies felt like they were wonderful WITHOUT this attention?  What if we taught them to focus on what they are good at and praised them for their own strengths, whatever those may be?

I wonder if it would make a difference in the victims.  I wonder if this outreach would not just help bullies stop but would help the victims to feel stronger.  I wonder if it would help them feel more represented.  I wonder if it would help them feel more real.  I wonder if it would help them feel more empowered...I guess that's what I'd love to see more.  I want them to feel more empowered.  I want them to feel like they are amazing and perfect just the way they are and that they have strengths that are beyond their understand.  What if we praised them for their strengths, whatever those may be?  Would we help them to step out from behind those bullies and be more strong, empowered and safe?
Could we make them feel safer and more supported?

What if we made it a priority to make these kids know how wonderful we are?  What if, if a child's needs weren't being met in their home, we made it a priority to take that extra time?  Cook them a meal and just let them talk.  Be there for your children's friends.  Be there for those around you, even if it means taking a little time away from what you're doing.  What if we could let them know they're all loved and they're all unique and they're all wonderful?

"A Girl Like Her"

I just finished watching a documentary on Netflix called "A Girl Like Her."  This girl is a documentary about a young lady who is being bullied so severely in high school that she attempts to take her life.  As it happens, the bullying is secretly being documented by the young lady's best friend and by a small pin cam that she wears for at least six months.  In the end, the bully is shown the footage and has an epiphany about her behavior.  If I could show this documentary to everyone in the United States, I surely would.  Thank you to the filmmakers for this eye-opening look at what happens in this school.

There is a vast difference between just silly teasing and good-hearted fun and bullying.  So first off, let's not confuse the two.  The first (silly teasing and good-hearted fun) is done with a loving heart.  It's the kind of "teasing" that takes place in families and good friends.  It's done with a soft heart, both knowing that you're just joking.  It's funny to BOTH of you because it's done out of love and peace.

Then there is bullying.....

Bullying is ANY behavior in which you are treating someone negatively to make yourself feel better. It might be as "small" as deeming someone the smelly kid or the unpopular girl and openly teasing them about it.  It might be as "small" as bumping someone intentionally going down the hallway to show your superiority and make the other person feel small.  It might be as "small" as intentionally making someone feel like an outsider just because you can.  It might be as "small" as tagging someone in nasty photos on Facebook just to make them feel bad.  Bullying comes in many, many forms and even the small things hurt more than you can imagine.

For many, though, it's bigger than these "small" things.  For many, it's real every single day and it's relentless.  For many, it isn't "just" bumping in the hallway; it's in school, in texts, on social media, and everywhere else.  It's hateful words.  It's commands for suicide.  It's about a bully making them feel worthless every single moment of every single day.  It's not "just" one experience; it's experiences every single moment of every single day and it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel for them.

I want to direct something to them right now because I lived through bullying when I was younger (and bullying didn't extend to texts and social media).  You are stronger than you know.  You are smarter than you know.  You are more beautiful than you know.  I know it feels dark and it feels hard but there is a way to thrive.  You can do more than just survive.  You are wonderful and if you ever need a reminder of that, you let me know.

To the administrators in these schools, stand up.  Stand up for these kids.  You see it.  You know it's happening.  I don't care what the policies say....stand up.  Be that person.

If you're someone who's watching the bullying, stand up.  Tell someone.  You're bigger than you think you are.  You're stronger than you know and bullies will seldom continue behavior when there is a group of people standing up for their victim.  If they can't single someone out, they can't bully them.  Be there.  Be the person who stands up and stands firm.  Love your friends.  Just love them.

And if you're a bully, I hope you watch this film and it changes you.  I hope that, like the bully in this film, you have an epiphany.  I hope it reaches to your soul.

Thank you, again, to the filmmakers.  You have created a masterpiece that will reach to the core of the watchers and change lives.

For the love of God, Please Stop!

Fridays are normally fun days but today is my "for the love of God, please stop" day.  For the love of God and all things holy, PLEASE stop telling the people who are voting for the other candidate that they are trash.  This is happening on BOTH sides of the political parties right now.  Democrats are guilty.  Republicans are guilty.  All of the sudden, people feel like they have the right to judge someone else's identity based on who they're voting for.  It's like we don't have a free party system and we don't have the right to be different people.

I don't know about you but I don't want a cookie cutter nation!

If you are voting for Trump, fine.  If you're voting for Hillary, fine.  You are not condoning someone's bad behavior for choosing a particular candidate.  You are simply voting for who you think will best represent our country, as a whole.  Please respect other people's opinions and their right to do the same.

In closing, I'll just say this: if you think that ANY of our past presidents were without fault, you are crazy.  I'm sorry but you are.  Everyone one of them has some sort of scandalous behavior, just some bigger than others.  They are HUMAN and being human means they make mistakes.  If you've never done anything wrong, feel free to judge.  Yeah...that's what I thought.

So seriously, please stop attacking each other and focus on how we can work together to build back up the foundation of our country that is crumbling with all of this bickering.  

Assault on Victims

Okay just a quick nugget of opinion here:  Please, please, please don't just jump on a bandwagon and assume an assault victim isn't an assault victim because they waited too long to say something.  There are women out there that accuse of assault as revenge; this is true.  More often than not, though, there are victims that are terrified of someone's power.  They are terrified of what will be done to them by someone who has a lot of money, power, or just influence in general.  They are terrified that they will be treated like filth.  They are going through a range of emotions that most people will never understand.  So, please, don't assume that someone is not a victim based on time.  You never know what they've been through.

Being Offended

It seems like everything today sparks someone to say, "I'm offended that he/she said that."  I think "offended" might be overused.  In my mind, people are "offended" far too much.  Here are my feelings....

Everyone will not always agree with you.  Disagreeing does not mean that someone is insulting you.  Having a different opinion does not mean that someone is insulting you.  Someone listing facts to debate your argument is not insulting you.  Are you starting to see the trend?

Here's the deal: you can't control what people say to you but you can definitely control how you react to it.  Getting offended is a choice.  You can choose to just accept that someone has a different opinion.  You can accept that they have a different lifestyle.  You can accept that they have a different way of thinking.  Does it mean that they're right and you're wrong?  No.  You're not making a choice to give in; you're making a choice not to let what they think affect who you are.  You're making a choice to have control of your emotions instead of letting someone else do so.

Talk to Your Opponent

I'm going to say something that might not be very popular.  I want you to take some time over the next couple of weeks to talk to someone that thinks very differently from you.  Maybe they're different politically.  Maybe it's spiritually.  Maybe it's a different parenting style.  Whatever the case may be, talk to someone who thinks very differently.  Listen, truly listen.  Don't listen to argue.  Listen to truly hear what their passion is on the topic

Why?

Because you don't know what truly know how to debate an issue without knowing what is on the other side.  Because you may change your perspective, whether that means you strengthen your argument for the same side or you change it for the other side.  Because you may find that just knowing what your differences are will make you realize that you're not that different at all. Because the more you hear about different stories and different perspectives, the more you may realize that life is about learning and loving.

Look, it might not change a thing about the way you view things.  Just give it a try.

Short and Sweet on Spreading Kindness

Today, I want to challenge you to spread a little more kindness.  Instead of focusing on what others are doing wrong, focusing on the things around you that are right.  Perhaps they're big enough for the whole world to see.  Perhaps they are small enough that only you can focus on them.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that you take the time to fix your eyes on something great and work toward it.  When you focus on the positive, positive things will happen in your life.

Distractions in this election

Issues I care about in this election: 1-Our safety as a nation and all that comes with that 2- ILLEGAL immigration 3-Our economy and improving it 4-Encouraging big companies to come back here and improve our job situation 5-Our military, both active and veterans and their care 6- The Constitution and actually abiding by it 7-Our educational system 8-Energy independence from other nations 9-Welfare reform that truly helps those that need it and pinches off those that abuse the system 10-Obamacare and the solutions to this...... Things I don't give a tiny rat's ass about 1-Things that EITHER candidate said over a decade ago. 2-The specifics of someone's tax records on either side 3- The teensy weensy specifics of how corrupt someone is because I've heard enough about BOTH sides and how corrupt they are. ** Look, both parties are absolutely disgusting at this point, as a whole. They both are. There is so much mud slinging going on that no one is even close to considering the REAL issues here. I want to know what the hell the future of our country looks like. Seriously, enough with the dumbass distractions from both sides. Can we please, please, please start talking about how to improve our situation? Even a good therapist will tell you that you can't improve your future if you won't let go of the past. Stop digging up ridiculousness on each other and tell me what YOU can do for this nation.

Phew.  Okay, rant over.

What this all comes down to, for me, is this.  I don't want to focus on every little issue from the past.  I know all about the dirty laundry on both sides.  What I want to know is not what they did last year, ten years ago or when they were in college.  What I want to know is what they're going to do to fix the state of our nation. 
How are you going to work with other nations to combat the radicals that are trying to attack essentially everyone? 
What are you going to do to combat it within our country?
What are we going to do to combat illegal immigration without destroying legal immigration and the mixing pot that comes with it?
What incentives will bring our big companies back here so we can manufacture here again and create jobs?
What are you going to do to take care of our active military and their families?
What steps are you going to take to revamp our country's veteran care?
Are you actually going to stand by the Constitution and what it entails?
What are you going to do to fix our broken education system?  Will you put education back into the hands of the teachers instead of some standardized bullshit system?
What are you going to do to encourage energy independence for us so we can stop relying on foreign nations that use it as a bargaining tool?
What are you going to do to reform welfare?  There are those that truly need help that can't get it.  Then there are those that abuse the system for generations.  How will you work toward fixing that?
What about Obamacare?  Yes some people got insurance  that couldn't have gotten it before but millions lost it and are now being penalized for not being able to afford it.  What are you going to do to find a happy medium?

Stop focusing on these bullcrap mud slinging issues and tell me what YOU are going to do to fix the state of our country for the positive.  Don't give me vague promises.  Give me specifics.  Let's move our country in a more positive direction and stop all of this ridiculous childish bologna!

Be the Change You Want to See: Encourage the Charity Workers

Yesterday, I heard someone talking about their family member's charity work.  It wasn't in a proud, bragging manner.  It wasn't in an informational manner.  It was in an ugly, demoralizing manner.  Instead of "my cousin worked on this great project where they did (insert activity here)", it was "Yeah my cousin did (project name) but ALL he did was (insert activity).  He has way more money than I do.  He could have done way more."

Not....cool.

Okay, here's the thing.  As someone who does not have a six figure income, I understand the inclination to be critical of rich people.  The funny thing is that there's not necessarily a reason to be.  Yes there are some wealthy people that are assholes...but there are also not so wealthy people that are assholes too.  Did some people inherit their fortune and "don't deserve it?" Yes.  Would I turn down my family's wealth just so I don't have people judge me for my wealth? No, probably not. For all the judgmental ugliness that a whole lot of average people put on the wealthy, they wouldn't turn down the opportunity to have money.

Oh, I know I know .... "If I was wealthy, I'd help more people."

Maybe that's true.  Maybe it's not.  The point is that you could help.  You could donate money every single day and people would still criticize you.  They'd still look at you and say, "Well you could have done more."  They'd still continue to say it until you gave away everything and became just as "poor" as they are.  Sad but true.

Instead of giving in to the inclination to criticize when a wealthy person helps (or any person, for that matter), take a moment to just focus on what they DID do. Maybe it's not their personal best; you don't need to focus on that.  Maybe they could have afforded more; you don't need to focus on that.  If we want this world to become better and kinder, we need to be the change we want to see.  We need to stop focusing on every little thing that people do wrong (and no, I'm not saying we should overlook criminal behavior, I'm talking about general wrong-doing) and focus on what they're doing right.  We need to give props to ANYONE that's helping and encourage (not criticize) them to help in other ways too.

Before you judge someone else's charity work, look at your own.  Chances are, if you are criticizing someone that much, you aren't understanding what charity is all about.

Heatherism for the Day

Short thought for the day:  If your life is so unhappy that you need to start arguments to try to spread your misery, then you should probably stay off social media.  It never works out well.

Intelligent Debate

I am constantly amused by the level of hatred someone expresses when called out on their bull crap.  I got into a debate, recently, with someone over a hateful comment they made about children.  Their response was not to say it was inappropriate.  Instead, it was to say that it was justified because..... Yeah, there's no response that makes calling children "garbage" okay.  None.  When they simply couldn't argue the debate anymore, they resorted to name-calling.  This seems to be the new norm.

If you are debating a topic with someone and run out of information to back up your facts, you've LOST the debate.  If you cannot properly explain your facts, you've LOST the debate. If you have to name-call to respond, you've LOST the debate.  It's not about who can yell more loudly.  It's not about who can laugh in the other's face or create laughing emoticons online, in the case of a keyboard warrior.  Debating is about who can back up their argument to the point that it is so thoroughly discussed and fact-checked that it's near impossible to prove it wrong.

Once again, this leads me back to one of my favorite phrases:  educate yourself.  Educate yourself on your passions, whatever they are.  Don't just spew one hit wonder headlines; speak truth into everything you debate.  Make your argument so fact-filled that it's flawless (or as close to flawless as it can be.)  Don't name call because it shows how tiny your mind truly is.

The generation of twenty somethings coming up needs to heed this call.  We truly need more intelligent conversation and less "I know you are but what am I?"

Dear Mother in Laws

Dear Mother In Laws,

I'm not married and I'm okay with that but I've been married and I've dealt with you.  My friends, bosses, and much of my family have in laws.  Some of them love their mother in laws and others want to strangle them.  I'm sure you feel the same way about your son's wives.

Look, I appreciate who you are and what you've done.  You've raised a productive (well, hopefully productive) young man. You've changed his diapers.  You've put bandaids on his boo-boo's.  You've stopped him from trying to jump off the roof into a tree, just for fun. Moms have a special relationship with their sons.  I get it.  No one will ever live up to the standards you set for your son's wife.  I have really mixed feelings about facing this challenge in the future.  I may not like her.  I may have to accept someone that I'm just not in agreement with.

What I can't, in good conscience, support is the all-out assault you launch on your daughter in laws.  Think of when you got married.  You and your husband had a very clear idea of what you wanted from your life together.  Then you had children.  Some of those ideas evolved.  Some of those ideas became the desire to have traditions of your own.  It's a natural progression.  What isn't natural is the idea that you get to control your children's lives long after they're out of your house.  You will always be their mother but your job is not to control them forever; your job is to raise them and then be their cheering squad (or advice columnist) as needed.

Things that are included in this umbrella of ugliness include some of the following.  1-Passive-aggressively criticizing your daughter in law's parenting (which likely includes your son's parenting as well).  In short, you've raised your kids and you don't get to tell your child how to raise his, even if it makes you squirm.  2-Guilting your son into doing what you want to do.  You are creating distress in his marriage in doing so.  You are not helping him; you are hurting him.  3-Going overboard in spoiling your grand children.  It is always nice to spoil them and that is your privilege but going overboard is going to create stress in his house.  You aren't helping him; you're hurting him.  These are not even a long list.  It can go on.

In short, you aren't thinking clearly when you try to treat your grown son like your "little boy."  You are creating stress and turmoil in his household and ultimately hurting him.  Set your sights on encouraging him and helping him create his own traditions while still finding ways to be part of the family as a whole.

Sincerely,
An Observant Party

Girl Power vs Mean Girls

I'm wondering at what point "Girl Power" and Rosie the Riveter became "It's good to be a mean girl." When female empowerment movements started off, we were looking for equal rights.  We wanted to be able to vote.  We wanted to get the same pay.  We wanted to be treated the same way as our opposite-gendered counterparts.  Some movements are still after this and that's awesome.  Pay SHOULD be based on experience, skill level and (possibly) education.  We should be allowed to vote as well.  I absolutely agree.

There are a whole lot of women, though, that are more focused on being mean girls.  It's become a movement of "Now we have the power and we can do whatever we want."  It's become a movement of "I can treat people however I want."  In fact, it seems like the more bitchy, bad attitude a woman develops, the more popular she is.  When did it become a good thing to be a mean girl?

You don't have to be cruel to be empowered.  You don't have to be mean to be a strong, confident woman (or young woman, as it may be).  You can be both gentle and confident.  You can be both strong and kind.  You can be both sensitive and bold.  You can be both!  You don't have to pick one. You don't have to just be one thing.

I hope to see these movements migrate toward a positive message of kindness and love.  I don't think that we need to teach our girls to be cruel to be powerful.

Standardized Testing

I spoke to some teachers recently about standardized tests and had an honest conversation.  I said that I don't understand why my children can perform FAR above the school's level, the district's level, the state's level and the nation's level and still not be considered in the highest bracket on some of the test's levels.  How do they determine these levels?  If they are testing above literally 94% of the nation in these tests, then why are they not considered "above the standard?"  What is "the standard" and how is it determined?  I received the two most honest pieces of ear candy I could have heard.

The first one is that standardized tests are mostly created by people who know nothing about the learning process.  It's a bunch of suits sitting in a room deciding that kids should be at this standard.  Their "standard" is a fantasy standard created by a bunch of uninformed people making a choice to set unrealistic goals. Teachers should be more involved in this process.  Real teachers.  In fact, teachers should be more involved in the entire educational process instead of this common core bullshit that doesn't benefit the overall educational system at all.  Yes, the educational system could use some modifications but more government involvement isn't what's needed.

The second part is that standardized tests are made to make kids fail.  Well, that's the theory anyway.  These tests are made to make kids fail so that they can keep saying that the kids aren't performing well and then they can control things even more.  The reality is that if the kids don't meet their unrealistic standards, they can keep saying that we, as parents or the educators are at fault....and not the system being what needs changed.

I don't put a lot of stock in standardized tests, even though my children (overall) perform well in them.  I put more stock in what the educators that work with them say, how they perform in every day life and the fact that they love to learn.  I am a firm believer that a love of learning will benefit a child far more than a thousand mathematical formulas.  A love of learning can move mountains.

Short and Sweet: Persistence

We live in a society of disposable everything.  Disposable cups, silverware and plates.  Disposable diapers.  Disposable relationships.  Disposable dreams.  Nothing is made to stick around and it's discouraging at times.  Still, just because the world lives with that mindset doesn't mean you have to.  Just because your dreams don't fit into the box that the world puts out for you doesn't mean you have to give them up.  People will give you grief when your dreams seem uncomfortable to them:  too hard, too time consuming, not fun enough.  Keep persisting in achieving what YOU want.  You were made for greatness!