You Don't Know What Love Is

I hear people say all of the time (and am guilty myself of saying ) "You don't know what love is."  We say it to teenagers constantly.  They say, "I love you" to their boyfriends/girlfriends and we say, "You have NO idea what love even is." While I was discussing this the other day, though, I came to a different conclusion and I'd like to share a different perspective.

First of all, let me share that the conversation didn't take place with a bleeding heart teenage girl that claims to be desperately in love with her twenty five year old boyfriend.  It was a conversation with an autistic child.  The child was discussing the fact that they are always told that they don't understand feelings because they have a hard time reading social cues.  He was telling me that he DOES understand feelings; he's still a person, but everyone assumes that he has no idea what emotion people are struggling with.  He said that because he can't put those feelings into words, sometimes, schoolmates assume that he doesn't feel anything or, at the very least, doesn't feel things the way that they feel them.  It was a heartwrenching but very, very real conversation.  It affected me in so many ways but one of them was this very post.

I watch the teenage girls around me talk about how they are in love.  I'm guilty of saying that they have no clue because they don't love how I love (or how adults, in general love) but that's not true.  Teenagers DO know what love is. Love doesn't have some defined box that it fits into.  Just because it's not the exact same experience that I feel or that my friends feel or that my grandfather and grandmother feel, it doesn't mean they don't know what love is.  What I've started to say, instead, is this: "You have no idea how much your love grows as you get older."  More often, though, I just say, "I'm so glad that you've found happiness."  The reality is that their relationship may not last because their maturity level isn't there yet.  Then again, that's true with some adults too.  To say that they don't understand love or that they don't know what love is, though, just isn't accurate.  It's just a different love.

Love can be between a man and a woman or people of the same sex.

Love can be between a biological parent and their child, an adopted parent and their child, a foster parent and their child.

Love can be between a married couple or an unmarried couple.

Love can be a biological grandparent or it can be a surrogate grandparent.

Love can be so many amazing things.  It doesn't have to look the same in every person.  In fact, it is SUPPOSED to look different because we're different people.  Will the way we express and, even, feel love change as we get older?  Of course.  Everyone evolves over time.  However, it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist just because it's different than what we experience.

That Last Ten Pounds

I'm a big believer that social media has many assets.  I love that the internet has research available at our finger tips.  I'm so happy that technology has allowed us to communicate with loved ones so far away.  I'm not blaming technology here....at all.

I'm also not blaming celebrities, well not completely anyway.  I know that they're proud and their social media accounts and articles in magazines are serving a multitude of purposes from increasing exposure to just being proud of their accomplishments.

Here's my problem.....

I know someone quite close to me that has two children.  Their youngest one is still a preschooler, yet they are absolutely devastated that they can't get back to their "pre baby weight."  We are talking obsessively counting calories, exercising to the point of exhaustion, and considering cosmetic procedures in order to lose "that last ten pounds."  I see it, all too often.  I see moms so worried about getting back to their pre-baby weight that it actually makes them sick.  It makes me so incredibly sad.

To you moms, I say this:

It's okay, Moms.  It's okay to not lose that last ten pounds.  Your body changed when you had that baby because it is now better suited to your needs.  What you're perceiving to be a failure is the way that our bodies were designed.  The reason you "can't lose that last ten pounds" is because you're not meant to....clearly.  You've obsessively counted calories, avoided junk food, avoided carbs, ate nothing but salads, and exercised until you couldn't stand up and it won't go away.  It's not meant to go away.  It's your body's way of telling you "enough's enough."

Please, please, please stop looking to celebrities and wondering how they can do it.  They're photo shopped! No seriously, they're photoshopped!  As a photographer, myself, I know this one.  They're struggling just like you.  They might even be obsessing like you.

And please don't consider cosmetic surgery to fix it.  Please.  You look beautiful just like you are.  Your husband (or boyfriend or whatever the case may be) loves you exactly as you are.  Be proud of your body.

And finally, if I can say one last thing, PLEASE stop making this into a big deal in front of your daughters.  You are creating a VERY unhealthy mindset.  You're literally molding your daughters into obsessively over-concerned little beings who will never love their body either.

Please, moms, focus on your body being healthy.  Focus on your body getting the fuel it needs and not just obsessively counting calories.  Focus on your body feeling energetic to run around with your kids.  Focus on getting some sleep so you can wake up early with them and eat pancakes in your pj's.  Know that you're perfect exactly how you are!  Channel that energy into showing your daughters that your body is not what defines you.  Channel that energy into teaching them that it's okay to not have "the perfect body."  Channel that energy into teaching them that being healthy is what the focus should be...not worrying about the numbers on the scale.  Teach them that their impact on your body is something you embrace and love so they, too, will embrace it when they have children.

You're beautiful, Mama....don't change a thing