The Divorce Phenomenon

It's an interesting phenomenon, the relationships that occur between divorced couples.  It's fascinating in so many ways.  In fact, I've decided to cover some of the topics that I consider to be most interesting on the topic in my first blog post of 2016.  It only discusses topics that are prevalent to divorced couples with children; however, some might well apply to other divorces as well.

Most states require you (and, in some states, the children) to take a class  This class discusses how you should make certain that you're not bad-talking your ex to or around the kids.  It discusses ways to handle various situations and how to avoid arguments.  It's based on the premise that you are divorcing your spouse but your CHILDREN are not divorcing your spouse.  It's claimed that these classes help.  I'd really like to see some in-depth studies on how effective these actually are with the adults involved.  My life experiences have led me to believe that most of the "students" in these classes simply amplify their own perspective.  If you go into it with an eye-rolling, "I don't give a crap" attitude, you will leave with that same attitude.  If you go in with a receptive, kind attitude, you will leave with that same attitude.  Realistically speaking, bitter divorcees are not going to have their lives transformed with these classes.  They are more inclined to behave like a high school senior schlubbing their way through the class that they just took to get the credit: they only pay a little bit of attention and retain none of the information.  So why require it?  If it's not actually doing any help, why require adults to go through this?  The idea is puzzling to me.

The waiting period for a divorce is incredibly long in most states  Ok let's be realistic....most couples that file for divorce don't even wait until the divorce is finalized before they begin the process of dating.  A prolonged process doesn't stop this and it certainly doesn't normally result in reconciliation.  There are always exceptions.  I could understand this law applying to those that are listing their reasoning as "irreconcilable differences."  If your reason for divorcing is infidelity, abuse, or something of the like, you are very clear about your decision and waiting a year is not going to change that.  As the matter of fact, more abuse and infidelity can occur within that year while you are still legally tied to this person.  So why is it so prevalent a requirement?

There seem to be three types of divorced couples: 1-Both parties are civil and move on with their lives keeping their children's best interest at heart (rare) 2-1 party is civil and is moving on while the other concerns themselves with "revenge" on their spouse 3-Both parties are maniacal in seeking ways to make the other party miserable.  In examples of the first type, BRAVO...no seriously, bravo.  You are acting like an adult about the situation and realizing that your marriage didn't work and you made a conscious decision to change your status while still focusing your attention on your children.  You're awesome.  In examples of type 2, I am speaking specifically to the civil party when I say "hang in there."  Don't worry about what your ex is saying.  It says more about them than you.  In examples of type 3, you are the most puzzling to me.  Why?  Why do you still feel the need to seek "revenge?"  You got divorced so you didn't have to be tied to them, yet you're tying yourself to them in every single instance where you spend your time and effort to do something just to make them mad.  Why would you even bother?

The people that feel the most concerned with pointing out that their ex-spouse is the psychopath is usually the one most concerned with people discovering their own actions.  If you are walking around doing nothing but trash talking your ex 24/7, you are just as much of a problem as they are.  If you are spending your time hiring private investigators to out their indiscretions, you are just as much of a problem as they are.  If you are spending all of your time telling your remaining friends how big of an ass they are, you are the problem too.  If you truly believed their actions are awful, you'd let them speak for themselves instead of feeling the need to run behind them, sweeping up the scraps of bitterness and showing them off to everyone.

Making your friends and family pick sides   This is another one I don't fully understand.  I didn't want or care if my family or friends picked sides in my divorce.  In fact, I just didn't choose to discuss many of the details.  It was a private matter.  Those that sprawl the details of their divorce out to any friend or family member that will listen seem more, to me, like they're looking for attention than advice.  It's designed to rally the troops and it's nonsense.  It's one thing to confide in your nearest and dearest.  Honestly, those people probably already knew there were problems beforehand anyway.  It's another thing to fill people's newsfeed with status updates that give vague attention-seeking details of your private affairs.  It's juvenile and ridiculous.

and finally....

The idea that EVERYTHING your ex does is a stab at you.  It seems that there's often one (or both) party that believes that everything their ex does is  stab at them.  If she (and I'm only using the feminine pronoun as an example) wants a later pickup one day, it has to be to inconvenience you and not because she had an errand to run and thought you might want more time with the kids.  If she takes the kids to a movie, it has to be that she's doing it just to make sure you can't see it with them first and not because she wanted to do something fun with them.  If she pays off a bill, it has to be because she's just trying to dig at you and not because she worked her ass off to make enough money to pay for something.  If she is happy dating someone else, she must be trying to make you jealous and not moving on with her life.  This one is most fascinating of all to me.  Dr Phil says that you wouldn't worry so much about what people thought of you if you knew how little they did and I think this applies in spades to divorcees that suffer from this complex.  If she IS dating someone else to get back at you, do yourself a favor and ignore it.  If she's taking them to movies first just to bug you, find something else you can do to bond with your kids and ignore it.  Stop turning everything into an agitated response and the thrill will disappear for the few that are actually doing this.  In most cases, though, they're just moving on with their lives and doing the best they can.

Having been through a divorce (and being a child of divorce), I have experience of my own on these topics but watching friends and family divorce has given me ample opportunity to observe this phenomenon.  My suggestion to divorcees is this: Put your kids first, do the best you can to take care of them and understand that things are going to be very different but they don't have to be argumentative and evil.

Review of Hammonds Candy Cane Festival

I took a little hiatus in order to deal with some personal stuff.  All is well on the shutterbug front....just very very busy.


Today I'll be discussing the 2015 Hammonds Candy Factory Annual Candy Cane Festival.  Hammonds is located at 5735 Washington St in Denver, CO.  Year-round, they offer free tours of the factory where you can actually watch candy being made.  On our spring/summer visit in 2012, we got to see candy ribbon being made.  On this particular visit, during the festival, they were already making Easter bunnies!!!  We also found out that most of the cotton candy that is distributed in grocery stores (even if it doesn't say Hammonds) is actually made in the Hammonds factory.  Hammonds personally packs and packages each package of candy instead of just having a conveyor belt and machine that does it all.  Every member of the staff I've met is fantastic, super sweet and very knowledgeable.

The Candy Cane Festival is held annually on a December weekend (Friday and Saturday) at the Hammonds Factory.  Admission is free and most of the festivities are included with that free admission.  This year, the only paid parts were professional pictures of Santa (if you wanted to take your own pictures, it was free) and the crafts tent.  Tickets were extremely reasonable ($2) to do the paid events.  Offered at no cost? Meeting Santa and Mrs Claus (which on Saturday included a large tasty Hammonds Candy Cane), bounce houses and slides, free cotton candy, free games that had toys or tasty rewards like Hammonds taffy, horse drawn carriage rides, free hot cocoa, trolley rides, mini tours of the factory and more!

As always, the staff was great.  They braved a very, very cold snowy day in order to make everyone's experiences great.  There were heat posts available to warm up and some of the activities were in tents to get a reprieve from the cold.  We got there very early on Saturday and the lines were virtually non-existent.  As we were getting ready to leave, some of the lines appeared long BUT moved very quickly.  For example, mini tours had a long line but people are let in to the touring area in groups so the line moved quickly forward.  The line for the carriage rides got a little long but a nice big group can fit on the carriage so the line moved quickly.  We didn't stand in line for anything for longer than 5-10 minutes.

The tasty treats offered as "samples" or prizes are second to none.  Hammonds candies are absolutely delicious.  I'm a big fan of the candy bars, particularly the one that has dark chocolate and mint (though these were not one of the items given away, they are very reasonably priced and well worth it).  The taffy and cotton candy are absolutely delicious and the candy canes are wonderful.  Even the hot cocoa was fantastic complete with a delicious homemade marshmallow and a peppermint stick stirring stick.  Hammonds definitely delivers on quality and taste!

The location is incredibly easy to find.  Take a quick jaunt off I-25 and you're there.  Admittedly, parking was a bit of a nightmare.  The parking lot of the factory holds the festival so most of the parking is reliant on surrounding businesses.  I saw one surrounding business charging $15 for parking which, I think, chased a few people off but rest assured, folks...most of the surrounding businesses don't gouge you like that.  I'd also like to point out that some of the festival staff was helping to direct traffic for parking.  I was snuggled into a tight spot and had someone actually come over and guide me out to make sure that I got out safely.  I heard people griping about the parking and would love to point out that when you attend a free event, there will be hiccups and you should be thankful to have just a weird parking situation as the only issue.  I might suggest parking down the road or across the street and just walking over to avoid the parking situation. 

Overall, I would completely recommend this festival! It's an incredible free event by an incredible, giving company.  We will definitely be attending again in the future. #HammondsCandies

TBT-Look how little they were

TBT.....awwww look how little!

Candy, Candy, Candy

There are so many options available now for getting Halloween candy.  I love the fact that there are ways for people to get out and enjoy the "holiday" without having to go the traditional route.  Locally, here are some of the best....

Trunk or Treats I see a host of churches having Trunk or Treat celebrations.  These are a fantastic source of safety.  You walk from car to car with the kids and trick or treat in a parking lot.  There are a whole lot of very creative people who come up with incredible concepts for their trunks.  It's very cool.

Trick or Treat Street. These are often at high schools locally.  In fact, we just attended one last night.  These are a great way to enjoy trick or treating but also to support your local community.  I'm partial to this as my daughter spend time with her extra curricular group taking part in their trick or treat street. The kids come up with great "booths" and they love being able to hand out candy.  It's a safe environment for you to enjoy some time with your kids and still get to trick or treat.

Malls, etc trick or treat Several of the local malls and shopping centers host a trick or treat celebration before or on Halloween.  These are a great opportunity to get trick or treating done.  I'm generally not a huge fan of these for the sole reason that I am not a huge fan of malls but they are a great option.

Fall Festivals Maybe you don't want to actively trick or treat at all and, instead, you'd like to give your kids a taste of the season without making it into a "thing."  Fall Festivals are a great option for face painting, games, and other prizes without the overflowing bag of candy coming out of it.

Trick or Treating on Halloween Whether you drive your kids from house to house or just walk it with them, trick or treating is always a fun way for kids to get to experience the fun.  I'm an advocate of walking it, personally, and making them work for their candy.  That said, I understand how ugh that can be. 

Whatever method you choose, be safe and have a great Halloween.

Divorce Sucks

This is going to be a short but sweet post and it's got a very specific audience: divorced moms.  I will preface by saying that I'm part of this group.  I will also say that I'm not trying to pass judgment.  Instead, I'm trying to give you a helpful tidbit of advice. Here goes....

Dear Divorced Mom:
Divorce is hard.  It doesn't matter what the cause or how hard the process was; it sucks.  If you suffered through your spouse cheating, I'm so sorry for you.  If you were the cheater, I'm even more sorry because you will spend the rest of your life worried that your future significant others will cheat.  If there was abuse, good for you for getting out.  If you claimed abuse just to give your ex a bad name, shame on you.  The point is that there are a million reasons for a divorce, including irreconcilable differences. Whatever the reason is, it happened and I'm sorry you had to go through the process because it's hard no matter what.  No matter how much we try to make light of it, it sucks.
Here's the point I want to get across to you....It's not about you.  It's about your kids.  Let's be honest: it's easy to focus your attention on your hurt.  It's easy to be selfish and just focus on your hurt.  It's easy to be angry and want to rally the troops.  Those things are easy.  You're better than that.  If you need counseling, go through counseling.  If you need to just talk it out with your close friends, do it.  If you need to sort through it yourself, sort through it. Stop bringing your kids down.  If your ex is paying his child support, don't tell your kids how broke you are because of him.  If your ex is trying to spend time with him, understand that his rules may be different than yours but he's doing the best he can.  If your ex is making the effort to be a good dad, be thankful; not every guys does this.  Focus your attention on making your kids' lives the best lives possible and that means not dealing with the bickering BS you're putting out there.
Sincerely,
A Divorced Mom Who's Sick of BS

(Before I get posts a  go-go...yes, I realize this isn't every divorced mom and yes I realize divorced dads can be guilty too.  The point of this is to look inward and see what you're doing and if it's benefiting your child)

Birthday Party Host Etiquette

Apologies for a long break.  My body decided to go into shut down mode and give me a massive double ear infection and sinusitis.  Good news is that I was up and at em in a couple of days.  Bad news is those couple of days were awful.  So what have I been contemplating over the .past few days?  Birthday party host etiquette.

There seem to be parents that either didn't learn birthday party etiquette (as the host) or choose not to partake in it.  Unfortunately, this doesn't just create chaos for the host themselves.  It creates chaos for the other parents as well.  For some, it is unintentional or just lack of experience.  For others, it is a conscious choice and to those parents, I say, "you sir/madam are a turd."  If you're fortunate enough to gain the experience in your child's early years when parents stay at the party, fantastic.  If not, here are some tips, tricks and rules of etiquette for birthday parties.

Make it clear if you expect the parents to stay.  Parents of younger school aged kids often aren't sure if they're expected to stay at a party or not.  Be honest.  If you just can't handle that many kids on your own and supervise them well, make the invitation say "You and your child are invited to...." or something of the like.  An extra pair of eyes never hurt anyone. 

Be realistic about the number of kids you invite.  While I absolutely love the idea of inviting everyone from your child's class, understand that your child will likely not be able to socialize with every kid the whole time.  You're likely to end up with some kids feeling left out and that's no fun for them OR their parents so if you're inviting a large group of kids, make certain you have activities planned that include EVERYONE. If you're letting your child be more selective, be realistic about how many kids you invite.  If you have a small house or can't handle a lot of noise, don't invite 12 teenage girls over to drive you crazy the whole night.  Your stress level is directly related to how much fun the kids that are over have.

Be specific on time.  You may be tempted to say, "Whatever time you get here is fine."  Don't say that unless you truly know your ability to handle chaos.  If there is any chance you're going to be pulling your hair out after a couple of hours of party, you need to be clear and not feel bad about being firm on timing.  Sleepovers, specifically, can produce problems.  The other side of this is that if you specify a time, stick to it.  Don't expect parents to be there early and don't send kids home (even if they're in walking distance) early. 

Lay down the rules early on and then give them space to play.  Let everyone know the rules at the start and them let them loose.  You're going to have to expect to remind them a few times but if they know the rules ahead of time, it will be easier to contain their behavior.

and finally....

Don't over plan  You can plan a million activities and you'll get aggravated at how much the kids can blow them off because they just...want....to....play.  They don't need a billion activities, just one or two.  Don't micro manage.  Just let them hang out and you'll be much happier as a host.

Are we Creating a Generation of Argumentative Adults?

Food for thought for the morning: By teaching our children that we need to explain ourselves constantly, are we creating a generation of argumentative turds?  There is a large quantity of parents that believe that we must explain punishment to children.  For instance, if little Sally hits Tommy in the head with a block, we are supposed to remove Sally from the situation and explain to her why she is being put in time out.  By the same token, if Sally throws a tantrum because Mom isn't listening at the moment, Mom is supposed to explain to Sally why she's being put in time out.  What I'm wondering is this: instead of explaining ourselves and why we have to punish them, why can we not just teach them that "x" is right and "y" is wrong?  If they know that one is right and one is wrong,  they (like many generations before) won't need an explanation as to why you're being punished.  You're being punished because you did something wrong.

Here's my thinking....

Aforementioned Sally grows up and goes to high school.  She knows she's not supposed to do a certain activity.  She does it anyway and gets sent to the principal's office.  The principal is not going to explain every detail of why she's in trouble.  He's going to tell her, "Look you knew the rules.  You chose not to obey.  You're getting suspended."  Sally becomes angry that she's not getting treated the way her parents taught her that she's supposed to be treated.  Sally goes out into the world.  She knows she's not supposed to do a certain activity at work and chooses to do it anyway.  She's not going to get a thousand warnings and then have it explained thoroughly.  You get a warning and then you get fired.  Period. 

While I am an advocate for teaching children HOW to think, not WHAT to think, I'm also an advocate for teaching children right and wrong.  Your job as a parent is to teach them how to behave so that, as adults, they can lead productive lives.  Can you nurture them?  Of course.  Can you create an environment that nurtures them while still letting them know that wrong is wrong?  Yes.  The idea that it has to be black or white when it comes to discipline is absurd.  There is plenty of gray area.  Perhaps the reason that we have a generation of people so offended by everything is because we created a generation of people that believe that everyone should explain everything and treat them like princesses all of the time.

The point is that I'm not going to tell anyone how to parent or not to parent.  However, you should try to look at the long-term consequences of your parenting choices.