Loving Unconditionally

I was told, recently, that being a friend means that you are supposed to support someone regardless of what they do.  The speaker defined this as "unconditional love."  I blatantly disagree.  In fact, this opinion of "unconditional love" is what makes me cringe.  Here's the skinny on this topic....

Unconditional love is not doing whatever someone wants.  Unconditional love is not always agreeing with them even when it's wrong.  Unconditional love is not supporting someone's decisions regardless of what they do.  Let me repeat that:  unconditional love is not supporting someone's decisions regardless of what they do.  Unconditional love means loving someone right where they're at.  It means loving them in spite of their weaknesses.  In fact, unconditional love is loving someone so much that you're willing to fight for them and with them (and this is NOT referring to physical fighting.)

You are NOT required to support someone's bad decisions if you unconditionally love them.  In fact, it is your duty to lovingly let them know that what they're doing might be a poor decision.  If they change their mind, great.  If they don't, its your job to be there for them to pick them up when the bad decision doesn't work out.  Loving someone means that they are allowed to make mistakes and you'll love them regardless BUT you also love them enough to say, "Hey, I don't want to see you get hurt.  You might want to think about it...."  You are allowed to tell them that they're making a poor choice.

Loving someone means that you're bold enough to be the voice of reason when it's needed.  It means that you're ready to stand up to them and let them know that you love them BUT they are about to make a really poor decision.  It means that you'll be there to help them pick up the pieces after.  It means that you stand by them when they're fighting to make themselves better.  It means that you're there to dry their tears and make them laugh when they need it most.  It means that you are ready, at a moment's notice, to stop what you're doing and run to their side if they're hurt.  Loving someone is about walking with someone daily in this crazy life and encouraging them to be the best person they can be while you do the same.

You Don't Know What Love Is

I hear people say all of the time (and am guilty myself of saying ) "You don't know what love is."  We say it to teenagers constantly.  They say, "I love you" to their boyfriends/girlfriends and we say, "You have NO idea what love even is." While I was discussing this the other day, though, I came to a different conclusion and I'd like to share a different perspective.

First of all, let me share that the conversation didn't take place with a bleeding heart teenage girl that claims to be desperately in love with her twenty five year old boyfriend.  It was a conversation with an autistic child.  The child was discussing the fact that they are always told that they don't understand feelings because they have a hard time reading social cues.  He was telling me that he DOES understand feelings; he's still a person, but everyone assumes that he has no idea what emotion people are struggling with.  He said that because he can't put those feelings into words, sometimes, schoolmates assume that he doesn't feel anything or, at the very least, doesn't feel things the way that they feel them.  It was a heartwrenching but very, very real conversation.  It affected me in so many ways but one of them was this very post.

I watch the teenage girls around me talk about how they are in love.  I'm guilty of saying that they have no clue because they don't love how I love (or how adults, in general love) but that's not true.  Teenagers DO know what love is. Love doesn't have some defined box that it fits into.  Just because it's not the exact same experience that I feel or that my friends feel or that my grandfather and grandmother feel, it doesn't mean they don't know what love is.  What I've started to say, instead, is this: "You have no idea how much your love grows as you get older."  More often, though, I just say, "I'm so glad that you've found happiness."  The reality is that their relationship may not last because their maturity level isn't there yet.  Then again, that's true with some adults too.  To say that they don't understand love or that they don't know what love is, though, just isn't accurate.  It's just a different love.

Love can be between a man and a woman or people of the same sex.

Love can be between a biological parent and their child, an adopted parent and their child, a foster parent and their child.

Love can be between a married couple or an unmarried couple.

Love can be a biological grandparent or it can be a surrogate grandparent.

Love can be so many amazing things.  It doesn't have to look the same in every person.  In fact, it is SUPPOSED to look different because we're different people.  Will the way we express and, even, feel love change as we get older?  Of course.  Everyone evolves over time.  However, it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist just because it's different than what we experience.

I Don't Understand Hate

A post was made yesterday that talked about the hatred and entitlement an individual felt based on her color.  As I always do, I went and researched on my own.  I didn't want to believe that she felt this hatred for someone simply based on skin pigmentation.  I didn't want to believe that those were her words.  I wanted to believe that it was taken out of context.  I wanted to believe that it just wasn't true.  I looked up her page, directly, and was saddened immediately.  It is true.  This hatred exists.  This pure, unadulterated hatred for someone based on skin pigment.

I.....don't.......understand.

It has never been about black or white for me.  I have never been handed anything easily.  My parents were teenage parents and had to work day and night (literally) to make a life for our family.  As an adult, I've never been handed a single thing.  I've had to work for every step that I've taken.  I've had to fight tooth and nail just to get by.  I don't work a job where I make some crazy amount of money.  I work constantly to make a life for my kids.  But none of this is the point of this post.  This comes across as angry and it's definitely not angry.  It's pure inability to understand why anyone would think that skin color means I'm given incredible privilege.

I can't grasp the concept of hatred, period.

I believe you have two choices in life.  You can let all of the strife and heartache you endure to harden your heart.  You can develop disdain for everything and everyone.  You can focus all of your attention on how unfair it is.  OR You can focus on what you do have.  You can choose to let the strife and heartache give you more compassion for others.  You can choose to let your hurts give you the knowledge to help someone else through their own hurts.  You see, hatred is a choice.  

I choose to love you anyway.

I'm sure my love for God is an extremely large part of why I feel this way.  If I'm being honest, it's not that I always understand it, but I know it's there.  I know that, deep down, the feelings of anger are usually fear.  The feelings of frustration usually stem from sadness and fear.  I can dislike people.  In fact, I can dislike them strongly but I don't hate.  Hate means that I can find nothing good inside of them and I believe that somewhere, deep inside of everyone, there is something wonderful.  I believe that people that do even the most heinous acts have some good somewhere deep down inside.  Does it mean they shouldn't be punished?  Of course not, their choices are still reprehensible.   Does it mean that they should be hated?  I don't believe so.  They can be loved while their actions are hated.  They can be prayed for even while we pray for the victims of their crimes.

You can hate me, but I'll love you and pray for you.

So for those that hate based on skin color (regardless of which side you're on), I will pray for you.  I don't mean that in some belittling way, as if I'm better than you.  I'm not.  I'll pray for your heart to be given peace and love.  I'll pray for you to be able to see your fellow man as an ally and not an enemy.  I'll pray that our differences will, indeed, create something wonderful that helps us to come together for a common good.  I'll pray that your heart can see you the way that I do....a beautiful soul.  I'll love you exactly as you are.  I'll love you even if you hate me; not because I'm entitled or better or I have a better life, but because I see your soul and it is beautiful, no matter how hurt it is.  I don't see your skin color.  I don't see your eye color or your hair color.  I don't see whether or not you have tattoos or piercings.  I don't see whether you have perfect teeth or teeth muddled from years of drug use.  I see YOU.  And YOU are beautiful.

Change Your Perspective

So "Chewbacca Mom" posted a video of her own personal arrangement of Michael Jackson's "Heal the World."  Honestly, I went into it skeptical.  I don't follow her and got ill of all the media hype surrounding her quite quickly that led to her charging for autographs.  That said, I viewed it and it was a beautiful and humbling reminder of exactly what our world needs.  You see, she has it right: we need to spread joy, not hate.

Here is a link to view her performance....
Chewbacca Mom sings "Heal the World"

In a world where we are so wrapped up in terrifying news on a daily basis, this really is what our world needs.  No, I'm not naive enough to believe that love and joy is the key to stopping terrorism.  I'm not naive enough to believe that love is all that's needed to fix everything...but it's a start.

My mantra lately has been "Be the Change You Want to See." (it's a portion of a quote often attributed to Mahatma Gandhi).  Joy won't fix everything but it won't hurt.  Joy won't heal everyone but if it heals just one person, isn't it worth it?  Joy won't stop hate but if it deters just one person from being hateful, isn't it worth it?  Paying it forward may not change the world but it might change the course of one person's day.  What do we achieve by spreading hate?

If you don't know where to start, start small.  Smile at strangers.  Compliment someone with a true compliment.  Tell your family you love them and how special they are to you.  Give a burger to a homeless person.  As you start to see that one tiny thing can change the course of a person's day, you'll want to do even more.  Your deeds will get bigger and bigger and soon, you'll be spreading the positivity to others too.

Change your perspective, change your life

Open Letter to Working Moms / Open Letter to Stay at Home Moms

Dear Working Mom,

You're doing great! You probably wish you didn't have to work or, at least, not so much.  You probably wish that you could be at all of those functions at your kids' school or that you didn't miss a first word or step.  In this, I mourn with you.  I mourn the times that I miss with my kids just as much as you mourn your time lost.  Every time you start to feel overwhelmed with sadness over not being there, remember that you're doing this for a cause; you're doing this to give your kids a real life. You're fighting a great battle, Mama!

Cherish every single moment you have with them.  Even if you're tired, you're still fighting a great battle.  You may not be able to provide quantity, but you're providing them quality time.  You may never have time for yourself but you make time for them. You may feel like you're not doing enough but, Mama, you are MORE than enough.  Your presence with them is of unmatchable importance and you're making it count!  You're doing a great job!

Keep your chin up, Mama, because the days that you think you're only doing so-so, your kids think you're the greatest mom in the world.  On the days when you think you slacked because you bought cookies instead of making them, your kids are proud to bring in something to donate to their classroom party.  On the days when you're feeling defeated and you just throw a frozen pizza in the oven, your kids are excited that they get pizza for dinner.  You are stronger and smarter and more wonderful than you can imagine.  You are a great mom.  You're doing great things!

Sincerely,
Me


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Dear Stay at Home Mom,

You're doing great!  You probably wish you could have a break...even if it's just for a couple of hours.  You're wishing that you could take a bath or go to the bathroom in peace just one time.  In this, I feel your pain.  I feel for you every single time that you have a moment of complete frazzled craziness and hit your breaking point.  Every time you start to feel overwhelmed with stress, remember that you're doing this for a cause; you're doing this to give your kids a real life.  You're fighting a great battle, Mama!

Cherish every moment you have with them.  I know you're tired, Mama.  I know you never get a break.  I know you're juggling a million jobs and you almost never get the recognition that you truly deserve.  I know that you're kicking butt and taking names and it feels like there's no reward for it besides the smiles of your kids....and more work.  You may feel like you're not doing enough but Mama, you are MORE than enough.  Your presence with them is of unmatchable importance and you're making it count!  You're doing a great job!

Keep your chin up Mama, because the days that you think you're only doing so-so, your kids think you're the greatest mom in the world.  On the days when you're sitting in a house full of unvacuumed carpet, dirty dishes, and piles of laundry and you feel like you've failed, you're looking at kids that have had true time filled with real life learning and bonding that they'd never get anywhere else.  On the days when you're feeling exhausted and guilty for putting them in front of a movie just to get something done, they're excited that they get to watch a movie for no reason at all.  You are stronger and smarter and more wonderful than you can imagine.  You are a great mom.  You're doing great things!

Sincerely,
Me

I think that both of these types of mamas need to hear this every now and then :)

Three Parts that Make Your Relationship Run More Smoothly

There are three components that I believe contribute largely to successful relationships (though they are clearly only part of a larger working machine) that I think are too often overlooked.  Some of the idea of my component list comes from observation, some from personal experience and some from just pondering on life.  Without further ado, components that contribute largely to successful relationships:

The ability to say "Thank you" and "I'm Sorry".  These seem like really simple phrases but they are, often, pushed aside when you're truly comfortable with someone.  The words "thank you" convey appreciation and, in my opinion, love.  It shows that you are truly realizing that someone's effort went into doing something for you (big or small) and you are thankful.  This can make a world of difference.  Remember that there are a lot of times that your family/friend/lover has had a day outside of your presence and they might just need a soft place to fall.  "Thank you" can change a stressful day to a peaceful heart that feels loved.  Some days it can be the turning point.
The words "I'm sorry" are important to me personally.  I believe that saying "I'm sorry" indicates that you plan to change your behavior.  This is important for a couple of reasons.  First of all, the sheer sentiment of saying that you're sorry means that you're admitting that you did wrong.  It might have just led to hurt feelings but it might have also led to something bigger and more traumatic.  Secondly, the words indicate that not only do you understand that you did something wrong but that you intend to do your best to not do it again.  This builds trust (when you truly back up your words with your actions).  Finally, it can indicate that you plan to try to fix the wrong done by the behavior.  Even if you can't succeed at reversing what was done, you can always do something wonderful and amazing just by showing that you want to try.

Encourage them to be who they are and be their biggest fan.  Again, it sounds simple enough.  When you fall for someone, all you can do is brag on them.  Unfortunately, it seems that this fades over time for a lot of people.  Appreciating someone on a daily basis makes a big difference.  Focusing on their good qualities and encouraging them to grow in those areas is a true sign of love.  Choosing not to criticize or critique but instead to encourage and build up is a truly wonderful way to show someone true love.  While it is important that you share some interests, your family/friends/lover is going to have things that they love that make them unique.  Chances are, they are truly passionate about something and showing them that you are their biggest fan when it comes to that passion will make them feel an overwhelming love.  The most successful couples I've observed have enjoyed spending time together but have given each other not only the space but the encouragement to do something wonderful on their own as well.  Be their confidence when they're feeling discouraged.  Be their patience when they're frustrated at not being able to advance. Show them that they have a fan no matter what.

Learn how they feel loved and focus on trying to exercise that method.  There is a wonderful series of books about "The Five Love Languages" that I fully recommend to everyone I know.  Finding out how people feel loved can make a huge difference.  If your lover feels loved when you touch them and you are showing your love by buying them things, it's not going to feel like love to them.  I encourage everyone to read these books and truly find out what those you love have as a love language.  I have found that it changes your relationships all around.  It can make the difference between the love that they feel from someone else and a love that truly envelopes them in whatever kind of affection they need. 


Again, these are not the only cogs in a relationship machine but they can truly make an astounding difference in your relationships with your loved ones.  Try practicing them for awhile and see what a difference it makes.