Take It With a Grain of Salt

After hearing a TON of advice lately on pretty much every topic under the sun, I come back (once again) to a piece of advice I give to all newlyweds and new parents that ask for tips: Listening to advice is fine but take it with a grain of salt.  To quote Wikipedia's explanation of where the phrase came from "The phrase comes from Pliny the Elder's 'Naturalis Historia' regarding the discovery of a recipe for an antidote to a poison.  In the antidote, one of the ingredients was a grain of salt. Threats involving the poison  were thus to be 'taken with a grain of salt', and therefore less serious."  In my experience, advice can be its own poison.  It can have seriously ill effects including making a child (particularly a teen) doubt their parents because a friend advises them otherwise, making a husband doubt his wife because a friend advises them otherwise, or even making a sister doubt her sibling because an outsider advises them otherwise.  The story can really be told a number of ways, however, the outcome is the same....the advice given is like a poison that spreads doubt, fear, and a million other unnecessary emotions to the mix.
Particularly to new parents, I always give this advice.  The reason is simple:  People always feel it necessary to advise a new mother on every aspect of her child's upbringing.  Even perfect strangers will tell you what you should and should not be doing with your children.  My children are no longer infants but I still struggle with this same entity.  Under normal circumstances, the advice is well-meaning.  In general, people are trying to prevent you from going through the same struggles.  However, infants (just like everyone else) are all different.  We are all engineered differently and have different wants and needs, different ways of coping and different temperaments.  Therefore, while advice on how to deal with a baby that doesn't want to sleep might sound like you're helping out that new mother, chances are high that you are actually causing her to feel dumb for "not knowing what to do."  The truth is that none of us knows what to do as first time parents, no matter how much experience with children we have, how many brothers and sisters we've had, or how many classes we've taken and books we've read.  We learn as we go and we adapt the strategies that work the best with our own families.
I will take this a step further and say something that I am frequently criticized for: even your doctor doesn't know what's best for you or your children sometimes.  While a doctor is a very well-educated individual, he doesn't know every part of you as well as you do.  He won't know how you tolerate certain things and what side effects will be harder for you than others.  The same is true of someone treating your children.  The expression "Mother knows best" really does ring true in most circumstances.  There is an entire movement of all-organic mamas (and daddies) that are realizing this and choosing not to vaccinate, choosing to co-sleep, and maybe even choosing to baby-wear.  While I did vaccinate, do not co-sleep, and only did baby-wearing some of the time, I can honestly say that I have always attempted to make certain that I fully research treatments including natural remedies and avoid medicating children when it's unnecessary.  I have also stood firm with my doctors that while their advice weighs heavily, ultimately I know what's best for my children and myself.  My doctors agree that as long as I am being a caring parent (as they know I am), they will not push antibiotics or any other major medications on me or my children. 
The advice also stretches to couples and/or married life.  In-laws, friends, and siblings all want to share with you what you should and should not be doing in your relationship.  My advice (though it seems ironic to give it in such a blog post) is to take it with a grain of salt.  Pay attention and store the information for later use if it seems relevant.  However, only you know what's best for you.  People are not going to always agree with your decisions.  In fact, people turn on a dime when it comes to "I told you so".  They don't want you to suffer as they have suffered themselves.  It's human nature, especially to women who tend to have a maternal instinct making them not want their loved ones to experience pain.  Pain is part of life and sometimes the decisions you make will hurt, but don't let someone else's opinion or advice dictate how you should be living your life.
Perhaps this post, in and of itself, goes against what I'm saying since I'm giving advice within it.  However, my advice is more of a "listen to your heart" vibe.  You know what's best for you and someone's shouting, berating, or negative opinions and advice shouldn't affect who you are.  Store the information for a later time and focus on what you need to do.  That's how lessons are learned.

When I Grow Up....

I was asked when I was a little girl and what I wanted to be when I grew up.  The answer was that it was constantly changing.  Now, when I "grow up", I have a real goal.  I refer to this as "my dream job."  My dream job is a traveling photographer.  I want to travel around the United States and to some different destinations in the world and take beautiful pictures.  I want to journey to different places and learn about how different people go about their day.  I want to see all the sights that this beautiful country has to offer.  My DREAM job would involve traveling every couple of months and in the in-between time, I'd be able to be a stay at home mom.  I'd be able to volunteer more at the kids' school and maybe even coach their activities or be a Scout Mom.  I know it's not realistic, necessarily, but it's something I'd wish for if I had a genie.  Back to the grind.

Prioritizing and REAL wants and needs

My first grader was taught, this year, about wants and needs in her class.  We discussed how food and shelter were needs but that toys and other things were wants.  It's hard to get into the specifics of some things she asked.  Being the ever-inquisitive little one, she asked me about sunscreen.  We discussed that, in reality, it's not a NEED because it is not essential to life.  However, it is a prioritized want because it's helpful to keep you from getting sunburned in the summer.  We had to make up our own term because she needed a real explanation on items like this. (And trust me, living in Denver, she FULLY understands why sunscreen is important).
The whole thing got me focused on wants and needs in adult life.  I have really been watching and listening to those around me right now and how they respond to wants and needs.  I say all the time that people have very different definitions of words like "broke" and "busy."  When I say that I'm "broke", I mean that I literally do NOT have money to go out for a drink or dinner; I am spending all of my money on bills and necessities.  However, when some people say that they are broke, they mean that they just can't go on a vacation for the weekend.  It's not that one is necessarily right or wrong; it's just a matter of perspective.  I find that the same is true of people using the terms "want" and "need."
At least 25 times a day, I hear people say, "I need a new TV".  Well there are two realities here: you don't NEED a TV (you WANT a TV for entertainment) and if your TV is still functioning, it's not even a priority want.  I hear that people "need" all day long and the reality is that what they're claiming to need is scarcely ever even a priority want.  It's hard for people that have never really struggled to know what true struggle is.  Even people that have struggled or are currently struggling financially often still have a very different definition of "need."  I'm just as guilty as the next person...I say all the time that I need a new mattress.  The reality of it is that I don't NEED it...mine still functions.  I desire it because I have severe back pain every day because of the mattress being an old, used, half broken mattress.
I find that all of this comes down to prioritizing.  Obviously needs come first but the next item on the list is taking care of preparing for the future to make sure that you have something set back. Then the prioritized wants....things that can't really wait.  Finally, we can come down to the wants.
The next item of discussion that this comes down to is selfishness.  I say this not as a lecture but as sound advice from something I've learned over the years....I find that as a mom, I have lost the ability to make nearly anything a priority want for myself.  However, I find that alot of people in relationships (be it parenting, lovers, friends, or anything else) are so set on what THEY want that they forget to ask if it's what others want as well.  Sometimes we can want something so badly that we forget that it's not what's best for everyone involved.  Dreaming about new things or better things is not terrible; it's a great way to focus and set goals.  However, it tends to skew our reality of what's necessary and what's not.
I think I've been all over the map with this post so here's what it comes down to: Spend more time focusing on what you need and what you will need in the future.  Decide what the priority wants are and set small goals to work towards those.  It's part of the journey I walk right now.

My Knight in Shining Armor Fighting the Battle of the Preteen Girls

I must confess, today was one of those days where I really had to grit my teeth and do my best to not say a word.  You see, my oldest daughter (Alyssa) is about to turn 12 years old.  Because she'd never really gotten the full experience of a sleepover AND because we're relatively new to the area, we opted to let her invite as many people as she wanted to her sleepover.  Basically, the original plan was to bring over a pro makeup artist (friend of mine) and do a rock star party with DJ Hero, Band Hero, makeup and mini photo shoot.  She invited somewhere between 15 and 20 people to come.  We waited....waited....waited and no one showed up.  We ended up finding out that there was a bit of a snafoo and that the likelihood was that no one was going to be able to come....disappointing but we'd make the best of it.  Of course, there are no RSVPs and we vow to make the day special for her another way.
So in steps my boyfriend...saving the day.  He volunteers for us to take Alyssa out to dinner wherever she wants and make it a special night for her.  She gets all dressed up and waits all day for dinner to come around.  We get ready and get in the car, on our way out the door.....and lo and behold, two of her friends from down the street start coming up the drive.....unannounced.  We have NO preparation for this, of course, and we're left holding the bag, wondering what the heck we're supposed to do now.  So once again, he saves the day.....
He not only runs out and buys pizzas, cake and the works but comes home and preps everything for me.  He made the day special for her in the face of me stressing out...and has managed to wrangle the girls as well.  In a night full of attitude (like all pre-teens have), silly giggling and about a million other pre-teen girl fiasco ingredients, THERE is bravery in stepping in to handle something like that!  Now to make it through the rest of the night.....

God has a funny sense of humor...and not funny haha

In the midst of a million and one stressful things going on, today I was thrown a curveball.  In fact, I was thrown a curveball that honestly made me think (very first thing), God has a funny sense of humor.  I wish I could say that it's the haha kind of funny but the truth is that it's the ironic kind of funny.  It reminds me, more than anything, that I honestly have no real control over the events that take place in my life...I only have control over my reaction to them.  A famous line from "The Lion King" says, "I laugh in the face of danger...hahaha."  Mine would probably sound more like, "I aim to smile in the face of diversity."  I'm working towards laughing at it.
It also reminds me that if God/Life has a funny sense of humor, so should I.  It's not that I'm not allowed to stress out over little moments but maybe, just maybe I can also remind myself to find the humor in the situation.  In the million stressful things going on, there is no humor but today's curveball provided the irony just funny enough to be considered humor.  I can't wait to see what the future brings now.

Cherishing the Little Moments

"Mama, I need your arm on me."  I never let my kids sleep in the bed with me.....ever.  With all that's been going on and knowing they're stressed, though, I decided to let my smallest one sleep in the bed with me.  She's 6 1/2 years old and probaby one of the sweetest children I know, barnone.  She charms every single person that she meets.  But I digress....
So there she is, cuddled up in her princess blanket with her wanky (her special blanket...and yes, that's how we refer to it in this house) and my comforter over the top of her and she wakes me up out of a dead sleep to say, "Mama, I need your arm on me."  Despite being exhausted and not feeling like waking up to even respond, I put my arm over her and she just mumbled, "Thank you mama" and was back to snoring.  I couldn't help but smile because I know that someday she'll outgrow these moments and I'll wish I'd have cherished them more.
With everything that's going on, I am taking my life one moment at a time and trying to focus on cherishing the tiny things in life...the things that I know I'll remember.  I have to keep it short today but I encourage her to do it.

How to Define What's Real

In an instant, my life has changed into something I didn't necessarily see it becoming.  I am dealing with confusion, fear, sadness, and a million other emotions all at one time.  I'm watching my kids deal with a million emotions at once and for the first time in her six and a half years, my youngest daughter won't sleep in her own bed because she wants to be with me 24/7.  Trying to explain what happened would be an earful and something I don't want to re-live so suffice it to say, it's big and it's made me rethink everything around me.
In the midst of this, I've come across a few simple ways to tell if something is real, mostly involving people you love.  I'm no psychologist but after all I've been through, I can honestly say that I've learned a few things.  Here goes....
1.  If something is real, its core being is the same no matter what.  To put it simply, you don't start off with a frog and it turns into a kitten.  This is not to say that things don't change in an evolutionary manner....tadpoles become frogs and caterpillars become butterflies.  It's simply to say that the core being of what's there remains the same. 
2.  If something is real, it has a purpose.  Sometimes its purpose is to teach you a lesson and sometimes its purpose is to provide you with a fill-in where a gap once was. 
3.  If something is real, it survives a curveball.  It might be broken and need to be fixed but it survives any curveball thrown at it.
4.  Though this one specifically applies to people, if something is real, it means that true feelings never change.  A friend is always your friend even if they make you mad.  Love is always love even if you get into a fight.  Your family is always your family even if they make you mad.
5.  If something is real, it only becomes more special to you with time.  It becomes more a part of you as time goes on and you find that it's difficult to live without it.
I'm no expert but I intend to start using this much more often from now on.  Here's to hoping that my next post is a happier one.