Debunking some Mommy Myths

People can be judgmental, especially women.  We all want to be Superwoman/SuperMom but we can be so hard on each other for our approaches.  A wise man once said "There isn't any way to be a perfect parent but there's a thousand ways to be a really good one."  Not everyone approaches parenthood the same and there are some very vast differences between working moms and stay at home moms but it's kind of similar to the differences between grizzly bears and polar bears: they make changes to adapt to their environment and have a lot of differences but in the end, they're both bears.
With all of that being said, I've chosen today's post to be a salute to moms.  In doing so, I'm going to dispel some "myths" and preconceived notions that have been floating around about moms, both working and stay at home.....

Those circles under my eyes are not from staying up late partying.  In fact, those circles under my eyes started when I was pregnant because the 7+ pound being having a party in my uterus regularly made me feel fifty shades of green (as in nauseous) and decided my ribcage was perfect for kickboxing practice.  It continued through having a newborn, then an infant as sleepless nights and 5:00 AM wake up calls became the day's special.  Then it continued through toddlerhood and preschool as I lay in bed wondering what delightful mischief they'd think of before I woke up in the morning (There is nothing more frightening than waking up in a panic wondering what your stealth toddler has got into that is making that strange whirring sound.)   Now, as my children are school aged, my under eye circles are from trying to cram too many hours into the day; run here, help with this, do that and once the kids are in bed, it's time to take care of the other things I haven't accomplished.  I imagine that these under eye circles never go away because you never stop worrying about your kids but, rest assured, I am not having a rave in my house once the kids are in bed....I'm scrubbing kitchen floors.

Stay at home parenting is not easy.  Working parents, in particular, love to throw this one out there, though men can be a close second on who judges the most on this (not all men, but a large majority).  Stay at home parenting, when done correctly as a large portion of women do, is not an easy task.  Imagine being at your job and the relief you get as you watch the clock, waiting for 5:00 so you can go home.  Now imagine that there is no clock and your job never stops.  THAT is what stay at home parenting entails.  It can often be a thankless job when it comes to appreciation from those around you.  Your "payment" is hugs and kisses and you can't get a mani/pedi done on that.  You're constantly dealing with a balance between spending time with your kids and the million and one tasks it takes to run any household.  Tack on the fact that working moms tend to assume that the stay at home moms can handle ALL of the extras involved in school and extra curriculars and you have a recipe for an overworked parent.  There are no "lunch breaks" and there's no vacation time.  You don't get to socialize in the break room.  It's a 24/7 job 365 days a year.

Being a working mom doesn't mean you don't want time with your kids.  I hate this assumption.  I have had eyes rolled at me more than once when I say that I would love to be able to stay home with my kids if I had the money to do it.  MOST (not all but most) working moms don't work out of desire to escape their children; they work outside the home because two incomes are essential to their household.  They don't run out of the house in the morning thinking, "Ahhhh finally got rid of those children." They run out of the house in the morning with a feeling that is a mix between guilt for having to leave them and concern over what they need to accomplish.  Those tasks that others may have time to achieve during the day while the kids are napping or at school have to be crunched into the two or three hours they have after work to try to spend time with the kids, help with homework, make dinner, clean up after dinner, get kids through baths and tuck then into bed.  Then the real fun begins...how much can they cram in work-wise once the kids are tucked in?  It's not that working parents don't want to spend time with their kids and, given the opportunity, I know a lot of working moms that would jump at the chance to have more time with their kids if they could afford it.

Your all-organic diet and cooked-from-scratch meals don't make you a better parent.  This is a relatively new judgment that I already loathe.  Yes, all organic food and cooked-from-scratch meals are way healthier and better for both you and your children.  With that being said, not everyone has time to cook a complete vegan meal prepared only with the finest ingredients.  Not everyone desires to eat tofu tacos.  When given the option AND the money, yes, a lot of parents would buy organic (especially when it comes to produce) but the fact remains that it's the effort that counts.  I'd rather see a thousand parents who throw in a Stouffer's lasagna and spend time with their kids while it's cooking than a thousand parents who shoo their kids out of the kitchen while they spend four hours making homemade sauce, homemade noodles, and so on.  Don't judge someone on the fact that they can't afford to buy the organic bananas; guess what, the kids are fine eating a regular banana.  Don't judge the parents that don't have the ability to create a homemade tea to treat their child's cold and turn to the Robitussin instead.  Organic is good but it doesn't make you a better parent.

And while we're on the topic, just because you choose not to co-sleep or baby-wear, it doesn't mean you care less about your baby.  Feed me all of the studies you want, the fact remains that people choose to parent in vastly different ways.  For some, co-sleeping and baby-wearing are what their instincts tell them is best and to those parents, I applaud you for listening to your heart.  For those of us who didn't co-sleep or baby wear, you are not less of a parent and it's not that you loved your baby any less.  Not everything feels right to every parent.  So you can continue to feed your studies to support your cause and tell me how I am less of a parent for choosing to put my baby in a crib in the other room when she's only two months old but they're school aged now and they turned out fine so your studies mean very little to me.

By the same token, baby-wearing and co-sleeping don't make you a hippie.  No, it's not a choice that I made.  I didn't find it to be right for me and still don't.  For some parents, this is what they feel comfortable and happy with as a parent.  A lot of their obsession with informing you of the studies constantly is because this can be highly criticized by people that didn't make this choice.  Yes, it CAN be extremely beneficial to baby and mommy.  The kids are gonna socialize just fine and they're not gonna grow up with whatever crazy ideas that the people that judge this approach come up with. 

My jokes about pulling my hair out don't make me a bad parent.  I find this to be some sort of a judgment that comes from parents with really  young children normally.  Yes, there are times as a parent that nearly everyone feels like pulling their hair out.  Kids are little people and, guess what....they can be buttheads sometimes (just like adults).  You can nurture the crap out of your child and they're still going to choose a tantrum or a bad attitude sometimes.  It's the nature of the beast.  So if I choose to have a sense of humor about the topic and say that I'd love to shoot my moody teenager with a Midol dart, I am simply trying to make light of a very frustrating time for myself.  I love my children enough to admit that they aren't perfect and that they can be buttheads sometimes.  I'm sure they'd say the same about me.

And finally, my lack of organized sports and activities for my children doesn't mean I don't love them.  For one thing, a lot of parents can't afford these activities.  Others can't make it to pick them up or drop them off because of work schedules.  Then there are the parents that are actively involved in every aspect of school, sports and activities for their children and that's AWESOME.  You are the glue that holds PTAs together and I salute you.  My choice (as with many other parents) to NOT overdo it in my life does not make me a bad parent.  Different people can tolerate different amounts of activity.  Different people have flexible or less flexible schedules.  Different people have different levels of creativity.  Different people have different cash flows.  Not everyone is built for volunteerism within organized sports and activities.  While I'd love to be the soccer mom and PTA president (okay maybe not the president but more involved), my lack of involvement is not a stab at anyone OR a note on how much I love my kids.  On the contrary, I choose to spend that free time as a family and know that they'll participate more when they're older.  I'm not training my kids from toddlerhood in a sport that has me running around like a chicken with my head cut off just so I can push them to try to get a scholarship.  I want my kids to be kids and enjoy their childhood....and I'm not a crappy parent for this.

I could go on for days about this topic but I attacked some of the more common topics that have been irking me lately.  Like I have said previously, every parent does it differently and every parent has different instincts and approaches.  No one person's approach is right because every child is different and requires different approaches as well.  Instead of judging, appreciate the differences and embrace the opportunity to learn about someone else's way to doing things.