Step parents can be an amazing blessing in a child's life. I am very fortunate to have an amazing stepmother that I got as an adult. She is supportive and loving. She minds her own business but is also there when I need her. She's got a big heart. I'm very blessed. Recently, have seen some very unhealthy posts made by bitter step parents that want to complain about the biological parent. Here are some of the rules that I think step parents need to abide by (**based on the assumption that the biological parent of the same gender is still involved in the child(ren)'s life.)
Don't force your way in. You can't force a child to accept you and trying to only makes the situation worse. Don't over do it. Ease your way in and let them move at their own pace. Different children (even from the same family) will work at different paces. They have already experienced a lack of control in their lives through divorce and forcing them to have even less control will backfire ultimately.
Don't try to make the rules. It is one thing to sit down as a blended family a couple of years in but understand that you are not going to step into a role immediately to start laying down laws. In my opinion, it is better, as often as possible, to let the child's parent stand up and make rules and/or enforce them at first. The child needs to know that you are not the cause of their woes with having to follow rules.
...but understand that they will blame you anyway. Depending on their age, it is often a likely situation that the kids will blame you for the rules. It doesn't matter what the situation is. Understand that they're going to act out and learn to have tough skin. Accept their feelings and it will make it run more smoothly. Note that I said accept their FEELINGS and not their actions. The parent should be keeping boundaries there to make sure that the rules are still enforced in the house and you're not being completely trampled but the more that kids are allowed to express themselves and know that they're in a safe environment, the better off you'll be.
Get to know them and love them as individuals. This means accept the good with the bad. Maybe that means that you accept a bad temper or a sports nut when you're not into sports. Get to know their interests and get educated on them as much as you can. Encourage them and try to be understanding and patient, as much as possible. Every child is different.
and finally....
If you have kids of your own, DON'T try to draw a divide. Being married to someone means loving all of them INCLUDING their children. There should be no divide between your children and theirs in terms of love. When you choose to love someone unconditionally, you choose to love their children too. It doesn't mean you take over a role; it means you add on another person in their life who loves and accepts them just as they are. You are not rivals on different teams but merging into a new, stronger, better team.
Step parents can be a great addition to families and a great source of trusted people to talk to in a child's life. They don't take over a role, but instead create a new addition to a family that can bless you beyond understanding.
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