Stop and Think

My son is an amazing kid but he's open to teenage drama just like anyone else.  I asked him this morning why he was, out of the blue, avoiding his best friend and always wanting to hang out with this other friend.  His response was that his best friend was "acting like a jerk" and "roasting him 24/7."  I took a deep breath (you know the one...you know you're about to piss your kid off but you have to do what's right as a parent) and asked him, "Why do you think that is?"

Then we had a talk.

We talked about some incidents from the past weekend that he hadn't thought about where, maybe just maybe, his friend felt neglected by him.  We talked about some incidents where maybe, just maybe, his friend felt like he was not being included.  We talked about how he felt when people did those things to him.  We talked about the fact that , sometimes, what seems innocent and nonchalant to you may be a completely different experience to someone else.  We talked about how he might be contributing to his friend treating him that way.

He got an attitude right off the bat and seemed to be blowing me off.  I had to trust that I had planted a seed.  I had put the concept in his head and I had to trust years of parenting him to know that he would really think about what I'd said, even if it made him mad.

About twenty minutes later, he came back and said that he thought I was right.  Now comes the hard part...."I'm glad you thought about it.  What are YOU going to do to fix it?"  He's not a baby anymore.  I can't go talk to his friend's mom and arrange a playdate to fix things.  It is HIS RESPONSIBILITY to resolve what's going on.  I'll say that again: it is HIS responsibility.  That's right, folks.  I'm not responsible for fixing his problems.  I'm responsible for encouraging him to see what he might be doing to contribute to the problem and then DISCUSSING how HE can fix it.

But he's just a child.

That's right.  He's a child and he needs to learn how to solve problems on his own before he becomes an adult.  I'm here to guide him but I'm not here to carry him.  I'm not here to pat his shoulder and say, "Let mommy fix it" when it's something that he's capable of handling (with some support).  Does he like that I point out when he's not acting right?  No.  Does he like that I don't solve it for him?  Probably not.  It's not my job to make his life easy, though; it's my job to make him into a capable, well-mannered adult that can function in the real world.  Sometimes, that requires me to step outside of my comfort zone and tell him things that he doesn't want to hear.

I'm happy to report that he made a wise choice and apologized.  I'm happy to report that he stopped blaming and started analyzing it to figure out what might be causing it.  What I'm even more happy about, though, is that he handled it on his own.  I'm happy that my guidance was enough to make him think twice.  Now, as he ages, he will always have that seed planted to make him think twice about how he might be contributing.  Sometimes, he may not be the cause at all and that's okay.  Sometimes, he might just need to analyze to figure out how he can help (even if he's not the cause) and that's something I'm sure he will start to come into as he ages.  The point is that he is learning how to manage life so that he isn't panicking when he's older and can't figure out why his wife is mad at him.

Parenting isn't always fun.  As they get into their teenage years, it's less about saying "no-no" and more about saying, "What do you think I'm going to say?"  It's less about saying, "Absolutely not happening" and more about saying, "Tell me why I should allow this and what you're going to do to make sure that this doesn't turn out badly."  It's not about me trying to stop him from doing every little thing but more about making him stop to think about how the choices he makes affect him.  I won't always be around to stop him from doing dumb stuff but those words and these lessons will be around for life.  Stop and think is ALWAYS a beneficial thing to know.

So if your kid gets mad at you today (or any day) for being a parent, just know that it this, too, shall pass.  You'll thank yourself and society will thank you later on for not raising an entitled twit.