I Don't Understand Hate

A post was made yesterday that talked about the hatred and entitlement an individual felt based on her color.  As I always do, I went and researched on my own.  I didn't want to believe that she felt this hatred for someone simply based on skin pigmentation.  I didn't want to believe that those were her words.  I wanted to believe that it was taken out of context.  I wanted to believe that it just wasn't true.  I looked up her page, directly, and was saddened immediately.  It is true.  This hatred exists.  This pure, unadulterated hatred for someone based on skin pigment.

I.....don't.......understand.

It has never been about black or white for me.  I have never been handed anything easily.  My parents were teenage parents and had to work day and night (literally) to make a life for our family.  As an adult, I've never been handed a single thing.  I've had to work for every step that I've taken.  I've had to fight tooth and nail just to get by.  I don't work a job where I make some crazy amount of money.  I work constantly to make a life for my kids.  But none of this is the point of this post.  This comes across as angry and it's definitely not angry.  It's pure inability to understand why anyone would think that skin color means I'm given incredible privilege.

I can't grasp the concept of hatred, period.

I believe you have two choices in life.  You can let all of the strife and heartache you endure to harden your heart.  You can develop disdain for everything and everyone.  You can focus all of your attention on how unfair it is.  OR You can focus on what you do have.  You can choose to let the strife and heartache give you more compassion for others.  You can choose to let your hurts give you the knowledge to help someone else through their own hurts.  You see, hatred is a choice.  

I choose to love you anyway.

I'm sure my love for God is an extremely large part of why I feel this way.  If I'm being honest, it's not that I always understand it, but I know it's there.  I know that, deep down, the feelings of anger are usually fear.  The feelings of frustration usually stem from sadness and fear.  I can dislike people.  In fact, I can dislike them strongly but I don't hate.  Hate means that I can find nothing good inside of them and I believe that somewhere, deep inside of everyone, there is something wonderful.  I believe that people that do even the most heinous acts have some good somewhere deep down inside.  Does it mean they shouldn't be punished?  Of course not, their choices are still reprehensible.   Does it mean that they should be hated?  I don't believe so.  They can be loved while their actions are hated.  They can be prayed for even while we pray for the victims of their crimes.

You can hate me, but I'll love you and pray for you.

So for those that hate based on skin color (regardless of which side you're on), I will pray for you.  I don't mean that in some belittling way, as if I'm better than you.  I'm not.  I'll pray for your heart to be given peace and love.  I'll pray for you to be able to see your fellow man as an ally and not an enemy.  I'll pray that our differences will, indeed, create something wonderful that helps us to come together for a common good.  I'll pray that your heart can see you the way that I do....a beautiful soul.  I'll love you exactly as you are.  I'll love you even if you hate me; not because I'm entitled or better or I have a better life, but because I see your soul and it is beautiful, no matter how hurt it is.  I don't see your skin color.  I don't see your eye color or your hair color.  I don't see whether or not you have tattoos or piercings.  I don't see whether you have perfect teeth or teeth muddled from years of drug use.  I see YOU.  And YOU are beautiful.

Stop Shaming

I posted a picture to social media the other day of a beautiful gay couple (both men) that were doing kangaroo care with their brand new baby.  Also included in the picture was the surrogate and her husband and the midwife.  It was the most beautiful moment and a gorgeous picture that brought me to tears.  The pure emotion on these new daddies faces was absolutely the most amazing thing I'd seen all day and some positivity in the midst of so much awful news in our country.  Unfortunately some did not agree.

So I'd like to make this clear....

I am a Christian.  I am a straight woman.  I am a mom.  I am also a supporter of gay marriage and a huge supporter of surrogacy to allow gay couples to have a child.  I feel like homosexual individuals have just as much right to live the same life as we do.  They have no more right, they have no less right...they have the same right that we do.  Here are a few things I'd like to expand on regarding this topic. (and by the way, spare me the "you're not a good Christian" speech.  Seriously, look at your own life...if you're sinless, you let me know and we can discuss "good Christians")

*Contrary to what the advocates to the opposite side will tell you, there is absolutely NO conclusive evidence from a real study that will say that having gay parents influences your life negatively.  Seriously, this goes for gay parents, single parents, kids that are raised by a grandparent/aunt/uncle, or any other type of family.  What matters most in how a child turns out is the love, nurturing and discipline that they receive.  I have news...there are a whole lot of gay couples that I'd rather see parent than the neglectful or abusive parents I've run into over the years.  So stop it with the "studies"....seriously.

*I cannot, for the life of me, grasp how a gay couple is any less worthy of a child and I cannot wrap my mind around this argument.  So what YOU believe should arbitrarily decide what someone else gets in their life.  Why?  If you truly talked to these couples and heard their stories, you might feel differently.  If you saw the love and yearning in their hearts, you might feel differently.  In fact, if you took the time to crawl out of your tiny little box and realize that there is a great big world and that these couples would make AMAZING parents, you might change your mind.

*So let's expand on the last point.  Judgmental people, how many of you have actually TALKED to a gay couple wanting to have a baby?  It's very easy to stand on your soapbox and preach about "right and wrong."  What makes it different is actually meeting these individuals and realizing the amazing talents, gifts, beauty, and vibrance their children would bring simply because of the rich life they'd be provided.  These couples have doctors and lawyers, politicians, scientists, geologists, designers, artists, dancers, businessmen/women, firemen, police officers...this list goes on and on.  Who they love is just a portion of who they are.  Take the time to TALK to a gay couple, or for that matter, a gay individual.  You'll see that the judgments you are passing are just not fair to anyone involved.

and finally....

*Talk to the children that WERE raised by gay couples that are now adults.  Guess what?  Gay couples have been around since the beginning of time.  Talk to children that were raised by gay parents.  Want to know what you'll find out?  They're just like everyone else.  In fact, they might be given an advantage.... understanding of diversity.

I'm sick to death of people deciding to hate just for the sake of hating.  Stop trying to represent Jesus with hate.  Jesus didn't hate.  Stop trying to represent Jesus with judgments.  Jesus hung out with everyone.  Stop trying to throw false statistics out....it's a load of crap.  Stop trying to talk about what "harm" it would do when you've never even sat down with a gay couple, let alone one looking to adopt.  Educate yourself.

School Dress Codes Aimed at Girls

There is a whole movement (for lack of better word) about how school dress codes are shaming girls.  I don't tend to offend easily nor do I like to jump to conclusions; therefore, I wanted to look into it a bit more.  I spent a series of several months looking up 25 different school dress codes other than my kids' schools.  My criteria was that it had to be a public school and had to have a handbook available on the school or district's website.  I tried to vary locations to represent a wide variety of places in the country.

What I found was relatively disturbing.  When I reviewed dress codes, I found that nearly all of the rules either directly mentioned girls or were implied toward feminine clothes (aka spaghetti straps).  Boys were essentially told that they had to have their pants pulled up to the appropriate level (which was actually aimed toward girls too) and that they couldn't wear muscle shirts or tank tops (at some schools).  Girls were told that they couldn't wear spaghetti straps, tank tops, muscle shirts, anything that showed any skin on the back, anything that cut too low in the front, anything that showed their stomach when they lifted their arms and couldn't have bra straps showing.  They were told that their shorts, skirts, and dresses had to go to the tip of their middle finger with their arms down or, in some cases, down to their knee.  They were told that they couldn't have "excessively sized" earrings and no distracting jewelry.  They can't wear open toe shoes (which would apply to boys in flip flops/sandals as well), heels, or anything strappy even if it had a closed toe.  None of the kids could have "distracting" color in their hair at some schools.  Girls weren't allowed to carry purses at a whole lot of schools.  A clear 80-85% of rules were aimed at girls.

Why?

The explanation seems to be given that it's "distracting" but my question is "to whom?"  Instead of teaching boys to keep their eyes on the road (so to speak), we are teaching girls that it's their fault if boys are distracted.  We are teaching girls that if they wear a tank top, they might cause a boy to be so distracted that he might get poor grades.  We are teaching girls that if they have mid-thigh length shorts, boys might be so distracted that they'll get into trouble.  But why?  Why is that the girl's fault?  Why are we not teaching our boys to be responsible for their own bodies and their own actions?

I think the cherry on top of the crap sundae for me was seeing a boy in one of the local schools wearing a shirt that says "Cool story, babe.  Now go make me a sandwich."  Hold the phone.... so it's not okay for a girl to wear a v-neck shirt but it's okay for a boy to wear a completely sexist shirt? (Don't get me wrong...I think the shirt is funny in a lewd way but for an adult....a teenage kid shouldn't be wearing that.  I wouldn't buy it personally but I wouldn't be offend if I saw an adult man wearing it....I just wouldn't be surprised if he was an eternal bachelor with that attitude).  I'm just not exactly certain how THAT isn't considered distracting with all the rules that are aimed at girls.  I happen to know that the girls' rules are enforced pretty strictly...yet this is okay.

Being a mom of boys (and girls), I find this completely unacceptable.  Either we have a dress code to prevent distraction for all students or we stop putting so many restrictions on the kids.  When we stop allowing the American flag to be worn but we allow Black Panther shirts to be worn and not considered distracting, we are creating a double standard.  When we stop allowing girls to wear a shirt with a cut out in the back but allow boys to wear a shirt that is clearly demoralizing toward women, we are creating a double standard.  When we teach people that they can't wear a shirt promoting Christianity or Mormonism or Buddhism but we can promote atheism, it's a double standard.  Why are we teaching our boys (and girls) that they aren't responsible for their actions...that clothes can "make" them do things?

After doing all of this "research", I think there need to be some serious changes made to our thinking. If we are truly trying to protect our children, we need to teach them to be responsible for their bodies and minds.  We need to teach them that they have the control to take care of themselves.  We need to stop teaching our girls that what they wear makes them responsible for what other people choose to do.  Period.  This is not okay.