Dear Mother in Laws

Dear Mother In Laws,

I'm not married and I'm okay with that but I've been married and I've dealt with you.  My friends, bosses, and much of my family have in laws.  Some of them love their mother in laws and others want to strangle them.  I'm sure you feel the same way about your son's wives.

Look, I appreciate who you are and what you've done.  You've raised a productive (well, hopefully productive) young man. You've changed his diapers.  You've put bandaids on his boo-boo's.  You've stopped him from trying to jump off the roof into a tree, just for fun. Moms have a special relationship with their sons.  I get it.  No one will ever live up to the standards you set for your son's wife.  I have really mixed feelings about facing this challenge in the future.  I may not like her.  I may have to accept someone that I'm just not in agreement with.

What I can't, in good conscience, support is the all-out assault you launch on your daughter in laws.  Think of when you got married.  You and your husband had a very clear idea of what you wanted from your life together.  Then you had children.  Some of those ideas evolved.  Some of those ideas became the desire to have traditions of your own.  It's a natural progression.  What isn't natural is the idea that you get to control your children's lives long after they're out of your house.  You will always be their mother but your job is not to control them forever; your job is to raise them and then be their cheering squad (or advice columnist) as needed.

Things that are included in this umbrella of ugliness include some of the following.  1-Passive-aggressively criticizing your daughter in law's parenting (which likely includes your son's parenting as well).  In short, you've raised your kids and you don't get to tell your child how to raise his, even if it makes you squirm.  2-Guilting your son into doing what you want to do.  You are creating distress in his marriage in doing so.  You are not helping him; you are hurting him.  3-Going overboard in spoiling your grand children.  It is always nice to spoil them and that is your privilege but going overboard is going to create stress in his house.  You aren't helping him; you're hurting him.  These are not even a long list.  It can go on.

In short, you aren't thinking clearly when you try to treat your grown son like your "little boy."  You are creating stress and turmoil in his household and ultimately hurting him.  Set your sights on encouraging him and helping him create his own traditions while still finding ways to be part of the family as a whole.

Sincerely,
An Observant Party