"Bad Kids"

One of my biggest "grrr" moments, of late, has been hearing people comment about the "bad kids" that are influencing their own kids.  Why is this a "grrrr" thing for me?  It's pretty simple.  I don't think there are "bad kids."  I think there are good kids that make bad choices sometimes.  I think that "bad kids" are really kids whose parents aren't able (for whatever reason) to guide them through the recovery process from bad decisions.  That's NOT to say that every "bad kid" has parents that neglect them or that they are crap parents.  In fact, it's nothing like that.  What is it like?  Allow me to explain....

Kids do not have the part of their brain that aids with impulse control fully developed.  In fact, it isn't fully developed until their 20s.  This part of the brain, the frontal lobe, controls so much.  Included in this list (but not the list in its entirety) is problem-solving, judgment, social behavior and sexual behavior.  Just let that sink in for a moment.  Essentially, the part  that controls everything that will affect their social lives is not working in a conducive environment in their brain.  They can't rush it.  They can't fake it.  It's anatomically underdeveloped until they reach their 20s.

Now think about every "bad kid" and what is being claimed about them.  Most of those problems stem from some issue covered by what their frontal lobe does.  Drug use starts with an impulsive decision.  Risque sexual behavior starts with impulsive decisions.  Negative social behavior starts with bad judgment and no problem-solving skills.  The list goes on and on but it always comes back to the frontal lobe behaviors.

Let me ask you this: would you be upset if you gave a newly diagnosed diabetic a pixie stick and their blood sugar went bonkers?  Of course you wouldn't.  Maybe you'd be upset that they didn't tell you that they were diabetic.  Maybe you'd be upset that they weren't keeping an eye on their blood sugar and you didn't know that they would react that way. You, likely, wouldn't be mad at them, though.  Why?  Because they can't adequately control their blood sugar.  Anatomically speaking, their body can't adequately process it.  If they're newly diagnosed, they are still new to learning the ins and outs of what they can and can't do.

Now apply that to kids.  In the same way, kids are still learning the ins and outs of making good decisions, controlling their impulses, and so on.  While parents are there to guide them, ultimately the kids have to learn the lessons.

That is not to say that kids shouldn't be disciplined and receive consequences.  Of course they should.  That's HOW they learn.  Parents are supposed to put a system of rules and consequences (both good and bad) in place to help their child through their learning process.  It's not a foolproof system and they will still make mistakes.  That's why you have to be there to guide them through it and learn how to manage the situation the next time they face it.  It's a skill that seems to be lacking among parents in this generation. I'm not blaming parents for a child's bad decision but I will, surely, say that the parents are responsible for providing the system of consequences that come with it.  Your child's bad decisions don't make you a bad parent; your choice to not provide adequate consequences leaves some room for improvement.

Nonetheless, let me close with this.  Bad decisions do not a "bad kid" make.  "Bad kids" do not a bad parent make.  Do your best to provide a network of positive and negative (as needed) consequences for behaviors that your child chooses.  Start early and be consistent.  Take a moment and be patient with the "bad kids" you're dealing with.  Remember that not every parent will take on the concerned, responsible role that they should.  Sometimes it takes a village and sometimes just being there for that "bad kid" and letting them know that YOU care enough to try to help them through this process will turn their behavior around.  It's not a guarantee but it's definitely food for thought.

Change Your Perspective

So "Chewbacca Mom" posted a video of her own personal arrangement of Michael Jackson's "Heal the World."  Honestly, I went into it skeptical.  I don't follow her and got ill of all the media hype surrounding her quite quickly that led to her charging for autographs.  That said, I viewed it and it was a beautiful and humbling reminder of exactly what our world needs.  You see, she has it right: we need to spread joy, not hate.

Here is a link to view her performance....
Chewbacca Mom sings "Heal the World"

In a world where we are so wrapped up in terrifying news on a daily basis, this really is what our world needs.  No, I'm not naive enough to believe that love and joy is the key to stopping terrorism.  I'm not naive enough to believe that love is all that's needed to fix everything...but it's a start.

My mantra lately has been "Be the Change You Want to See." (it's a portion of a quote often attributed to Mahatma Gandhi).  Joy won't fix everything but it won't hurt.  Joy won't heal everyone but if it heals just one person, isn't it worth it?  Joy won't stop hate but if it deters just one person from being hateful, isn't it worth it?  Paying it forward may not change the world but it might change the course of one person's day.  What do we achieve by spreading hate?

If you don't know where to start, start small.  Smile at strangers.  Compliment someone with a true compliment.  Tell your family you love them and how special they are to you.  Give a burger to a homeless person.  As you start to see that one tiny thing can change the course of a person's day, you'll want to do even more.  Your deeds will get bigger and bigger and soon, you'll be spreading the positivity to others too.

Change your perspective, change your life

Hate Breeds Hate; it will never change the world

One of the biggest things that I've had to learn in my adult years is that before I assume something based on limited information, I should research all sides of it.  It has led me to learn more about other cultures, religions, and people, in general.  I don't want to just assume because of what someone has told me.  I don't just want to form an opinion to be part of a crowd.  I want to learn about the differences that people have so that I can also find the things that we share.  Why is this so important to me?  Because.....

Hate will NEVER create more love; it only creates more hate.

In the vast majority of cases, hatred is caused by ignorance.  People don't care to educate themselves on something so they just choose to dislike it instead.  It's the adult equivalent of kids not wanting to eat their veggies: it's different and they assume they won't like it so they won't touch it.  We tend, as adults, to sometimes decide that we don't like something without even having all of the information.  We don't want to take the time to learn about it.  We feel like different is hard, different is bad.  We preach about changing the world but we forget that changing the world would require changes in ourselves and in our lives.....differences.

One of the biggest clashes of late seems to be religion (though this argument has been around since the dawn of time) or lack thereof.  It exists in all religions, to some extent.  After all religion is based on faith.  In short, you believe that what/who you worship will bring good things into your life.  You also believe, though, that every other religion has it wrong.  Some religions believe that all other religions are below them.  Some religions believe that we are all equal.  Some believe only believers will get into Heaven, some believe in only chosen people getting there, some believe that you have to earn your way there and some believe that there isn't an afterlife because of reincarnation. Every religion believes that they are the only one that is right.  Atheists believe there is no god.  Agnostics are unsure of the existence of God.

Then there are those of us that exist without specific religion.  I am a Christian and, yet, I don't particularly like the idea of organized religion because of how corrupt it has become.  I don't expect everyone to believe as I believe.  In fact, I believe that God speaks to different people in very different ways.  Why would he do that?  Simple...God created us to be such extraordinarily different people that he needs to speak to us in extraordinarily different ways.  I believe that it is much the same as how parents of multiple children have to encourage and discipline different kids.  You see, we all feel and express love a little bit differently.

Religious people can often have a tendency to be judgmental.  They blame it on a book or their belief system. If you do this, you're not a good enough (fill in the blank with the religion).  If you don't do that, you're not a good enough (fill in the blank with the religion).  Then, add in atheists and agnostics who love to sound off on whether or not you're a good enough Christian (for example) because you do or don't do this or that.  And what it all comes down to is ignorance.  None of us know enough to truly make a solid judgment.  We just don't.   All we are doing by spreading this judgement on whether a person or a religion is right or wrong is spreading hatred....making a bigger precipice to fall into.

What if we all just took the time to learn?  Instead of assuming that all Christians are this or all Muslims are that or all Buddhists are this way or all Jewish people are that way, what if we truly took the time to learn?  What if we immersed ourselves in learning?  What if we read what they read without assumptions?  What if we TALKED to people of that faith and learned about what they believe and what they practice?  What if we learned about their holidays and customs?  What if we learned about their stances on the very issues that we make assumptions on now?  What if we battled intolerance with education?  What if we stopped being ignorant and started being intelligent?

You see, we will never change the world by hiding in a hole, believing that we already have all of the information that we will ever need by the time we are adults. We will only change the world when we change ourselves and dedicate our lives to learning.

Micromanaging Our Kids

I saw an article this morning about a school who hired a "playground consultant" to make recess more inclusive.  Honestly, it makes me cringe.  Great, no scratch that..AMAZING, intention but awful awful execution.   Here's the thing: we need to stop micromanaging our kids.  Why?  Here goes....

Back in the day, kids were allowed to just be kids.  They were allowed to like or dislike other kids.  They were allowed to fail if they didn't do their homework.  They were allowed to be reprimanded by teachers.  They were allowed to get a whooping or stand in a corner if they misbehaved.  They were allowed to have their mouths washed out with soap.  They were allowed to learn from their mistakes without their parents stepping in to prevent them from experiencing the hard stuff.  Am I suggesting that life was perfect back then?  Of course not.  What I am definitely pointing out is that kids were learning to be productive adults back then.  They were learning how to cope with their feelings and that life isn't always fair or fun.

Flash forward to the current generation.  Now kids are told that they have to like everyone and include everyone all of the time.   Kids are reprimanded for having people that they prefer.  The irony?  We're told that we shouldn't push our kids to hug, smile or respect adults without the adults jumping through hoops because it tramples a kid's rights.  Now kids are told that there's always an opportunity to turn in late assignments that they decide that they don't want to do.  Now, kids are told that teachers and school staff aren't allowed to punish them.  Parents step in if a teacher tells a child that they aren't making good decisions and teachers are treated like villians.  Now, it's more difficult to give a kid consequences because everything either "hurts their spirit" or is considered illegal.  And we wonder why we have a generation of entitled, bratty kids coming up.

Notice the difference between the old generation and the current one?  Let me spell it out....life experience.  When you constantly micromanage someone, you are preventing them from learning from life experience.  If they aren't allowed to experience negative consequence, they will never learn why they shouldn't do something.  They also miss out on the rewards, though.  They never get a chance to truly feel like they earned something if someone is constantly telling them every single rule that needs to be made.

So why does the playground committee make me cringe?  Well, it's simple. Yes, I understand that bullying is a big deal.  I am a HUGE supporter of options like "buddy benches."  Why?  Because it teaches kids that they need to take the initiative to speak for themselves.  If you're feeling left out, sit on the bench.  If you see someone on the bench, go talk to them.  It gives kids the power to do something to help themselves.  It teaches them not to rely on a teacher to force someone to socialize with them.  However, when you start treating playgrounds as if they're tiny jail yards, you start creating a bunch of tiny convicts.  You can't force kids to like someone else.  Maybe they don't share interests or maybe their personalities just don't mesh.  When you force them to play with these kids and teach them that they have to like everyone and treat every single person the same, you teach them that their preferences no longer matter.  Should we be teaching them compassion and just plain friendliness?  Of course.  Should we force feed them stories of why they need to invite everyone to their party?  No.

Here is my other issue with this: If kids are forced into liking everyone, they don't learn the lessons from being excluded.  Yes, it's painful to be excluded.  I totally agree.  With that being said, you don't get the same treatment as an adult.  Your boss doesn't travel around the office singing folk songs and explaining why you should invite everyone to happy hour.  As an adult, you're expected to take initiative yourself.  You're expected to find someone who shares common interests and that you get along with.  If you never let your kids experience rejection, they never learn to take initiative for yourself.  Maybe if more kids were allowed to experience a little bit of heartache (with a support system of family/friends to console them and help THEM take initiative to fix it), there would be less kids going on rampages or committing suicide. Just food for thought.  Instead of teaching kids that others are cruel if they don't include them, maybe we should be teaching them that not every other peer's opinion matters and that they should find friends that have similar interests.  God forbid we HELP them instead of doing it for them.

What this all comes down to is that we are hindering this generation by micromanaging them.  We are teaching them that they need to rely on us to think (and in the same breath, teaching them why they don't have to respect adults).  We're teaching them that their preferences don't matter and then, with our actions, teaching them that they should express themselves freely.  Letting your kids succeed and fail while you support them will do them much more good, in the long run, than forcing them into a path that you've forged.