There's no harm in asking.....

I am trying to teach my kids a pretty important lesson.... there are no stupid questions and there's no harm in asking.  I truly believe that there is no such thing as a stupid question.  Stupidity is lack of knowledge and almost every real question gives you knowledge.  The one I'm enforcing most, though, is that there is no harm in asking.

Let me explain....

Let's say you're a homebuyer.  You see a home you are absolutely over the moon for but it's out of your price range.  You decide to throw in a bid to see what happens.  Why?  Realistically it can't hurt to try.  The worst they can do is say no.  It's just the worst thing that can happen.

Let's say you're a high school student and you're trying to perfect a project in the midst of a whole lot of other projects in other classes.  Your teacher says it's due at the end of class but you think you can completely perfect it, thereby improving your grade, by the end of the day.  Ask if it's possible and explain your case.  It can't hurt to see what happens, right?

Let's say that your a younger child who wants a pet.  Your parents say no.  Plead your case with a great argument and maybe, just maybe it'll change their minds.  They might say no or they might have a compromise.  You may just end up getting what you want.

We, as adults, don't like to "look stupid."  We seem to get more afraid of just saying what we're wanting because we're afraid to get told "no" or to "look stupid."  Here's the thing: you never know unless you give it a try.  More often than not, God has a plan when he puts something on your heart.

Coordinated Kids

One of my biggest pet peeves to see on a regular basis is "coordinated kids."  Now let me preface by saying that I realize people do this for special occasions, pictures, etc.  I'll also say that people have the freedom to do whatever they want.  This is an opinion thing and I'd rather see "coordinated kids" all day long than kids that are ignored, mistreated or abused...period.

Now with that little disclaimer done...

I love the adorable little matching outfits for big brother/sister and baby when baby is a newborn. I think it makes the proud sibling feel fantastic.  But that's where it ends for me.  Children develop a unique sense of style at a very early age.  Some like leggings or track pants.  Some like jeans.  Some refuse to wear long sleeves at all and some prefer hoodies.  Some like bright colors and some like primary or pastel.  My point is that kids have likes and dislikes just as much as adults do.

It drives me bananas to see a parent force or bribe their little one into having to dress like the older sibling.  Why?  The younger child is a unique individual too.  Your kids are not your Barbie dolls.  Your kids are not little cookie cutter molds that you make them into.  Your kids are who they are.  It might not be what you planned but it's what you are blessed with.  You might have wanted a little girly girl that likes dresses and instead you got a girl that loves jerseys.  You can't bribe it out of them and dressing them like a twin will only result in tantrums and such.

This especially drives me nuts in people that I see do it daily or ,even, more than three times a week. You think it's cute and funny but it's not.  Cramming them into little matching dresses or skirts all the time is not adorable to anyone that can see that your kids are different and should be allowed to dress differently.  There are exceptions in kids that prefer this and that's fine if it's something THEY want.  What is NOT fine is expecting your little one to be excited to dress like big sister when big sister is their polar opposite in almost every single way.

Embrace your child's personality and stop trying to make them into something they're not.  In the end, who they are will shine through anyway and it's likely millions of times as brilliant as anything else.

"Silence is the Best Response"

One of my favorite phrases is "sometimes silence is the best response." I received a private message on social media from a stranger.  I received this message not because I said something on a friend's post.  I received this message not because I even posted a single thing.  I received it because I "liked" someone's comment....not their post, their comment.  This message not only contained obscene pictures meant to offend me but also a nasty-gram meant to make me feel like crap.  It assaulted my character in ways that had to make me laugh because they are NOTHING like what I am and it was a pretty big leap to assume.

I've talked before about people's right to their opinion and it cracks me up when someone actually feels the need to take the time to privately message me to tell me that they disagree (which would be fine) and that I'm a dick because they disagree.  Ummmm....that's not how that works.  With that said, silence was definitely the best response.  If the little twit that wrote the message reads this, thank you for the obscene picture. It's a nice likeness of you.

The Target Bathroom Policy

The controversy surrounding the "transgender bathroom policy"  at Target is growing daily.  Those on the opposing side are signing a petition to boycott Target.  Those on the supporting side are cheering and actually shopping at Target MORE!  I've kept mum for awhile, just trying to gather my thoughts on the topic.  I wanted to listen to all sides of the argument and see where my opinion fell after the fact.  So here goes......

First of all, the argument for the opposing side is namely based on the idea that "a man could pretend to be transgender just to get in the bathroom and assault your wife or child."  In other words, the concern is not about transgender people (as a whole) but with child predators and the like.  Here's a little nugget of information to think on.... what makes you think that predators would even bother to "pretend" to be transgender?  Predators have been sneaking into bathrooms for decades.  They don't need a policy to do it.  You should ALWAYS be concerned about your safety and your family's safety (boys too) in public restrooms.  That said, a policy that allows transgender people to use the bathroom of their choice will make absolutely no difference in whether or not predators are coming in to assault your family.  The bigger risk, unfortunately, is that the transgender individuals will be assaulted themselves.  Statistically they are assaulted in alarming numbers and it's just not okay.  A piece of paper or a sign or a policy has nothing to do with whether or not a predator will come into the bathroom; it's like saying that a "no gun zone" sign will keep a gunman out.

A second argument is that "a man could come into the bathroom with your wife or child and flash their junk at them."  This partially goes back to my last point but partially goes to another: why do you think this is limited to bathrooms?  If your concern is that your daughter might see a penis in a Target bathroom, you are ignoring the fact that this can happen almost anywhere.  Men (or women) that are going to flash you their "junk" are going to do it wherever they choose.  You're worried about the bathroom in Target; meanwhile, this guy does it in the produce section at the supermarket.  Again, I present the argument that you are confusing transgender people with mentally disturbed flashers.  You have likely used the bathroom with a transgender person more often than you know....guess what, you were not affected in any way.

"Well it's simple.  If you have a penis, use the men's bathroom.  If you have a vagina, use the women's bathroom."  Look, you can agree or disagree with whether or not you're born transgender (the same way you can argue whether or not you're born homosexual).  The argument has nothing to do with the point on this.  The fact is that transgender people often feel as if they were born in the wrong body.  This argument is hard to debate but I will say that it's definitely not "simple."

"Well they're just being politically correct."  No one cringes more at politically correct hoopla than I do but this is not about being politically correct; it's about being compassionate.  It's about recognizing a "group" (for lack of better word) of people who just want to be able to do a simple human function (like urinate) where they feel comfortable.  99% of transgender people are not going to draw attention to themselves walking into a bathroom anywhere.  They just want to poop in peace.  It's as simple as that.

"Well I don't want some dude watching me pee."  Well then close the stall door.  A WHOOOOOLE lot of the people arguing this point have probably never even USED the bathroom in Target.  Some "dude" is in the bathroom for the same reason you are and, guess what, they're going to close and lock the stall door and do the same thing you're doing: pee.  The idea that transgender people will use this policy as some sort of excuse to be a sneaky perv is absolutely ridiculous and demoralizing (but I'll get to that in a second).  Do YOU go into bathrooms and peer over the stalls or peek through the cracks?  Nope.  You're a normal person that looks under the stall enough to see if there's feet there and then waits for your turn.  You close the stall door, lock it, pee, wash your hands (hopefully) and move on.  Come on now.

I guess I want to close this by saying that this whole thing seems like it's very demoralizing to transgender people.  You can argue the logistics of transgenderism all you want and agree to disagree with people but this debate over this policy is really hurtful on one side.  I heard it said that "it wasn't about water fountains during segregation and it's not about bathrooms now" and it was summed up so perfectly.  Before you start throwing hateful terminology around and grouping transgender individuals in with perverts, think about what you're saying and how small-minded and ridiculous you sound.  To all the transgender people out there having to listen to this debate and hear the hateful things being spewed from people's mouths, I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this.  Know that there are a whole lot of us that are more educated on transgender/transsexual folks that are fighting to break down the walls of ignorance.

If you AREN'T educated on the topic, here is a good starting point....

Source:
http://www.medicaldaily.com/what-difference-between-transsexual-and-transgender-facebooks-new-version-its-complicated-271389

Parents Who Say Fu**

I was recently told by someone in authority that I speak very eloquently.  I absolutely appreciate the compliment.  In fact, it means more to me than I can possibly say.  I'm told that I use too many "$20 words", which I attribute to working with kids all day long and needing to have that adult interaction. It's something that I am proud of but I don't , often, consider.

Here's why....

My frequent use of profanity.  Let me preface this part by saying that I can absolutely control it.  I can be in a public situation and speak like an adult.  Yes, I understand that there is a theory that profanity shows lack of intelligence (which I find to be ridiculous because I know plenty of brilliant people who say the "f" word on a regular basis).  Yes I understand that there are productive ways to express myself without profanity.  I understand all of the arguments AGAINST use of profanity.  I've heard it all.  I've heard everything from it being a sin to a disgrace as a parent.  Spare me.

So why do I swear?

I swear because sometimes "oh cheese and crackers" just doesn't cut it.  Sometimes just mumbling the phrase "oh for fu**'s sake" is a great tension breaker.  When I'm watching a football game, sometimes "what the fu** was THAT"  is the best possible phrase to describe how I'm feeling.  Sometimes it's a noun and sometimes it's an adjective.  Occasionally, it's even a verb.  The fact is that these words are fluid and sometimes they are the best word to sum up what I need to say.

"But your kids are going to swear too."

This argument is hysterical to me.  1- They hear me say it and know that it's an "adult" word and when they're adults, they can choose to use it or not.  2- There are some things that kids need to realize are not appropriate for them because they're kids.  It's a clearly defined line, thank you very much. 3- If you think for a heartbeat of a second that your teenager isn't swearing behind your back anyway, you're crazy.  Believe me, they're doing it.  In fact, your younger kids might be doing it too.  Realistically, if they are practicing restraint, they clearly understand the general rules of profanity in public anyway.

"But you're such a pretty girl, why do you need to have such a filthy mouth?"

Are you kidding me?  I've seen some absolutely stunning women who have the intelligence of an apricot pit.  I'd much sooner hear the "f" word coming out of a pretty girl's mouth than have her give an uninformed, unintelligent commentary on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."

"But those words are offensive."

Offensive to whom?  Why is everyone so offended by everything nowadays?  I think there are words that are far more offensive than any profane word that I use.  The use of the word "retard" would be a great example of a FAR more offensive word (yes, retarded can mean slow as in "my computer's fan seems to be retarded but most people aren't using it in that fashion).  Any racial or homophobic slur is the same way.  These words are far more offensive.  I suppose that the context is key.  Either way, something being offensive is pretty commonplace these days.

The point of all of this is that there are plenty of great parents in this world that use profanity on a daily basis and their kids are honor students (as in my case), don't swear and are well-rounded, polite children.  Don't jump to a conclusion about my use of the "f "word and I won't jump to a conclusion about your lack thereof.

Sports Parents

I am absolutely fascinated by documentaries on sports parents.  I'm not talking about the supportive moms and dads that come to every game and cheer on the team.  I'm talking about the obsessive parents that put their kids in weight training at a young age to bulk them up for football in their college years.  I'm talking about the obsessive parents that make their kids eat, sleep, and dream their activity in hopes they'll get a scholarship later on in life.  I'm talking about the obsessive parents that leave a room and have their kid tell anyone that will listen that they just want to hang out with their friends for awhile instead of practicing from dawn to dusk.  It's incredibly fascinating to me.

So here's the thing.... I commend these parents on encouraging their child and being so involved in their lives.  Anymore, there are a whole lot of people who are too concerned with other shit to even CARE about their kids.  I commend these parents on wanting greatness for their child.  I commend them to doing whatever it takes to make their children's future "better."  There are many things that I think are great about these parents and I don't want to completely vilify them.

BUT.....

It borders on ridiculous.  Seriously.

In their younger years, kids benefit far more from real life experiences than they do being shoved into non-stop sports training.  They benefit from playing, building, and learning.  They benefit from being able to enjoy and learn about sports from a fun perspective. They benefit more from learning how to be part of a team than they do from training for a future college scholarship.  Statistically speaking, you will burn a kid out WAY faster starting them young and running them non stop than you will to put your foot down and let them be a kid for a little while.

The excuse "but they love it and I'm just encouraging them" comes up pretty often.  Let me let you in on a little secret: kids don't have the brain capacity to see the long term results of their decisions.  Your five year old may love baseball but when you find ways to "train" them year round, you will burn them out way faster.  If your child truly is the "natural" you claim they are, their natural abilities will be there if you take a break and let them be a kid for awhile.  Kids can't see that training so hard at a young age can destroy their bodies in the long run.  Kids can't understand that life is going to offer them plenty of opportunity to do what they love without having to crunch it all in now.

"Well if they say they want to stop, we'll stop."  I hear this a lot too but it doesn't really turn out to be true.  Truly obsessed parents won't let them stop.  They'll bribe them.  They'll pressure them.  They'll continue to push them even when they are done.  They'll stop listening because it doesn't fit their mold.

"But they can get a scholarship."  They can.  They truly can.  Like I said, I admire those that encourage their kids.  It's rare, though, to know if your four year old will get a scholarship in college.  Pushing them so young can actually prohibit them from getting a scholarship because they're more likely to end up with career ending injuries before they've even had a chance to have a real career.

Like everything else in life, sports and activities are about balance.  So encourage your kids in a healthy way.  Don't be the parent screaming obscenities from the sidelines.  Don't be the parent yelling at the refs every...single....game.  Don't be the parent that shames your kid after a bad game. Maybe if we spend less time pushing, pushing, pushing to the brink of madness and spend more time teaching them how to be part of a team and what a healthy balance is, we will have a healthier generation of athletes down the line.

Proud Mama Moment

My boy plays all-out, even in warm ups! :)

Prince

Unless you've been under a rock, you know that Prince (a musical icon) has passed away.  Having been a fan of his music since my childhood, it was a devastating loss. In fact, it was a devastating loss to millions of fans (as well as his friends and family).  It has only been since his death that I've truly learned what an incredible man he was, though.  I had always known the songs he wrote for other artists and that he could play all of the instruments but I had no idea just how incredible his talent is. 

1.  Prince wrote his first song when he was seven years old.

2.  Prince recorded every single instrument on his albums.  

3. Prince played guitar on Madonna's "Like a Prayer" (though he wasn't credited)

4.  There is a story that Prince was on an airplane flying first class and the Bangles (unknown at the time) snuck up to meet him.  He wrote lyrics on a napkin and later sent them the chords...the song was "Manic Monday"

5.  Prince was self taught on EVERY instrument.

There are so many other amazing facts about this man.  He was a philanthropist and an incredible musical genius.  His memory will live on in the hearts of all of his fans.

Now that I've said that, I need to say this..... Please, please, please stop the speculation and ugliness. There is already speculation of drug overdose and such.  There are rumors of all sorts of things that there is no actual evidence to back up and there won't be a final answer on what caused his death for weeks.  Being epileptic, there could have been something there.  He was on prescription drugs but also had the flu and treatments could have counter-acted.  What I'm trying to say is that you don't have to assume the worst.  Wait until the results come in.

I'd also like to say that we need to respect his privacy.  Yes, I realize he's deceased.  What I also realize is that he was a VERY private man in his life.  His death should be allowed to be just as private.  Legend or not.  Instead, how about everyone just surround themselves with his music and be thankful for the years we had of his incredible composition.

Things I Wish I'd Have Known In My 20's

I was having a discussion yesterday on things that change as adults and we were saying, "Why didn't someone tell us this stuff?"  The truth is that someone probably did and, in our 20 year old I know everything fog, we probably ignored them.  The truth is that our parents probably told us to beware, be careful and a million other phrases to show that they cared and we probably blew them off because, "duh, they're old...what do they know?"  So here are some of the things I wish I'd have known in my teens and twenties:

Friends will go their own way.  I know it's hard to believe but a good portion of your friends will disappear.  They'll just up and disappear.  It's sad and, frankly, changes the way you look at everything.  The good news is that you will likely have some that will stick around for life.  The bad news is that your entire outlook on friendship will change until the end of time and it's, often, a hard transition.

"Playing house" is only fun for a month or two.  You get all independent and bold and say, "I'm moving out."  If you're a truly prepared youngter, you've run the numbers for what it will cost for your bills and you know that you're on top of things.  You're prepared.  You're not like all the other kids.....until you are.  Something comes up and you're sent stumbling again.  It's fun for a little while until your life goes topsy turvy.  That's when you tell whether you're ready to make it on your own yet or not.

Menopause sucks so don't bitch about your period  I haven't even gotten into the total package but have started experiencing symptoms of perimenopause (due to a hysterectomy) and, believe me, it's awful.  Take your couple of days a month of discomfort and blah to constant hot flashes, mood swings, and a million other crap symptoms.  It's like puberty in a sauna....everything awful you hated about those years comes back, only now you're doing it inside an incinerator.

Saying "never" about kids' behavior is asking for it in your future children  Go ahead....test it.  Keep saying, "Well my kid will NEVER do that."  We will all stand here and grin when it's your child's most dominant quality.  God has a funny sense of humor.

Taxes suck  They really, truly do.  You work your ass off and your paycheck disappears to taxes, social security and other things.  Granted, if you claim "0" you get back a lump sum (most of the time) in the spring but it still sucks watching your money wave buh-bye during the rest of the year.

Your body will change  Whether you have kids or you don't have kids, it will change.  If you have kids, it'll change sooner.  People spend millions of dollars every year trying to change their bodies back to what they looked  like in their 20's....they're fooling no one.  Enjoy your body in your 20's because your 30's and beyond change everything.

You will never have a more free time (if you don't have kids) than now  As you age, responsibilities pile on.  You will never have a more free time (assuming you don't have kids) than you have now.  Enjoy!  It doesn't mean you have to be crazy...just enjoy the ability to go do something on a whim.

You will feel EVERYTHING you do in your 20s in your 30s.  Now here's where I'm lucky.  I had a mellow 20's (because I had kids...and because I'm rather boring in that way).  Some of my nearest and dearest didn't....and now they reep the effects.  The negative things you didn't think affected your body will pop back up soon.  It's crazy but true.

The concept of your inability to recover as quickly in your 30s and beyond is totally true  Your body chemistry changes.  Your ability to recover from physical activity or, in the case of people who drink themselves into stupor, hangover is greatly reduced.  It takes longer and you feel it more.  It sucks.

There are many more things but this is a starter.  Take it with a grain of salt if you don't believe me but you will think back on reading this and say, "Ugh, she was right."  Life doesn't get any easier....enjoy your 20s.

Thank a Kindergarten Teacher

Today was a designated day to thank a kindergarten teacher (though, truth be told, all teachers need to be thanked).  Today's post, though, is a little reminder of how big of a task kindergarten teachers really have.  Their role has changed so much from when we were kids and it, definitely, hasn't gotten any easier!

Even kids that attend preschool feel the change when they enter kindergarten.  Not only are they, in many cases, dealing with a pretty abrupt change in schedule for the day but they're also dealing with a whole new environment.  They are the youngest kids in the school and they are watching a sea of older children mill around them.  It's a very scary thing for a whole lot of children and it can be very overwhelming.  Enter the Kindergarten Teacher that helps them adjust.  She (and we're just using a female pronoun since my kindergarten teacher happened to be a woman) helps you learn the ropes of elementary school.  She helps you learn where to put your coat and backpack.  She helps you learn how to buy a hot lunch.  She helps you learn how to get on the bus at the end of the day.

On top of all of these tasks, she is teaching you to read.  Good kindergarten teachers (like mine) are not just teaching you HOW to read but to LOVE to read.  It's no small task!  They're finding things that are interesting to each child and how to best encourage them to read.  They're spotting the challenges in the kids that have them and they're helping the parents to understand these as well.

Add on that they're teaching ALL of the other things teachers teach.  They're helping you learn neat, effective handwriting.  They're teaching you math and even science and some social studies.  They're teaching you sight words.  There are a million things that these teachers manage to cram into a single year and they do it with pizzazz!  Meanwhile, they are trying to make sure that each child's needs are met and that the parents are getting info on how to help them at home as well.

Additionally, they are dealing with the parents.  Some of them are encouraging and want to help.  Some of them are sassy and think they're child needs this or that.  All things considered, these teachers are dealing with a whole mess of parents who are not all pleasant and helpful!  They are rock stars!

And just like that, the school year is over and these kids are moving on....except now, they know how to go through a normal school day.  They know how to read and write.  They know how to work well with others.  They know sight words.  They're ahead of the game and it's all because of great kindergarten teachers (well, of course parents contribute too!)  Hug a kindergarten teacher today and know that they are a major milestone in your child's development!

Mom Bod

It cracks me up that the same men that talk about wanting a woman to not wear makeup because "I like you better au natural" are staring at fake breasts, botoxed lips and lipo suctioned thighs.  Let's be realistic...unless you have a personal trainer or a real dedication to having to have some perfect body, you are not likely to end up with the same body post-children that you have pre-children.  Realistically, I don't think we SHOULD have the same body.  We are made to be moms after we have kids.  We get broader hips to sit a toddler on.  We get saggier boobs to make a flatter surface to lay a restless baby on.  Our bodies will change. Embrace it.

Look, I'm not happy about stretch marks but they're part of who I am.  They mean that I held a baby in my body and kept that baby safe for a nice long time.  They mean that a baby was nourished to a healthy weight inside of my uterus.  Stretch marks definitely don't just come from pregnancy, either.  I know people that had them just from puberty alone!

The point is that we shouldn't be shamed about our bodies changing after we have babies.  Instead of clicking on some article on how celebrity mom A got back her body in six weeks by eating nothing but wheat grass, kale and air, focus on how you're nourishing your baby naturally.  Instead of worrying about looking like some nipped and tucked mom star that has a personal trainer, just enjoy taking care of your baby and you.  Don't allow yourself to be shamed by others for doing what Mother Nature has designed your body to do!

I am a proud mom of four kids.  Yes, I have saggy boobs.  Yes I have a big butt and hips.  Yes, I have a little bit of marshmallow fluff in my abdomen that situps just won't take away.  Yes I have stretch marks and undereye circles.  Guess what?  I'm okay with that.  Embrace the body your children gave you and know that you are absolutely beautiful just as you are!

"Nobody Kicks my Dog but Me"

There was this phrase that my dad used to use to describe my sister and I.... "Nobody kicks my dog but me."  It sounds a little rough around the edges but it was a perfect description.  You see, my sister was a whole lot bigger than me.  She was tall and larger framed.  I was very petite and extremely thin. She was quite a violent "babysitter" with me and I was often left with lumps and bruises that she would inflict due to frustration.  I don't hold a grudge for the things that she did.  Sometimes I would antagonize her.  Other times she did it due to frustration at other people.  Regardless, it happened.  The point is not to pick at her...the point is that she may have been violent but she absolutely did NOT tolerate anyone else talking ugly to me, acting ugly to me and certainly not putting their hands on me.  Ever.  The irony is that she was quite protective of me for many, many years.  You see nobody kicked her dog but her (so to speak).

This often describes, albeit it in a very coarse way, how we feel about family and close friends.  If you're like me, you're brutally honest with people.  I, personally, try to be tactful but I am not shy about telling someone to shut their mouths.  I am not shy about telling someone my opinion, though I know when to shut my mouth....most of the time.  I am quick to make certain that my children are respectful and be quite firm in the fact that you respect your elders, period.  I am a parent that expects for my children's friends' parents to let me know if they are misbehaving or being rude (thankfully it isn't a problem because they know better.)  I am also quick to let my closest friends' children know if they are being turds.... we have that kind of relationship.  I know them well enough to do this without skipping a beat (and expect my friends to do the same with my kids).

Ironically enough, I am also quick to jump at anyone who thinks they can step in without knowing these children well.  Recently, I had a situation where a friend's child was being a bit of a turd.  I told him to knock it off and he seemed to.  Then someone else (who DOESN'T know him as well) stepped in and tore into him....and then proceeded to lecture his mom.  Realistically, the other person had a right to voice their opinion.  However, my back was up right away...."don't pick on him.  You don't know.  All you're seeing is how he behaved in that moment.  You're not seeing how he is the rest of the time.  You can't judge him based on that!"  It was quite difficult to hold my tongue.

Sometimes it's easy to forget how good someone's heart truly is.  Remember, when you're picking at someone that you might be asking for it from their nearest and dearest.  Don't be surprised when they fire back when you nose in where you don't belong.

**Side note:  Obviously no dogs were kicked in this, or any post.  This is simply an old phrase.  I don't advocate any sort of kicking to any person or animal.

The "Boogers and Boobies" Theory

There are some things in life that are just under the category of "all kids do it."  You cringe when your kid starts it but you know that it's a reality that every kid does it at least once.  I call this the "boogers and boobies" theory.  Allow me to explain....

As much as insecure parents will try to tell you otherwise, every kid throws a temper tantrum at least one time.  For parents that are concerned about what others think, they will deny, deny, deny.  "No way.  I talk to my little Susie.  She's NEVER thrown a tantrum."  Liar.  She has.  She probably throws them frequently if you feel the need to hide it.  Tantrums fall under the "boogers and boobies" theory.

Every kid picks their nose.  Some are more into it than others.  Some are wipers and some are eaters.  Rest assured that as grossed out as you are about your kid's affinity for nose mining, every kid does it.  Nose picking falls under the "boogers and boobies" theory.

Every kid grabs another mom's boob at least once.  Usually this is a toddler thing but people get far more embarrassed over it than they should.  If it's your 12 year old doing it, you can get a red face.  If your 2 year old pulls down Auntie Julie's shirt, get over it.  Booby grabbing falls under the "Boogers and boobies" theory.

Every kid runs naked through the house.  Yup, every kid does it at least a few times.  Some kids do it longer than others.  Let's be frank, though...adults like to do this too sometimes.  The worst is when you  have guests and your four year old decides to streak through the house like a deranged trench coat wearing freak.  Nevertheless, it's normal.  Running naked through the house falls under the "Boogers and Boobies" theory.

Every kid tells his parents they're "unfair."  Some teenagers are prone to saying it at least fourteen or fifteen times daily.  It's often accompanied by a stomp, eye roll or loud sigh.  It's completely normal (and, in fact, it often means you're doing your job well) and falls under the "Boogers and Boobies" theory.

The point of this post is to remind you that your kids are human.  They may be doing things that seem embarrassing or frustrating to you but they are doing things that are completely normal.  Take a deep breath, straighten up and walk proud.  Some things are just about "boogers and boobies."

Time Out

When babies are small, it's actually really helpful for them to have short periods of time to themselves.  When they're fed, clean, and sleepy (though not quite asleep), it can help them fall asleep on their own.  It's often when they begin to find their voices by cooing and such.

As they get older, it's helpful for them to have time to themselves to learn to be independent. Again, not extra long periods of time.... short periods to learn to play on their own.  It's often when they learn to crawl because there's no pressure.  It's a good thing.

Toddlers often need "time outs" as time to take a moment away and be able to function in a less high-stress moment.  If they're stressed over not being able to do something on their own, that time out can give them a moment to relax before trying again.   If they're frustrated at having to share, that time out can give them a moment to relax and regroup.

As kids get into school age, they often begin to need that independent "play" time to take a break from school stress.  While they love being with their friends, they need that time to relax and regroup.  It's important in their stress management and you can definitely tell the difference in kids that are rushed too much and don't get this time.

As teenagers, the independent time becomes more plentiful.  They don't want to be around people.  They just want to be locked in their rooms acting a fool....and that's okay.  That "time out" is important to them developmentally, as long as they're balancing it out.

As adults, especially as parents, we tend to shove "time outs" aside.  We tend to think that it is unimportant and unacceptable.  We have too much to accomplish.  We have to put our kids first...and yes, that's totally true.  However, time outs are still a necessary part of life.  Maybe it's to do a workout.  Maybe it's ten minutes to read the paper and drink coffee before the kids get up.  Maybe it's something else.  The point is that it's important to take that time to yourself .  It's still just as important to your sanity and development now.  In fact, it might be even more so.

Time outs may change with age but they are always a necessary part of life.  Are you taking enough moments?

Moving Humor

I was helping a friend move this weekend and decided that she needed a little humor as she unpacked. It's a good thing she appreciates my humor and knows my handwriting.

The 5 Shoppers You See at Dollar Tree

The Dollar Tree is a magical place for those of us on a budget.  Unlike other dollar stores, everything is $1.00 (or less) from boxes of cereal to bottles of shampoo and everything in between.  You go in for one thing and you come out with ten.  It's the only place I buy my greeting cards (super cute ones 2/$1.00...can't beat that) unless I'm in a pinch. I can stuff a gift basket wicked cheap.  I can stock up on candy for a slumber party super cheap.  No coupons needed.

Every time I'm at Dollar Tree, my favorite part is observing.  There are 5 types of people I see almost every single time......

The Pinterest Shopper  This is the MacGyver of the Dollar Tree.  They can take a roll of duct tape, some tissue paper, a clearance Christmas box and some toothpicks and make a beautiful creation worthy of immense Etsy profits.  I admire these shoppers for their creativity and skill.  You'll know them by their thoughtful gaze and the occasional "aha" moment when they think of something even better than they'd planned.

The I-Just-Need-One-Thing Shopper  You'll know this shopper by their averted eyes. They know that if they look up, they'll squash their plan to escape having only spent $1.04.  They move quickly and have a direct path, no matter how crowded, to their destination.  If the lines are long, they will often just leave the store.

The Budget Shopper  These are usually moms like me or something of the like.  We are in there stuffing our carts with necessities.  We don't just get a basket...we need a cart.  You will be able to tell them by the list in their hand or the large quantities of grocery products in their cart.  I admire these people for their effort at saving money.  They can stick to their list of what they need and don't meander around the store aimlessly.

The I-Came-In-For-One-Thing-And-Left_with-Twenty-Seven  This is me, way too often.  You'll be able to tell this shopper by the exasperated look on their face as they count and recount the items in their overstuffed basket.    They probably didn't even have the basket until there was just too much in their hands to hold anymore.  You can see them second guessing themselves but they will, ultimately, make the purchase.

The Dollar Tree Clearance Shopper  Did you know they have a clearance bin?  Yup, they do.  It's after-holiday marketing mostly but there is always someone clearing it out.  They would, often, do better to just pick up the whole bin and take it to the clerk instead of bothering with a basket.  Their house is always incredibly decorated for every holiday because they use every ounce of what they buy.

Of course there are more shoppers but these are my favorites.  Maybe it's a subconscious understanding that I have been each of these shoppers at least one time. Happy Friday!

Teachers, Common Core and the Basics

I saw a study on the news this morning that says that well rounded students are becoming a thing of the past.  Why?  Because we don't spend enough time on teaching them science, social studies and THE ARTS!  We are teaching to the test.  Here are my thoughts....

First of all, I love that we are trying to "improve" the system.  I think that the intent is great; however the execution is awful.  Why are we trying so hard to do away with the arts instead of just improving on how things are taught?  Why are we so convinced that we aren't keeping up with these other countries instead of focusing on how our kids may excel in other areas?  Many, many great minds have come out of the "old" system of teaching.  Instead of trying to revamp the whole system and letting a bunch of suits come up with the ideas, why not talk to the teachers who have been doing this for years and years?  Why are we not involving THEM more in the process?

My feeling is that we SHOULD be focusing on the basics.  It's great to teach kids different methods of solving a math problem but it will be even easier if they knew the basics first.  If a child knows what 5+7 is without having to count, it's so much easier.  If they know their times tables, it makes their subsequent math so much easier.  Why are we taking the focus off of these things and trying so hard to make them compete to some test that most teachers will tell you is ridiculous?  Why are we not continuing things like spelling, handwriting, and grammar being taught longer?  Because of spell check?  Dream on.  We should be getting back to the basics.  It doesn't mean we can't improve on our methods; evolving our methods is the key to improving.  However, evolution doesn't mean complete eradication of the former teachings.

Why have we eliminated cursive?  Cursive writing not only allows you to have a signature of your own but also uses a part of your brain you wouldn't otherwise use.  You don't have to have perfect cursive writing or even use it frequently for it to be something that is helpful to know.  Penmanship, in general, seems to be thrown to the wayside anymore.  Well, we type.  So what?

Why are we encouraging calculators so much?  This drives me bonkers!

Why in the world are we not teaching a more complete social studies and science course?

Why are we cutting out recess and shortening lunches to the point that kids are being rush, rush, rushed into choking down their food?

So many questions that don't seem to have any answer except "we need to be prepared for the standardized test."  We are cutting off our teachers at the knees (figuratively speaking) by not allowing them to use their creativity to teach THEIR way.  We are undermining their authority at every turn when they should be the ones we should be asking.  So how does this girl think we resolve this?....

Ask the teachers!  Get rid of common core.  Get rid of the billion tests a year.  Give the teachers great pay and initiatives to want to teach.  Change the rules of the tenure process so that if a teacher isn't doing their job, they can be disciplined/fired BUT understand that most teachers ARE doing amazing, even if these stupid tests aren't showing it.  Stop thinking that some bubble test can show a child's intelligence level and start letting the teachers assess who is doing well and who needs help.  Get more teachers in the classroom so that if these 5 kids don't understand this math method, they can be pulled aside and taught a different way while the other kids are reinforcing the original method (so they don't confused).  Teach the basics and get history, science and the arts back in school.  Give the kids a longer lunch and more time outside.

How else can we help?  Revamp school boards and PTA's.  Stop letting a few families control these associations just because they have the time.  In the age of social media and technology, we have the ability to include everyone that wants to be included in these organizations.  The more parent involvement, the better off the school is.  This is all about the kids.  We should all be working together to achieve a common goal, which is to teach our kids to be healthy, intelligent, well-rounded individuals that will be productive adults!

There's a whole lot of work ahead but it can be achieved.  To the past, current and future teachers, THANK YOU.  You make an enormous difference in our children's lives.

Fur Babies vs Real Babies

Okay, I confess...... I talk to my pets.  I talk to other people's pets.  I talk to random animals in the park. No, I'm not crazy.  I'm just a sucker for a fur baby....or a scale baby....or occasionally a feather baby.  I believe that you should treat your pets like members of the family.  I'm not suggesting dressing them in little Halloween costumes or having birthday parties for them because, well, I just can't get past the fact that it's still an animal. (It doesn't make me love them any less, I just accept what they are). I am, however, happy to spoil them rotten and tell anyone that will listen about my "babies."  I know I'm not even close to the only one out there like this.  For this reason, I present a post on how having a fur baby is like having a toddler.

No concept of personal space  Fur babies have no concept of personal space.  They will walk right over your keyboard, lay on your head, and sit right between your feet as you're trying to cook.  They're not trying to irritate you.  They just love you.  Just like a toddler, they want to have all of your attention.

No concept of privacy  My fur babies don't just follow me into the bathroom; one of them actually gets in the shower with me.  Just as you get no privacy with a toddler, you get absolutely no privacy with fur babies because they are curious and....they love you.

No concept of weekends  Finally, it's Saturday and I don't have to get up early.  Guess again.  Your pup needs to go out.  Your cat has decided that he HAS to eat RIGHT NOW at 5 A.M. Just like toddlers, fur babies have no concept of when you have days off.

Curious, curious, curious.  They want to know what you're doing.  They want to know what you're eating.  They want to know what you have in your hand.  Fur babies are, quite possibly, even more curious than toddlers.  They always want to know what's going on.

Getting into everything.  They're up on the counter.  They're in the trash.  They're climbing into the box you're trying to pack to mail to Grandma.  They're into everything, just like a toddler.

Just when you think you're at wits end in frustration, they win you over all over again  The puppy got into the trash can and dragged it everywhere.  While you're cleaning it up, he chews apart a pillow.  While you're cleaning THAT up, he pees on the floor.  You're ready to crack and then he comes over and rests his head on your hand and looks up at you and you're smitten again.  Just like a toddler, they can reel you in all over again every time.

So the next time you roll your eyes at someone posting their 15th photo that day of their fur babies, remember that they're more like children than you'd like to think.  

Adult Tattle Tales

There is a picture re-surfacing of a PacSun store.  The picture discusses a shirt that was released last year with an upside down flag.  There was a huge hubbub and the shirt was taken off the shelves and an apology given by the company.  The post going around discusses how the person will never shop at the store again because of disrespect to the country.  It got me thinking.....

Okay, first of all, let me say the following, in the interest of full disclosure: 1) An upside down flag is a sign of distress. Not sure it qualifies as disrespect.  It was definitely not a wise marketing choice, in my opinion. 2) I've literally NEVER shopped in a Pac Sun

This brings me to the true topic of this post: Freedom.

Our Constitution was founded on creating freedom.  This freedom applies to all citizens of this country.  We have freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom of religion and so much more. This opens so many doors for so many people.  This also provides freedom for companies.  Now here's the thing... stores have the right to make these products.  Are they something I'd purchase?  Nope.  Are they something I'd recommend? Nope.  Does that mean that I should squash someone else's freedom to do those things?  Absolutely not.  You see, just because I don't like or agree with something doesn't mean that it shouldn't be allowed to exist.

By that same token, you have a right to not shop at a store.  You have a right to give bad reviews of a store.  You have the right to tell every friend you know about that store and how you hate it.  You have the right to be angry.  All of these things are provided to you because of men that fought for your freedom (and continue to do so).

What we should NOT be doing is asking the government to get involved?  Why?  Because every time you get the government involved in something that can be handled by simply making another choice, we not only create a bigger government that sticks its nose in everything, but we also stretch them very thin too.  Imagine a kindergarten classroom: there are 25 kids in the class and the class has classroom rules.  Johnny gets mad that Susie took the red crayon so he gets the teacher who has to get involved.  While that's going on Billy asks Sally to play hopscotch but she doesn't want to play so the teacher asks them to wait a moment and she'll help them with their problem. Simultaneously, Molly realizes that Becky has a shirt on that is pink with hearts and she hates hearts so she needs the teacher to help.  The teacher is now stretched so thin that she can't do the job she is supposed to do.  All of these things could have been solved by making a different decision but involving the teacher seems like an easy fix.  Let someone else fix it for you, right?  That's what we do when we create a bigger government.  We look for an easy fix.

This keeps happening everywhere in our country.  A baker refuses to bake a cake for a gay couple.  Instead of going to a different baker and putting a bad review on Yelp, they sue him.  They get the government involved in something that could have been resolved without it.  A store has a label that says "boy toys" on an aisle.  Instead of just ignoring the sign, they're sued.  There are frivolous lawsuits filed daily over things that could easily have been resolved by simply making another choice.  It doesn't mean you can't give a bad review or even peacefully protest.  However, getting the government involved just mucks things up.  We complain about how inept the government is, yet we are demanding more and more out of them.

Look, this goes further than Democrat or Republican.  This goes further than Liberal or Conservative.  This is about personal responsibility.  Stop tattling over every little thing and be an adult! You want to change something? Great! Write a letter or email.  Give a bad review...or, on the other end, a great review! If it's not hurting your or someone else (and I don't mean hurting your feelings because...seriously), move on and stop being a bunch of whiny fussy pants that complain about everything .  Stop trying to get the teacher involved when you could just use the blue crayon instead.

Immunity to Wanting Another Newborn

I held a newborn baby boy this weekend that was absolutely adorable. He is the third in the family and he is a little snuggle bug.  He has a little perfectly formed pout and and the most perfect little hands and teeny tiny toes.  He's an angel.  Eleven years ago, that would have made my uterus skip a beat.  I would have taking in his newborn scent and longed for when my little ones were that small.  I would have marveled at his tiny fingers and toes and thought of when mine were tiny.  And then I had my fourth child.....

Ironically enough, my youngest was a very easy baby.  The problem is that she was the fourth child born in just over five years.  My body was screaming, "For the love of God, woman!  Can I please just get a break!?!"  The last two of my kids were only seventeen months apart.  My sanity was hanging by a thread and I was absolutely exhausted.  I love my kids and I have loved them every single day but, man, is motherhood exhausting.  It's particularly exhausting when you have that many that quickly. (and no, I'm not looking for sympathy.  Yes, I DO know how pregnancy happens.  I'm just being brutally honest).

The great news is that I got through all the diapers at once.  I got through the terrible two's in very quick succession.  My kids are incredibly close and can just hang out and giggle (especially the youngest two).  I will still be quite young when my youngest heads off to college and I am very grateful for these and a million other fantastic things.

I also received my immunization.  Which one?  The one that makes you take in that newborn scent and want another one.  I'm completely immune.  Now, instead of having to reason with my uterus every time I hold a newborn and wishing my kids were that young, I can fully embrace their older ages and independence.  I don't desire to have another baby at all.   I love the chaos of my four (and usually extra kids over) but love that I can tell them to clean up their mess.  I love holding the sweet little babies and then giving them back.  It's a beautiful thing.

"How do I get that immunization?"  I wish I could answer that.  For me, it was just time.  It was God's way of saying, "You've had enough babies."  Some moms get there after two and some get there after eight.  Some moms never develop this immunity and end up having procedures done to prevent any further pregnancies, which they usually regret on the regular.  Some moms decide to have more babies when their kids are teenagers, or even when they're out of the house.  I can't answer HOW you get the immunity.  I just know that it truly does happen.

So if you're reasoning with your uterus every time you have a newborn, hold out hope.  Remember 18-life...keep your focus 

Autism Awareness Day 10: Embrace the Wonderful

I'm wrapping up my Autism Awareness series with a post about embracing the wonderful.  I don't want to undermine the fact that there are tremendous challenges that come with autism.  However, I want to encourage embracing the positives, because that is my nature.  Every child has the most extraordinary gifts waiting to be uncovered.  You may have an incredible artist or musician.  On the other hand, you may have a child who loves the periodic table and memorizes it as a toddler; that's incredible too!  You may have a child who learns every bone in the body as a child; that's incredible too!  You may have a child who can build the most incredible lego sculptures you have ever seen a child make; that's incredible too!  The point is that it doesn't have to be what you expected in order for it to be an incredible gift.

Embrace it!  Take pictures!  Encourage them to learn more!  Sit with them and observe!  Take time to embrace the wonderful!

You see, in all the hubbub of therapies, schedules and such, the best thing for all of you, sometimes, can just be to see the world through their eyes as they work passionately on whatever it is that they love.  It's a beautiful thing to celebrate each child's unique spirit!

Autism Awareness Day 9: Symptoms

Taken from Autism Awareness website

Autism Awareness Day 8: "Sesame Street" Breaks Down Barriers Again

I cannot say enough good things about "Sesame Street".  As a child I watched it and my children watched it, as well. "Sesame Street" is all about helping kids learn about social situations and learning to love and accept everyone.  Shoot, they even showed acceptance for grouchy people!

Recently, they introduced an initiative called "Sesame Street and Autism: Seeing Amazing in All Children."  They introduced their first character named "Julia" who has autism.  Elmo introduces Julia to Abby Cadabby announcing that Julia does things differently because she has autism.  What a wonderful way to phrase it for young children!  They never cease to amaze me at their delicate handling of sensitive topics.  This will be such a productive way to encourage young kids to understand that doing something differently doesn't mean you're different.  It means that you're unique and wonderful, just like every other kid.

There is a sensitive balance for children that are diagnosed with autism and such.  On one hand, we have to teach children that autistic children might do things differently.  On the other hand, we want to teach them that autistic children are just like everyone else.  How do we accomplish this?  We teach them that EVERY child is a unique being and EVERY child does things in a unique way.  Some are clean and some are messy.  Some like vegetables and some don't.  Some are shy and some are outgoing.  Some are very artistic and some are more athletic.  When children learn that each of them is unique, the differences expressed in autism and other conditions become less apparent.

There is one final thought on this that I'd like to share... Children are not born with an ability to discriminate.  It's taught.  Sometimes it's taught by actual intolerance and sometimes it's just taught by indifference.  Kids are naturally curious and they will ask questions as to why someone is "different" from them.  Don't ignore it and don't shush them.  Explain it much like "Sesame Street" does.... everyone is unique and wonderful.  Answer their questions and educate them.  Don't shame them for curiosity; instead, teach them so they learn to embrace people's differences.

Kudos to "Sesame Street" for breaking down barriers, once again!

Autism Awareness Day 7: Back when we were younger, there was no autism.....

I hear a whole lot of people that have never dealt with autism (or ADHD, for that matter) say things like, "Well when we were younger, there was no autism" or "A good ass whooping would probably knock the autism right out of them."  These are both commonly said by very jack-assy individuals who have no idea what they're talking about.  They are uninformed and ignorant.  Why?  The first documented case of autism was in 1799.  Clearly autism WAS around when we were kids; it just wasn't talked about as much.  There were probably more undiagnosed cases of autism than one can imagine.  For quite some time, only the most severely non-functioning autistic children were diagnosed.  Now, there is more known and we are very concerned with early intervention.  Autism has been around forever.

The second comment is the one that gets under my skin most, though.  Let me paint you a picture: Imagine going to the grocery store, except the music isn't lightly playing in the background...it's blaring.  The lights are strobe lights with some spot lights that keep following you around, just for fun.  Everyone is invading your bubble of personal space.  Everything you touch shocks you.  The colors are all overly bright and painful to your eyes.  Does that sound appealing to you?  Of course not!  Autistic children, and those with sensory processing issues, experience many, if not all, of these symptoms in public places.  It's not just limited to public, though.  It might be a backyard picnic or just getting dressed in the morning. Over-stimulation is everywhere that they turn.

With over-stimulation comes outbursts and meltdowns.  Believe me, these children (and adults) do not CHOOSE to have a meltdown.  In fact, they will go through every therapeutic step they can to prevent it.  They don't want to have a meltdown.  They are counting backwards, taking deep breaths and doing everything else that they can to occupy their brain and distract them from the over stimulation.  Sometimes it works.  Other times, it just doesn't come close.....not....even....close.

The misnomer that you can "whoop" the autism out of a child is ridiculous.  You can no more whoop autism out than whoop the diabetes out of a child or whoop the vision deficiencies out of a child.  In my experience, parents of children affected by autism are some of the most involved and aware parents.  They do their best to avoid situations that will over stimulate their child but it's a delicate balance.  They need to, also, involve their child in real life situations to help them learn to cope.  My experiences have been that the children are some of the most bright, sensitive, kind children you'd ever meet.  They are not in need of a "whooping."  They are in need of a little bit of compassion.  Their parents might be in need of a little bit of empathy.

Let me tell you what WOULD happen if you whoop an autistic child during a meltdown.  You'd create a bigger meltdown.  You see, these meltdowns are not temper tantrums.  The child is struggling to gain control over their very over-stimulated brain.  The parents' goal is to talk them down....to help them stop cycling.  Spanking them takes an overstimulated brain and adds even more over stimulation. Most children do not even want to be touched when they're experiencing a meltdown...striking them would do nothing but harm.  Striking them would be even more confusing, upsetting and (in my opinion) harmful to their well-being.  You can't "whoop" the autism out of a child.

If you want to help, the best thing you can do is educate yourself.  Spread awareness.  Let's get more funding to get more research.  The more research done, the more we know and the more we can help these children.  If you want to "whoop" something, "whoop" the myths with knowledge about this condition.  Be an encouragement and know that these kids (and their parents) are doing their absolute best, just like every other kid out there.

Autism Day 6: Albert Einstein

Did you know that it is widely speculated that Albert Einstein, Andy Warhol, Isaac Newton and Bill Gates are all on the autism spectrum? (according to we-care.com blog)  What about Mozart? How about Dan Akroyd, Tim Burton, Daryl Hannah or Courtney Love?  Amazed yet?

There is such a stigma attached to the autism spectrum.  People assume that you can spot people on the autism spectrum like you spot a birthmark.  They are unaware that there are many notable people from celebrities to scientists to composers to artists and beyond that are all part of the autism spectrum.  In my opinion, there are many, many more who never underwent a diagnosis but are equally notable and are on the spectrum.

Einstein, in particular, is a fascinating person to me.  His teachers, as a child, told his parents that he'd never go anywhere in life and that he was "dumb".  He spoke slowly and was considered "slow." As an adult, he was known for having an awful memory and couldn't remember names, phone numbers and such.  He hated wearing socks (strange but true).  In his autopsy, it was found that he had a parietal lobe 15% larger than the average brain.  Even to the last hours before his death, he was still trying to prove his theory of everything.

Did you know that Einstein's biggest breakthroughs came from experiments that he did in his head rather than in a lab?

Now ponder on the fact that he was thought to be on the autism spectrum?  How are you feeling about your child's potential now?  How are you feeling about the fact that autism raises some red flag that people can spot from a mile away?

The fact is that children on the spectrum have unlimited possibilities!  Keep on keeping on.  Your little man might be the next Albert Einstein!

Autism Awareness Day 5: Gifted

There are staggering statistics on how many gifted children display symptoms of autism or other similar conditions (like sensory processing disorder).  Unfortunately, there are way too many people that assume the exact opposite.  The assumption that children facing these challenges are "dumb" has spread like wildfire and I can't understand it, personally.  The truth of the matter is that these children are truly brilliant.  While they may "suffer" developmental delays in some areas such as riding a bike or learning to write neatly, they make up for it in spades in other areas.  Some are brilliant musically or artistically.  Some are brilliant in math or can remember the periodic table at two or three years old.  I use the word "brilliant", in this case, because it completely and totally applies.

So what's the secret to bringing out the amazing talents within an autistic child?  It's all about the people around him.  Skilled teachers understand that autistic children have brains that operate on a different level.  They are experienced in helping to bring out the best in every child including children with challenges.  Does that mean an expensive private school?  In some cases and for some children, yes.  For others, though, it might just mean finding a school with teachers who are willing and able (meaning their classrooms are not too full to function) to work with your child one on one.

The point of all of this is to take a second look.  If you are the parent of a child with a challenge such as autism, look deeper because there is something incredible underneath all of this.  If you are observing an autistic child, watch....there is something brilliant about to pop out.  Believe me when I say that there are incredible blessings in the heart of each and every child facing these challenges and they are going to accomplish great things!

Autism Awareness Day 4: It's Okay to Say No

While this post, in some senses, applies to all moms, I truly believe it needs to be said....

As parents, we often feel the need to say "yes" to people even when we're exhausted or over-exerted. We know that Grandma wants to see the baby so we keep the baby up longer than we should to see her, resulting in an exhausted, overtired baby which results in an exhausted, overtired mama.  We know that an out-of-town friend is bringing her kids into town to see us so we keep our little man awake through his nap to see her, resulting in an exhausted, overtired son (and mama).  We know that the people around us love our kids and want to share in their lives with us so we often will make concessions, even when we're absolutely at the end of our rope exhausted.

With special needs parents, it can often be worse.

Maybe your daughter has difficulty with noisy crowds but your family wants the whole crew there to go to the county fair.  Maybe your son has difficulty with overwhelming heat but your friends want all of you to go to Florida in June for a group vacation.  Maybe your little man has a hard time with clothes rubbing him the wrong way but Grandma is insisting on a fancy dinner at a restaurant with a dress code.  Often, people don't realize that what seems very easy-breezy and normal for one family can be an ordeal for a special needs family.

Yes, there are some things that can be handled with advanced preparation.  Yes, it is absolutely essential to attempt to give your child new experiences as they progress to allow them to learn to adapt to the things that stress them.  There are many, many arguments for this side and they are all true....to an extent.  Just because you should give your child new experiences doesn't mean that you should force it upon them when they aren't even close to ready.  Just because you could prepare in advance for some situations doesn't mean that it should be expected all of the time.

IT'S OKAY TO SAY "NO"

Let me repeat myself:  It's okay to say "no."  It's okay to put your child's comfort and well-being before someone's feelings.  It's okay to give your child a break when you know they need it.  It's okay to not make everyone happy all of the time.  It's okay put your child first.  If your family or friends are trying to make you feel guilty or ashamed for not feeding into their plans, THEY are the ones that need talked to.  It's not your fault.  It's okay to say "no."

Well-intentioned family and friends can have a hard time realizing how overwhelming some situations may be.  Explaining what is best for you and your family does not make you guilty of some crime.  Keep your chin up and know that parenting is tough and you're doing a great job.

Autism Awareness Day 3: Support System

Divorce is prevalent in the families of children affected by autism.  In fact, there are statistics that are frightening, especially since stability can make all the difference to a child who's been diagnosed with autism.  Particularly right after diagnosis, when the parents are still trying to decide on a treatment plan and put it into place, the stress level in your household is crazy high.  The phrase "it gets worse before it gets better" is one hundred percent true.  It truly does.  Just when you think you can't handle anything else, the stress level gets higher.  Parents get at each other's throats not knowing how to deal with the stress.  Fights ensue and divorces happen.  It's a scary statistic.

I'm not a doctor and, frankly, I'm divorced myself.  I can't tell you some study I've done.  I can only tell you what I've seen and experienced.... support system is key.  Here are some touch points on the importance of support when your child has challenges.....

*Hold your family and friends close.  Maybe your friends ARE you family.  Maybe your family ARE your best friends.  Either way, hold them close.  Educate them on what's going on and what you're working on.  Maybe it means modifications in their homes or understanding that you can't go to crowded festivals if you have a child who is overwhelmed by noise.  Maybe it's something more simple like just being there to listen to you when you're stressed.  Keep them close.

*Accept help.  I had a very hard time being able to accept anyone helping me.  I experienced a period of guilt for feeling like I "caused" my son's challenges.  I felt like I needed to compensate by being super mom.  (I still struggle with this occasionally). I didn't want help....but there was nothing more damaging to my health.  Accept the help.  Be okay with allowing someone to give you a  hand with anything from cooking a meal or tidying up to picking up kids from activities or making a run to the store for you in a pinch.  Your family and friends are there to help and it helps them to help you (and vice versa, I'm sure).

*Date nights.  If you are in a relationship or married, I cannot stress enough the importance of date nights (or days).  That hour or two to reconnect makes all the difference.  In a high stress environment, it's hard to see the positives.  By taking that time to reconnect, you're actually doing your children a service.  It's a time to recommit yourself to each other and just enjoy each other's company....to remember that you're "in the trenches" together and you love each other.

*Communication.  I don't want to say that you should communicate a certain way.  Some do it through shouting (ironic but true), some through writing, some through talking, some through taking a break to gather their thoughts.  There are so many ways to communicate and I can't say I judge you on what works for your relationship.  What I can say is that communication is key.  Being able to express yourself effectively without attacking your partner is a very important skill.  Learn it....use it.....own it.

*Hug your kiddo.  It doesn't sound like it fits in the support system speech but it does.  Hug your kiddo and remind yourself that you're a great parent.  You're learning to accept help for their sake because it helps you be a better parent to them.  You're communicating better for their sake because it helps you be a better parent.  You're taking time outs with your spouse to be a better parent.  You're learning skills that will benefit you later in life, as well.  Just hug em and tell em how much you love em.

In all of this, take a deep breath and know that you're kicking butt.  Learn the importance of your support system to you and your kiddos.  It can make all the difference.

Autism Awareness Day 2: SPD Story

Though Sensory Processing Disorder is being argued as to whether or not it is a branch of Autism, it has long fallen under the Autism umbrella.  However, having Sensory Processing Disorder does not mean that you have Autism Spectrum Disorder.  In fact, many different disorders that fall under the umbrella of autism are not necessarily red flags to Autism Spectrum.

I noticed something different with my son from infancy.  We called it colicky early on and the doctors blew me off as just being overworked (with two toddlers at home and now, a newborn).  "He's just different.  You've had very easy babies so far." Not true.  My first child was a great sleeper but boy, did she have a temper.  Yes, though, I'd had a very "easy baby" right before D.  D was adamant about only being with me.  I don't mean that he would go to someone else but preferred me.  I mean that he screamed bloody murder if anyone else tried to hold him.  We had eating issues...big ones.  We had sleeping issues...not quite as big but usually related to what he was dressed in, under or if we tried to have him nap anywhere else.  He was not a cuddler at all and actually pushed away if anyone else tried to cuddle him but me.  I couldn't put my finger on it but something was very different.

As a toddler, I noticed it in slightly different ways.  For instance, for his first birthday party, we had to keep it very small because he got very over-stimulated very quickly with any sort of a crowd.  He couldn't stand loud noise, too much stimulation visually or even strong smells.  He had what I thought were tantrums but they would last for extremely extended periods of time....like he couldn't calm himself no matter what I tried.  Again, the doctors blew me off.... "he's just a spirited child....tantrums are normal."  But this was different.  This wasn't a tantrum.  I'd worked with kids for years and I knew a tantrum.  Something was very, very different.

By the time he got to a preschool age, I could tell something was very "wrong."  He couldn't get his body to cooperate with potty training.  I don't mean he wouldn't cooperate and it's not for lack of trying but he couldn't get it to cooperate.  Small motor skills were lacking (though some of this, we later discovered, is that he's ambidextrous and learns everything with both hands).  He had difficulty with large motor skills too, though....riding a bike in particular.  The pediatricians blew me off, blaming the fact that he didn't crawl much and citing evidence that skipping crawling can make bike riding difficult (which is valid evidence but didn't apply here, in my opinion).  The pediatricians scolded me for thinking there was something wrong.  They told me I was being paranoid.  They made me feel terrible for suggesting something might be different.

When he turned five, I finally stopped accepting the scolding.  I was sick of being told it was nothing.  At this point, he had very definitive small motor delays, particularly in handwriting and such.  He was struggling with social skills of any type including how to make friends.  He was exhibiting signs of ADHD including extreme hyperactivity, inability to focus, fidgety, and such.  He was unable to make eye contact.  Obviously the other symptoms from the past were still present but now he would get overwhelmed even easier.  It was very evident that I needed answers and the pediatricians weren't even trying.

I pushed for testing.  I pushed for someone at a professional level to evaluate him.  In fact, I actually put him in kindergarten early so the teacher and staff could attest to the fact that there was more to it than just me imagining things.  It was only after he was evaluated by professionals that we realized that he had Sensory Processing Disorder.  So I started doing some research.... SPD was not highly publicized at that point.  It was a scary prospect reading how some kids reacted and the plights they suffered.  I tried several different approaches that they suggested and we finally found what worked for us..... therapy.  We did speech therapy.  We did behavior modification therapy.  He learned coping mechanisms for how to deal with things getting too overwhelming.  He learned to use his voice to tell someone if it was too much.  Slowly, we started making progress.

The best thing for him, though, was the stability of moving to the mountains.  We found a great school out here (a public school) with fantastic teachers and staff.  He's kept working and I've watched him bloom and blossom.  He still gets overwhelmed and we still suffer an occasional meltdown but they are few and far between and he's better able to manage them now.  His speech has caught up.  His fine motor skills caught up.  He learned to ride a bike.  He learned to adapt to social situations better.  He's thriving and it has made all the difference to have a great school system, a support system of people who love him (and accept that he's "different" instead of shushing him and me about things that he'd rather recognize and deal with).  We don't use his SPD as an excuse but as an explanation, when needed.  We talk about it openly.  It's a challenge, it's not an impossibility.  He has overcome so much.

My point in all of this is the following: Be your child's best advocate.  If you KNOW something is wrong, keep pushing until they listen.  You know your child better than anyone.  If you KNOW something is different, don't listen to them shush you.  Demand testing, change doctors...do whatever you need to do to get the answers you need.  Early intervention makes all the difference.

Autism Awareness Month

April 1 is the start of Autism Awareness Month.  There are several "special needs" issues that fall under the umbrella of Autism.  It affects 1 in 68 children and 1 in 42 boys.  In fact, boys are nearly 5 times more likely to be affected by autism than girls.  There is no medical detection and no cure for autism.  Some are affected very mildly while others are affected much more severely.  (Facts from Autism Speaks)

One of the things I want to discuss first is how you approach someone with an autistic child.  It seems there are a number of misnomers about children with autism.  There's a picture that a host of people have in their head of what an autistic child looks or acts like.  People are quick to stare if the child is in the midst of a meltdown and aren't quite sure how to approach the parent.  Here are a few tips.....

*Please, for the love of God, don't stare.  Believe me, those that are affected by autism-related meltdowns may be "used to them" but not in the way you think.  For the parent, they can see them coming and do everything they can to prevent them but they are no less painful to watch your child suffer through no matter how many times you see it.  For the child, it is the most out of control experience they can suffer and it is not an experience they want to have put on front street.  Please don't stare, point, whisper or anything else I've observed with my own two eyes.  If you feel the need to tsk-tsk the parent for "allowing their child to throw a fit", my best advice is to raise your arm to shoulder level, bend at the elbow and punch yourself directly in the f-ing nose.

*Don't try to interfere with the child.  The worst thing you can do for a child suffering an autism-related meltdown is touch them, scold them, etc.  If you absolutely can't help yourself, touch mom or dad on the shoulder and ask if there's anything you can to do help.  Honestly, they, too, are suffering watching their child go through an out of control experience.  They generally just have to wait for it to pass it's worst point and then work to talk down the child.

*Please, please, please do NOT ever say to a parent of an autistic child, "Well he doesn't LOOK autistic." or "he looks normal."  That is the most insensitive, jerky thing to say to a parent of any child with a disability.  You don't "look" like you have autism.  There isn't a certain way that autistic children talk or, even, necessarily act.  Unless you have something positive to say, shush.

These are just three starter tips.  They seem obvious, except they're not.  I've watched people do all of these things with my own two eyes.  I've experienced these things myself with my son that is affected by Sensory Processing Disorder (which is under the umbrella of autism but is debated as to how much it is under the umbrella).  Please educate yourself and be compassionate.