"Bad Kids"

One of my biggest "grrr" moments, of late, has been hearing people comment about the "bad kids" that are influencing their own kids.  Why is this a "grrrr" thing for me?  It's pretty simple.  I don't think there are "bad kids."  I think there are good kids that make bad choices sometimes.  I think that "bad kids" are really kids whose parents aren't able (for whatever reason) to guide them through the recovery process from bad decisions.  That's NOT to say that every "bad kid" has parents that neglect them or that they are crap parents.  In fact, it's nothing like that.  What is it like?  Allow me to explain....

Kids do not have the part of their brain that aids with impulse control fully developed.  In fact, it isn't fully developed until their 20s.  This part of the brain, the frontal lobe, controls so much.  Included in this list (but not the list in its entirety) is problem-solving, judgment, social behavior and sexual behavior.  Just let that sink in for a moment.  Essentially, the part  that controls everything that will affect their social lives is not working in a conducive environment in their brain.  They can't rush it.  They can't fake it.  It's anatomically underdeveloped until they reach their 20s.

Now think about every "bad kid" and what is being claimed about them.  Most of those problems stem from some issue covered by what their frontal lobe does.  Drug use starts with an impulsive decision.  Risque sexual behavior starts with impulsive decisions.  Negative social behavior starts with bad judgment and no problem-solving skills.  The list goes on and on but it always comes back to the frontal lobe behaviors.

Let me ask you this: would you be upset if you gave a newly diagnosed diabetic a pixie stick and their blood sugar went bonkers?  Of course you wouldn't.  Maybe you'd be upset that they didn't tell you that they were diabetic.  Maybe you'd be upset that they weren't keeping an eye on their blood sugar and you didn't know that they would react that way. You, likely, wouldn't be mad at them, though.  Why?  Because they can't adequately control their blood sugar.  Anatomically speaking, their body can't adequately process it.  If they're newly diagnosed, they are still new to learning the ins and outs of what they can and can't do.

Now apply that to kids.  In the same way, kids are still learning the ins and outs of making good decisions, controlling their impulses, and so on.  While parents are there to guide them, ultimately the kids have to learn the lessons.

That is not to say that kids shouldn't be disciplined and receive consequences.  Of course they should.  That's HOW they learn.  Parents are supposed to put a system of rules and consequences (both good and bad) in place to help their child through their learning process.  It's not a foolproof system and they will still make mistakes.  That's why you have to be there to guide them through it and learn how to manage the situation the next time they face it.  It's a skill that seems to be lacking among parents in this generation. I'm not blaming parents for a child's bad decision but I will, surely, say that the parents are responsible for providing the system of consequences that come with it.  Your child's bad decisions don't make you a bad parent; your choice to not provide adequate consequences leaves some room for improvement.

Nonetheless, let me close with this.  Bad decisions do not a "bad kid" make.  "Bad kids" do not a bad parent make.  Do your best to provide a network of positive and negative (as needed) consequences for behaviors that your child chooses.  Start early and be consistent.  Take a moment and be patient with the "bad kids" you're dealing with.  Remember that not every parent will take on the concerned, responsible role that they should.  Sometimes it takes a village and sometimes just being there for that "bad kid" and letting them know that YOU care enough to try to help them through this process will turn their behavior around.  It's not a guarantee but it's definitely food for thought.