Here goes....
While I am all for sharing your life experiences and what you've learned, I'd like to make a tiny request to those that are seasoned bloggers: please stop generalizing when it comes to people's long term relationships and marriages. Some of the generalizations you make can actually be quite dangerous. Allow me to explain.
Every relationship machine (if you will) works with different cogs. What works with one couple might be toxic to another. For example, in one couple where a man watches sports for several hours a day, the wife might feel neglected, frustrated and angry and accuse him of having a sports "addiction." In another couple, the wife of a similar man might feel like this is her alone time and put limits on his viewing habits but still allow him to watch daily. In yet another relationship, the wife might be equally as into sports and might view his viewing habits as a positive thing. You see, the "problem" (a man that watches sports several times a day) isn't a problem in every relationship. In some relationships, it can actually be a bonding experience. When a popular blogger/celebrity chooses to make a generalization regarding what's toxic to a relationship, they influence the thoughts of those that value that blogger/celebrity's opinion. The reader, then, begins to be more easily offended by their significant other and BOOM....a relationship starts having issues it didn't previously have because of an outsider's opinion (albeit one that the blogger didn't intend to cause).
When a blogger declares a behavior "dangerous" in a relationship, they aren't considering the actual meaning of the word. They aren't considering the implications that this word causes. When a reader sees the word "dangerous," it triggers their defense mechanism. "Red flag" does the same thing. My belief is that, when talking about relationships, these words should be reserved for abusive or negligent behaviors. And no, I'm not referring to your feelings being hurt. I'm referring to actual abuse and negligence such as physical assault or threat of physical assault, emotional abuse (extreme name calling, belittling, threats, etc) and other such behavior. You see, these are actually documented dangerous behaviors. "Danger" is not an opinion in this instance; it's a fact.
Another irksome phrase used by bloggers is that people don't change. This just isn't true. People can't change who they are at their core; that's true. They can, however, change their habits. Most things that these relationship bloggers are talking about are habits, not characteristics. Will your significant other change because you yell at them? No. Will they change because you bully or nag them? No. Can they change their habits because they choose to? Yes, I believe they can. Change requires dedication to the cause and prioritizing. I don't believe it's impossible, though. Why? Because you see it every day with addicts. You see it every day with people that have gone to jail. You see it in churches. You see it everywhere. People hit rock bottom and change their habits in order to improve their quality of life. The idea that "people don't change" is a completely unfounded and partially false statement. They can change...but they have to want to do it.
A final one that I'd like to touch on is that "all men are" or "all women are" a certain way (or any other phrase of the like). Here are some truths about "all men".... they have a penis, they have more testosterone than a woman. The end. Here are some truths about "all women".... they have a vagina and more estrogen than men. The end. All men are not dogs. All women are not crazy. I could go on and on. Please, please, please stop saying using these phrases. Just because your ex-wife cheated on you doesn't mean all women cheat. Just because your ex-husband bullied you doesn't mean that all men do that. Just because your ex girlfriend belittled you constantly doesn't mean all women do that. Just because your ex boyfriend relentlessly flirted with anything with boobs doesn't mean every guy does it. Stop creating drama that doesn't exist.
Look, I've been through a divorce. I've had breakups. I know how challenging it can be to deal with the emotions. However, I don't think it's a reason to encourage others to create drama in their own relationships. Please, bloggers, use your influence to increase positivity. Please encourage people to be their very best...don't create drama that doesn't need to be there. You never know whose life you're changing with your words.
***I'm not simply blaming bloggers and celebrities. Realistically, no one should be basing their relationships on what they read. With that said, bloggers are well aware of the influence they have on their readers. This is a perspective to consider
No comments:
Post a Comment