Love Alone Doesn't Resolve It

I read a post this morning about a thief that was stealing multiple times from close friends.  As the stories of stolen items began building, there were people saying that maybe public posts on this weren't the solution.  Their theory was that public scrutiny is not what the thief needed.  Instead, the thief needed support and love.  He needed help.

I get this all the time.  "Well isn't that the Christian thing to do?"  No.  No it's not.  Jesus didn't say, "I love you prostitute but keeping on hooking because I don't want to hurt your feelings."  Jesus said (and I'm paraphrasing here), "I love you EXACTLY the way you are but I love you too much to let you continue this behavior."  The Christian way IS to love people where they're at.  The Christian way is NOT to encourage them to continue their destructive behavior.  I'll say that again: The Christian way is NOT to encourage them to continue their destructive behavior.

Let me give you an example of how this works:

Your 2 year old throws a gigantic tantrum in the store and begins throwing around jars of jam in his reign of terror.  You don't love your child any less for throwing a tantrum.  In fact, you love him just the same.  What you don't love is his destructive behavior.  It is not a solution to let him continue to destroy things in order to "hit his rock bottom."  It's a solution to stop what he's doing, offer discipline and help him to find a solution on what to do again.  What's the discipline?  Well, maybe it's cleaning up his mess.  But yes, he will be dealing with looks from onlookers because his behavior was unfavorable.

Yes, friends should be there when their loved ones are acting a fool.  But they shouldn't be there to just say, "Oh well, that's Bob.  He just does that."  Instead, you should be enough of a friend to say, "Bob, that's unacceptable.  You're acting like a dick."  Bob may not like being called a dick but he'll know that his behavior is unacceptable.  Instead of enabling him, you're letting him know that you love him but you're not going to take his crap.  You don't help anyone including an addict by enabling them.  You can't love someone through their bad behavior/addiction (meaning you can't think that love, alone, will resolve it.)  Love them enough to say, "I love you but I'm not going to allow you to continue to be destructive."

So spare me the whole "love him through it."  Of course you should love them but that doesn't mean you can't call them out for what they're doing.  Whether it's private or public is a matter of opinion; though my preference is private.  If you don't like being called out, though, don't do the crimes that get you called out.

A Note to Young Sports' Parents

To every parent that has enrolled their child in an extra curricular activity:

This little memo is to give you some nuggets to think on before you start attacking and complaining about your coach.  The rules exist for a reason.  You may think that you're 2 year old is "ready" to be on a team with 3 and 4 year olds.  You may think that your child is too advanced.  You may push and bully your coach but a good organization will not back down.

Why?

Your child is not ready.  This is particularly important with toddlers and preschoolers.  In order to achieve a safe environment, children have to be at a certain developmental level to participate in their age group's team.  Your child may be mature in a whole lot of ways but that doesn't make them ready to be in a whole different level of team work needed for the next age level.  The rules were designed to protect your child, not to hinder them.

So what should you do?

Respect the system.  Understand that it's in place in order to keep not only your child safe but other children safe as well.  It's designed to make sure that your child achieves certain skills both physically and socially BEFORE they move on to the next level.  It's designed to make sure that the coach has an appropriate amount of players with plenty of help, as needed.  It's designed to make things cut and dry.  Your 2 year old will do just fine if he's the best player, even if he's three or four months from turning 3.  Your 3 year old will do just fine if she's in the beginner class, even if she's only having to work on perfecting her intermediate skills.  It's better for your child to learn to work their way up than to get something for nothing.

Signed,
A Mom that Watches Coaches Get Stepped on Too Much

Change Your Perspective

So "Chewbacca Mom" posted a video of her own personal arrangement of Michael Jackson's "Heal the World."  Honestly, I went into it skeptical.  I don't follow her and got ill of all the media hype surrounding her quite quickly that led to her charging for autographs.  That said, I viewed it and it was a beautiful and humbling reminder of exactly what our world needs.  You see, she has it right: we need to spread joy, not hate.

Here is a link to view her performance....
Chewbacca Mom sings "Heal the World"

In a world where we are so wrapped up in terrifying news on a daily basis, this really is what our world needs.  No, I'm not naive enough to believe that love and joy is the key to stopping terrorism.  I'm not naive enough to believe that love is all that's needed to fix everything...but it's a start.

My mantra lately has been "Be the Change You Want to See." (it's a portion of a quote often attributed to Mahatma Gandhi).  Joy won't fix everything but it won't hurt.  Joy won't heal everyone but if it heals just one person, isn't it worth it?  Joy won't stop hate but if it deters just one person from being hateful, isn't it worth it?  Paying it forward may not change the world but it might change the course of one person's day.  What do we achieve by spreading hate?

If you don't know where to start, start small.  Smile at strangers.  Compliment someone with a true compliment.  Tell your family you love them and how special they are to you.  Give a burger to a homeless person.  As you start to see that one tiny thing can change the course of a person's day, you'll want to do even more.  Your deeds will get bigger and bigger and soon, you'll be spreading the positivity to others too.

Change your perspective, change your life

Stop Generalizing

Let me preface this whole post by saying that I love people that promote positivity.  I also love to see when people try to fix what's broken in a relationship of any kind, whether it's a parent, siblings or anyone else.  I love when people give advice to empower people but not to boss them around.  In short, I like to see people receive a different perspective but not be told what to do like mindless zombies.  Even if I don't agree with the choices that are made, I'd rather see someone make a decision on their own with a full education/perspective on the topic.

Here goes....

While I am all for sharing your life experiences and what you've learned, I'd like to make a tiny request to those that are seasoned bloggers: please stop generalizing when it comes to people's long term relationships and marriages.  Some of the generalizations you make can actually be quite dangerous.  Allow me to explain.

Every relationship machine (if you will) works with different cogs. What works with one couple might be toxic to another.  For example, in one couple where a man watches sports for several hours a day, the wife might feel neglected, frustrated and angry and accuse him of having a sports "addiction."  In another couple, the wife of a similar man might feel like this is her alone time and put limits on his viewing habits but still allow him to watch daily.  In yet another relationship, the wife might be equally as into sports and might view his viewing habits as a positive thing.  You see, the "problem" (a man that watches sports several times a day) isn't a problem in every relationship.  In some relationships, it can actually be a bonding experience.  When a popular blogger/celebrity chooses to make a generalization regarding what's toxic to a relationship, they influence the thoughts of those that value that blogger/celebrity's opinion.  The reader, then, begins to be more easily offended by their significant other and BOOM....a relationship starts having issues it didn't previously have because of an outsider's opinion (albeit one that the blogger didn't intend to cause).

When a blogger declares a behavior "dangerous" in a relationship, they aren't considering the actual meaning of the word.  They aren't considering the implications that this word causes.  When a reader sees the word "dangerous," it triggers their defense mechanism.  "Red flag" does the same thing.  My belief is that, when talking about relationships, these words should be reserved for abusive or negligent behaviors.  And no, I'm not referring to your feelings being hurt.  I'm referring to actual abuse and negligence such as physical assault or threat of physical assault, emotional abuse (extreme name calling, belittling, threats, etc) and other such behavior.  You see, these are actually documented dangerous behaviors.  "Danger" is not an opinion in this instance; it's a fact.

Another irksome phrase used by bloggers is that people don't change.  This just isn't true.  People can't change who they are at their core; that's true.  They can, however, change their habits.  Most things that these relationship bloggers are talking about are habits, not characteristics.  Will your significant other change because you yell at them?  No.  Will they change because you bully or nag them?  No.  Can they change their habits because they choose to?  Yes, I believe they can.  Change requires dedication to the cause and prioritizing.  I don't believe it's impossible, though.  Why?  Because you see it every day with addicts.  You see it every day with people that have gone to jail.  You see it in churches.  You see it everywhere.  People hit rock bottom and change their habits in order to improve their quality of life.  The idea that "people don't change" is a completely unfounded and partially false statement.  They can change...but they have to want to do it.

A final one that I'd like to touch on is that "all men are" or "all women are" a certain way (or any other phrase of the like).  Here are some truths about "all men".... they have a penis, they have more testosterone than a woman.  The end.  Here are some truths about "all women".... they have a vagina and more estrogen than men.  The end.  All men are not dogs.  All women are not crazy.  I could go on and on.  Please, please, please stop saying using these phrases.  Just because your ex-wife cheated on you doesn't mean all women cheat.  Just because your ex-husband bullied you doesn't mean that all men do that.  Just because your ex girlfriend belittled you constantly doesn't mean all women do that.  Just because your ex boyfriend relentlessly flirted with anything with boobs doesn't mean every guy does it.  Stop creating drama that doesn't exist.

Look, I've been through a divorce.  I've had breakups.  I know how challenging it can be to deal with the emotions.  However, I don't think it's a reason to encourage others to create drama in their own relationships.  Please, bloggers, use your influence to increase positivity.  Please encourage people to be their very best...don't create drama that doesn't need to be there.  You never know whose life you're changing with your words.

***I'm not simply blaming bloggers and celebrities.  Realistically, no one should be basing their relationships on what they read.  With that said, bloggers are well aware of the influence they have on their readers.  This is a perspective to consider

"Ask the Gays"....my stomach is turning at this phrase

Okay, I need to sound off for a moment on something.  I don't try to swing anybody toward either political party.  I certainly don't think that EITHER party is without some MAJOR issues and, frankly, I think politicians are just apes in suits, in general.  What was designed, by our founding fathers, to be a political process that allowed the people to choose has become a complicated web of bribery, lies and unfounded promises.  So before you read this, understand that I'm not saying that this candidate is good or bad.  I'm not telling you to vote or not vote for him.  I'm not trying to change anyone's opinion but I'm over the politically correct "look the other way" response for this.

Donald Trump, in a speech, used the phrase "ask the gays" who would be a better president for the LGBT community.  I'm not one that is easily offended.  I'm also not a member of the LGBT community but I am a supporter of their rights and, let's face it, a supporter of human decency.  As Trump supporters try to pat this down and pretend like it's not a big deal, I am furious that this is considered acceptable.  At what point did this become acceptable speech for a Presidential candidate to use?  Why are we okay with this?

Throughout his whole walk with this Presidential process, people have overlooked his comments saying that "he says it like it is."  And it's true.  He says it like it is....in his own mind.  I understand that the country is angry at the way that things are.  We have a right to be, frankly.  We are watching our freedoms flee on a daily basis.  There is a whole lot of the tap dance routine that Trump has put on (and, yes, I refer to ALL political candidates' activities as song and dance) that I like the sound of.  I would love our economy to be turned around and I honestly believe he could achieve that in a whole lot of ways.  What I DON'T agree with is this "tell it like it is", no tact approach to everything.  It's unacceptable and it's dangerous to our connections to the rest of the world.

This particular time, it was "ask the gays."  Well, guess what.... referring to a group of people that have fought for rights for decades as "the gays" is not something I want from a Presidential candidate. You'll have to forgive me if I'm not a supporter of speaking about people in a manner.  I tend to think that a President should be someone that I can encourage my kids to look up to.  Are Presidents without flaws?  Of course not! Overall, though,  I'd like to think that the man (or woman, as it stands) that represents our country should be someone that encourages UNITY.  I'd like to think that our President should have integrity, some degree of poise and intelligence.  I want to see someone bring our nation together, not tear us apart.  I want to see someone have respect for ALL groups, not refer to them as "the gays" or anything even close to that.

Am I saying you shouldn't vote for him?  No.  What I am saying is that if you're voting for him regardless of him saying these things, you're encouraging this talk to continue.  You may think it's funny or acceptable when it is not referring to a group you're a part of.  Maybe you're okay with it.  What about when it becomes a group that you ARE a part of?  Will you still be so supportive of this continued speech pattern?  Why are we not demanding more of our candidates?  Why are we not telling the candidates that we support, "Hey! Not cool!  That is unacceptable and you need to educate yourself a bit more on the topic if you even dream that it's an acceptable way to speak to or about people."  I'm not all about being PC but I am DEFINITELY about respecting people.

Look, when it comes down to it, this is just wrong.  Donald Trump's ignorant (and I'm using it as lack of knowledge on particular topics that he speaks on) speech pattern that is deemed "telling it like it is" is not acceptable, in my book.  He needs to shape up and, perhaps, show a little bit of tact or, God forbid, compassion toward the people of our country.  I know that this phrase will probably be covered up by his supporters and blown off, as the rest of them have, but this girl is waiting for him to apologize for his brash talk to a group of people that just want to have the same rights as everyone else.

5 Things You Can Teach Your Child to Make Them a Better Person

There are 5 things I believe that you can teach your kids VERY young that will make all the difference in their social relationships as they grow.  We have no real control over what our children "become" as an adult but we can definitely impact their hearts and help them to be better people as they grow.

1.  Compassion: Some kids are more compassionate than others, by nature.  However, even those that aren't compassionate at their core can be taught some level of compassion.  Volunteer.  Do things that teach children that the world is bigger than their little bubble.  Teach them to try to help when they can.  Teach them to care when someone else hurts.

2.  Integrity.  Teach your children that it doesn't matter who's watching...it matters what you know in your heart.  Most of the time, kids know right from wrong, on some level.  The fact is that they are often "taught" by peers to hide things from adults and do wrong anyway.  Teach your children not only to do what's right at their core but to encourage others to do it too.

3.  Honesty.  Teach them that it's better to tell the truth than it is to lie.  Encourage them to understand that even if honesty gets them into a little bit of trouble, they'd be in more trouble if they lie.  Encourage them to understand that honesty breeds trust and trust is essential in almost every relationship you have.

4.  Personal responsibility.  This is a big one.  Instead of placing blame, accept the responsibility for what you've done wrong.  A good portion of our country's issues is lack of personal responsibility.  People seem to be more inclined to place blame and make excuses than they are to admit they've made a mistake.  Mistakes happen...you learn from them.  But, as Dr Phil says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge."

5.  Respect.  This can span a wide road.  Yes, it applies to manners.  Yes it applies to listening to teachers, etc.  But this also is about respecting themselves.  It's about respect others, in general.  It's about understanding that people will have different opinions.  It's understanding that others may choose a different lifestyle than you do and that's okay.  It's understanding that the choices people make aren't who they are (though that does not mean the choices are without consequence, in some cases).  It's about respect for life, as a whole.

These 5 things don't guarantee that someone will become a good person.  They don't guarantee that they'll make good choices or end up successful.  What it does guarantee is that this, combined with love, will get your child started on a great track.

School Dress Codes Aimed at Girls

There is a whole movement (for lack of better word) about how school dress codes are shaming girls.  I don't tend to offend easily nor do I like to jump to conclusions; therefore, I wanted to look into it a bit more.  I spent a series of several months looking up 25 different school dress codes other than my kids' schools.  My criteria was that it had to be a public school and had to have a handbook available on the school or district's website.  I tried to vary locations to represent a wide variety of places in the country.

What I found was relatively disturbing.  When I reviewed dress codes, I found that nearly all of the rules either directly mentioned girls or were implied toward feminine clothes (aka spaghetti straps).  Boys were essentially told that they had to have their pants pulled up to the appropriate level (which was actually aimed toward girls too) and that they couldn't wear muscle shirts or tank tops (at some schools).  Girls were told that they couldn't wear spaghetti straps, tank tops, muscle shirts, anything that showed any skin on the back, anything that cut too low in the front, anything that showed their stomach when they lifted their arms and couldn't have bra straps showing.  They were told that their shorts, skirts, and dresses had to go to the tip of their middle finger with their arms down or, in some cases, down to their knee.  They were told that they couldn't have "excessively sized" earrings and no distracting jewelry.  They can't wear open toe shoes (which would apply to boys in flip flops/sandals as well), heels, or anything strappy even if it had a closed toe.  None of the kids could have "distracting" color in their hair at some schools.  Girls weren't allowed to carry purses at a whole lot of schools.  A clear 80-85% of rules were aimed at girls.

Why?

The explanation seems to be given that it's "distracting" but my question is "to whom?"  Instead of teaching boys to keep their eyes on the road (so to speak), we are teaching girls that it's their fault if boys are distracted.  We are teaching girls that if they wear a tank top, they might cause a boy to be so distracted that he might get poor grades.  We are teaching girls that if they have mid-thigh length shorts, boys might be so distracted that they'll get into trouble.  But why?  Why is that the girl's fault?  Why are we not teaching our boys to be responsible for their own bodies and their own actions?

I think the cherry on top of the crap sundae for me was seeing a boy in one of the local schools wearing a shirt that says "Cool story, babe.  Now go make me a sandwich."  Hold the phone.... so it's not okay for a girl to wear a v-neck shirt but it's okay for a boy to wear a completely sexist shirt? (Don't get me wrong...I think the shirt is funny in a lewd way but for an adult....a teenage kid shouldn't be wearing that.  I wouldn't buy it personally but I wouldn't be offend if I saw an adult man wearing it....I just wouldn't be surprised if he was an eternal bachelor with that attitude).  I'm just not exactly certain how THAT isn't considered distracting with all the rules that are aimed at girls.  I happen to know that the girls' rules are enforced pretty strictly...yet this is okay.

Being a mom of boys (and girls), I find this completely unacceptable.  Either we have a dress code to prevent distraction for all students or we stop putting so many restrictions on the kids.  When we stop allowing the American flag to be worn but we allow Black Panther shirts to be worn and not considered distracting, we are creating a double standard.  When we stop allowing girls to wear a shirt with a cut out in the back but allow boys to wear a shirt that is clearly demoralizing toward women, we are creating a double standard.  When we teach people that they can't wear a shirt promoting Christianity or Mormonism or Buddhism but we can promote atheism, it's a double standard.  Why are we teaching our boys (and girls) that they aren't responsible for their actions...that clothes can "make" them do things?

After doing all of this "research", I think there need to be some serious changes made to our thinking. If we are truly trying to protect our children, we need to teach them to be responsible for their bodies and minds.  We need to teach them that they have the control to take care of themselves.  We need to stop teaching our girls that what they wear makes them responsible for what other people choose to do.  Period.  This is not okay.

"Mean Kids"

If you ask my kids about "mean kids," they will likely roll their eyes and repeat the talk we've had a million times: "Mean kids are often the kids that need your kindness the most."  It's a mantra we repeat over and over.  It's kind of a nicer, simpler way of saying, "Kill em with kindness."  It's something we talk about frequently for a number of reasons. I truly believe that about 90% of "mean kids" in elementary school (and sometimes beyond) are kids that have had some challenges.  These challenges can range from lack of self confidence to abuse at home.  In short, they aren't "mean", they're in need of kindness.

There are videos circulating of parents encouraging their kids to fight, particularly young girls.  We teach our girls to be "empowered" (which is fantastic) but forget to teach them that empowerment doesn't mean rude, overpowering, bitchy behavior.  Empowered is about finding the greatness within them and knowing that they can do ANYTHING.  An empowered woman who is still confident enough to be compassionate, kind, and loving is a force to be reckoned with.

When I work with kids, I often seek out the kids that are the "trouble makers."  I'm drawn to them and I believe it's for a simple reason: most of the time, their "troublesome" behavior is just a cry for attention.  They're really smart, wonderful children but they're struggling with a challenge and they're not sure how to overcome it.  When you work with them and help them find the greatness within them, it's like a whole new world to them.  When you allow them to blossom into what they were meant to be, they become a force to be reckoned with.  Virtually every one of them wants to help someone ELSE find their greatness after that.

I encourage my kids to do the same.  I teach them to be kind and compassionate to bullies.  Often, one of two things will happen: 1- If the bully just needs a friend, they will stop their harsh behavior and learn a lesson.  2-The bully will lose interest because they're not getting the reaction they want.  Either way, it's more about character.  I try to teach them that they need to be a good person no matter who's watching, or not watching.  The world will reward them for being kind and compassionate.

So what about the other 10%?  These are my undecided ones.  These are the kids I can't entirely explain.  Most often, I find that they have an older sibling or parent that acts like a bully themselves and they learn this behavior (think O'Doyle in "Billy Madison).  It's not that they can't be treated with compassion; it's just that the compassion won't always help.  It will feed their ego and make you seem weak.  What do I tell my kids about these circumstances?  Be nice anyway.  If they want to make fun of you for being nice, so be it.  What a silly thing to be teased about!

The lesson in all of this is that not every child gets the same encouragement at home. Some act out in school, etc because they don't have the social skills to understand how to express this challenge.  Just one encouraging friend can make a difference.  Just one person to stand up and be kind in the face of a "mean kid" might make the difference in their lives.  It teaches both parties an important lesson and it might just change the world.

Rec League Sports Parents

As a sports mama, I have to say that I'm amazed at the audacity of people in the crowds of rec leagues.  I completely understand the competitive nature that lives inside of all of us (some more than others) but I'm floored at the language and actions of the parents, family and friends of those watching rec leagues.  Here are my feelings on the topic....

1.  It is NEVER okay to insult another player on your team or your opponent's.  NEVER.  You absolutely may not treat these kids like they fall under your little insult umbrella because you're unhappy with their play.  It's a rec league.  Stop it.  Seriously.

2.  No one is more passionate about sports than this mama but passion means respect for the sport and the athletes playing it.  Stop acting like you're some damn NFL/MLB/NBA/NHL coach.  Seriously.

3.  Respect the coaches.  Most of the time, these coaches are volunteers.  Their concern is more for making sure that the kids involved have fun, get a chance to play and learn to love the game.

4.  Respect the refs. Against, mostly volunteers.  Everyone makes mistakes, folks.  It's a rec league, it's not the NHL playoffs.

5.  Cheer for your team...your WHOLE team.  I don't care if they never hit a ball or drop the ball every time it's hit to them.  Cheer for them anyway.

Here are 10 things you should NEVER do as a rec league sports parent....

1.  NEVER boo the other team.  Seriously, sometimes where they get put is just luck of the draw.  These kids do not deserve to be boo'ed.  They're doing their best.

2.  NEVER boo anyone on your own team.  Yes, I've seen this happen.  No, it's not okay.  Ever.

3.  NEVER yell at your coach for letting everyone play.  That's their "job."  How else are these kids going to learn?

4.  NEVER yell at your kid on the field, sidelines or bench.  I'm sorry but it's never okay to humiliate them while they're in the middle of a game.

5.  NEVER yell at the refs.  This is not professional sports, folks.  Sometimes they miss the call.  It's not the end of the world.

6.  NEVER throw things on the field.  Yup, I've seen this too.

7.  NEVER trash talk kids in the stands.  First of all, we don't like to hear our kids trash talked.  Secondly, we don't like to hear other kids trash talked.  Third, you're a douche if you do this.

8.  NEVER encourage your kid to cheat.  Yup, I"ve seen it.

9.  NEVER encourage your child to hurt someone else.  Sadly, seen this too.

10.  NEVER forget that this is not a professional league.  Your kids aren't getting paid and this isn't for a scholarship.  They're learning and having fun.

Here are 5 things you ABSOLUTELY should do as a rec league sports parent....

1.  Give a cheer for EVERYONE.  Yes, I understand your team is playing an opponent but it's perfectly okay to say, "Great catch" or "Nice throw" to an opponent's child.  It certainly doesn't hurt your team and, let's face it, you may just make that kid's day.

2.  Teach your kid to be a good sport.  If you're winning, you're not taunting the other team.  If you're losing, you're not acting like a brat about it.  and you ALWAYS go shake hands after the game.

3.  Let the coach know you're behind them.  Tell your coach you appreciate them.  They're likely volunteering their time and energy being there.

4.  Let the refs know you respect their calls.  Period.

5.  Remember that your kids are playing to learn to love the game.  Remember that they're learning the rules and techniques on how to be a better player.  Down the road, maybe you can cheer for them in a professional game.  For now, just be glad they're making effort, working hard and your support means more to them than anything else.