I sat down today to discuss a few things with the crazies, not the least of which was the quickly disappearing shampoo and conditioner from the girls' shampoo. As a mom on a budget, I know exactly how much of various toiletries is required to make it through a month. I specifically made the purchase of pumps for the shampoo and conditioner the girls use to make certain that they were not pouring half the bottle in their hand every time they washed their hair. Mysteriously, the shampoo has been disappearing at a rapid rate and I've heard a whole lot of horseplay when the boys are showering. This, along with the encroachment of body odor from summer sweat, led me to have a discussion about hygiene and other topics. It definitely got me thinking about some of the phrases I say that are phrases that only a mom would probably say. Here are some of them:
1. The___________ is not a playground/jungle gym. The word "shower" can be interchanged with several others and still be a phrase that I use. The sofa is not a jungle gym. Your bed is not a trampoline. It all fits into the same mold. The fact that I had to explain this using the term "slip and fall on your butt", which sent rippling giggles throughout the room, is irrelevant.
2. The floor is not a slip and slide. Okay, I confess...I was guilty of trying the Pippi Longstocking floor-cleaning technique as a kid. I understand the entire room becomes a massive cloud of steam when there are four kids showering in a row and that you might discover the slippery floor can serve as an express train to get from one side of the room to the other. With that being said, additional lubrication of the floor is NOT okay...and is extremely unsafe.
3. You're gonna break your neck Again, this is one of those phrases I feel like I repeat over and over. Be careful so you don't break your neck/head! This is usually coupled with "I don't feel like spending the night in the emergency room" or "I don't want to hearing any fussing when...."
4. Don't come crying to me when..... This is the phrase I use when I'm warning them, or occasionally directly telling them, not to do something because it's going to have consequences. Examples include "If you're going to keep wrestling, don't come crying to me when you get hurt" or "If you won't put your toys again, don't come crying to me when they get lost."
5. I don't care what ______ gets to do because he/she is not my child If you're a parent of a school aged child, you've probably said this yourself. Apparently I have more rules than other neighborhood parents because I've been told that other kids get to get ice cream every single day from the ice cream man, don't have to look both ways EVERY time before crossing the stress, and that they get to have ice cream and candy whenever they want. I have yet to meet these children but I'm sure they're good friends with the also-fictional children "I don't know" and "I didn't do it."
6. Life's not fair...deal with it. This is mostly a phrase I have to repeat with my tween-age daughter who frequently likes to inform me how unfair I am. I'm unfair because I give them chores and I'm unfair because they have a bed time. I'm unfair because I make them help each other out on occasion and I'm unfair because I won't let her friends come over every waking minute of the day. "Fair" is a word that became re-defined when I had children....and I am not proactively practicing it apparently.
7. When I was a kid..... Yes, I'm that mom. When I was a kid, we got smacked with a wooden spoon when we misbehaved. When I was a kid, we got our mouths washed out with soap if we talked like that. When I was a kid, we sat on the floor instead of expecting adults to move when we were watching TV. When I was a kid, we were outside all the time until we HAD to come in. When I was a kid, we had to walk uphill both ways in 3 feet of snow.....Okay I haven't used that one (yet).
8. Wash your butt.... This one is far more frequently used with a tween-age son that is developing a serious case of B.O. It's simple fact...boys stink. I feel a little like Bill Cosby telling them step by step instructions for the shower:" Get in, turn on the water, wash completely...this includes behind your ears and in your armpits and for God's sake WASH YOUR BUTT!"
9. That is there...this is here....come HERE! This is the frequent answer to anyone who screams "Whhhaaaatttttttttt" across the house when I yell their name. Yes, I just screamed your name across the house to get your attention, probably because I'm busy and can't come to you. That does not mean continuously scream across the house asking me what I need over and over; it means come here and find out what I need while I am talking in my normal speaking voice.
10. Get up, shake it off.... Until I was a parent of multiple children, I didn't use this phrase. Now I'm more apt to tell them to "rub some dirt on it" than to tear off running in panic every time they skin their knee (and NO I don't actually have them rub dirt on it.) This is sometimes coupled with "dry it up" to exaggerated hypochondriacs looking for attention.
This certainly doesn't cover the entire selection of "mom only" phrases but it gives a general idea to how my household sounds. I'll cover the use of the word "potty" (and other mom phrases) when I have more time to post about the words that officially initiate you into mommy-hood.
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