By the Time You Have Your Fourth Child....

My grandmother told me that by the time I got around to my fourth child hitting certain milestones, I'd probably handle it very differently out of knowledge, experience, and...well out of exhaustion.  She couldn't have been more right.  I think that there are certain things that you just don't understand, as a parent, unless you have three or more children in close age proximity.  So as a salute to moms of three or more, here is my list of things that stand true with a large family.

By the Time You Have Your Third, Fourth or Fifth Child...
*If you have more than five, God bless you on your journey...Ha ha ha

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you worry less about whether or not they got bathed at 7:00 every single night and worry more about the fact that they got bathed when they were dirty or smelled.  You don't make excuses for why your child newborn hasn't been bathed in two days; you recognize that she's a newborn...how dirty could she possibly get in two days.  You're often inclined to do the "no-funny-business" bath time (instead of the 20 minutes of designated play time you made sure to enact with your first one) and are equally as happy to use a wet washcloth or even a baby wipe to complete the task if a real bath isn't necessary.  You are also not opposed to throwing two, three or even four kids in the tub at once if it means getting your job done more expeditiously.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you've given up on tediously stain sticking every single item of clothing.  You realize that "spit happens" and understand that your baby is not the only one at the day care with formula stains.  You realize that it's not nearly as important to worry about every little stain being scrubbed pre-wash as it is to get the laundry done at all.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you've given up on keeping up with all of the housework all of the time.  You understand that it's significantly more important to have a happy, cluttered house than a spotless house with neglected children.  You understand that naptime cleaning can only do so much and you do your best with the time that you have.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you understand that your bathroom habits are no longer your own.  Not only can you not have a moment of peace in the bathroom but your bathroom habits will now be broadcast for all to see.  You might even stop closing the door to the bathroom with the understanding that the kids are going to open it anyway.  At the very least, you anticipate that the moment you sit down to pee, your kids are going to need to ask you something important....like whether or not turtles have ears.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, they can sleep damn near anywhere.  You have long since given up on them sleeping in a crib or play pen.  You have given up on the theory that you don't want to have them nap on you or on the floor.  Instead, you're just happy that they're napping and sleeping at all.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you understand that sometimes sweets and junk food are a necessary evil.  You can limit it in your home but they are going to get invited to parties and drink soda..and it's not the end of the world.  Your child will not melt into a puddle from enjoying the occasional McDonald's French fry.  You are no longer opposed to the idea that sweets can be used as bribery, if necessary.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, the phrase "this is not a restaurant" becomes standard in your household.  When your first child looks at you in disgust, you find creative ways to hide the veggies in their food, give them creative dips to dip it in, and read up on how you are supposed to get them to eat.  By number four, you've given up and just say "Eat it because I said so."

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you're used to the phrase "Are they all yours?" when you're out in public.  If your sense of humor is like mine, you're used to it to the point that you have your own creative responses.  Observe...."Are they all yours?"  "What do you mean all"  I only came in here with one....where the heck did these ones come from?" 

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you've given up on looking like the put-together mom all of the time.  You're just as happy rockin your ponytail and yoga pants to drop the kids off at school as you are to have that peaceful ten minutes in between their bedtime and yours.  It's fun to get dressed up once in awhile but you understand that you don't have to look like executive Barbie every time you step out of the door.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you're a multitasking extraordinaire.  You can comfort a crying toddler while nursing a newborn, coloring with your  preschooler and practicing spelling words with your school aged child.  You laugh mockingly at the idea of not carrying in all the groceries at once with the diaper bag, your purse, AND the ice creams  you bought to bribe the kids to behave in the grocery store while you figured out the unit price and whether or not the coupons were worth it.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you have accepted that that you are destined to no longer carry purse until everyone is out of diapers.  You are also no longer destined to have the sweet little diaper bags moms of one (or even two) have the privilege of carrying.  You throw your wallet into your suitcase sized diaper bag by the "emergency rations" of granola bars and fruit snacks and call it a day.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you have trained your kids on holding your hand in parking lots and behaving while you unload the baby.  You don't need "safe spots" on your car because your kids know that you mean business when you say to stand RIGHT HERE while you get the baby out of the car.  They know better than to run off in stores because your level of nonsense acceptance when it comes to these things has become less and less with each child.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, unsolicited parenting advice deflects off of you like it's a superpower.  Not only do you not have time for it but you've also realized and own the fact that your instincts are stronger and better than any book and you know your children better than some teeny bopper psych student with no children.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you accept that there are certain things you can't force a child to do....like potty train before they're ready.  You can sit and obsess over the fact that your toddler is still waddling around in a diaper or you can concentrate on the fact that he happily eats everything including hummus and speaks in full sentences that most adults can't put together anymore.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you've learned the ropes on tantrums...and by "the ropes", I mean that all children throw tantrums at some point.  Some are more dramatic and loud while others are more quiet and mellow but they all do it.  Acknowledging it has become so run-of-the-mill to you that when your youngest starts one, you know exactly what to do...or not do...which is to try to reason with them

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you realize that while children are actual little people, they are sometimes not ones that can be reasoned with.  Even more importantly, you understand that there are times that you shouldn't have to reason with them.  No means no.  I'm the mom.  Period.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you realize that the Mother's Curse is a real thing.  "I hope you have a child just like you" becomes not just what you live, but also what you inflict on your child...that is exactly like you.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you realize that you don't divide your love with an increased amount of children.  Your love simply multiplies....and you don't need a reason or explanation of how this happens because you're busy handling your four children.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you've given up on a spotless little sedan.  You now drive a minivan, a mom-mobile, complete with French fries stuffed in the seats and crayons melted in the cup holders.  You don't feel bad about your mom-mobile; you embrace it because you have enough trunk/storage space to haul around a body, like the body of the next person who mocks your mom-mobile.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you've given up on the concept that your children will "never" do something....like watch more than a half hour of TV a week...or run around naked singing the theme from "Dora the Explorer" while you try to cook a balanced meal.  You've learned to pick your battles.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you come to the conclusion that not everything in life can be equal but there are priorities in equality.  Priorities might include portions of dessert, number of Easter eggs collected, or who gets to take the Box Tops to their class.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you are so used to the phrase "that's not fair" that you no longer even acknowledge it.  Your oldest will likely complain that the younger kids get to do something or get away with something.   Your youngest will complain that they don't get the same privileges as the oldest.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, your organizational skills are comparable to professional organizers.  You can pack an entire nursery into a diaper bag, pack nutritious balanced lunches in under 10 minutes, and still manage to get everyone out the door on time.  It's survival of the fittest and you're at the top of the food chain.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you've accepted that the world will not end if the Barbies end up in the same bin as the Legos.  You have given up the battle to make sure that the Barbies are clean and well-groomed and the floor where your little girl plays often looks like a naked Barbie Woodstock where everyone forgot to brush their hair.....for months.

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you know that scheduling a child constantly is feasible with one...maybe even two.  Once you hit numbers three and four, you make them pick and choose.  You can't be in twelve places at once and your child will not perish if he's not in swimming and soccer and  karate and playgroup and at every week's library story time.

and finally....

BY THE TIME YOU HAVE YOUR FOURTH CHILD, you realize that you're doing a good job even if you have days where you want to pull your hair out.  Scratch that...not "if"..."when".  You hold it together and you kick butt and take names because you are Super Mom....now where the heck is the peanut butter, you have lunches to make