It's an interesting phenomenon, the relationships that occur between divorced couples. It's fascinating in so many ways. In fact, I've decided to cover some of the topics that I consider to be most interesting on the topic in my first blog post of 2016. It only discusses topics that are prevalent to divorced couples with children; however, some might well apply to other divorces as well.
Most states require you (and, in some states, the children) to take a class This class discusses how you should make certain that you're not bad-talking your ex to or around the kids. It discusses ways to handle various situations and how to avoid arguments. It's based on the premise that you are divorcing your spouse but your CHILDREN are not divorcing your spouse. It's claimed that these classes help. I'd really like to see some in-depth studies on how effective these actually are with the adults involved. My life experiences have led me to believe that most of the "students" in these classes simply amplify their own perspective. If you go into it with an eye-rolling, "I don't give a crap" attitude, you will leave with that same attitude. If you go in with a receptive, kind attitude, you will leave with that same attitude. Realistically speaking, bitter divorcees are not going to have their lives transformed with these classes. They are more inclined to behave like a high school senior schlubbing their way through the class that they just took to get the credit: they only pay a little bit of attention and retain none of the information. So why require it? If it's not actually doing any help, why require adults to go through this? The idea is puzzling to me.
The waiting period for a divorce is incredibly long in most states Ok let's be realistic....most couples that file for divorce don't even wait until the divorce is finalized before they begin the process of dating. A prolonged process doesn't stop this and it certainly doesn't normally result in reconciliation. There are always exceptions. I could understand this law applying to those that are listing their reasoning as "irreconcilable differences." If your reason for divorcing is infidelity, abuse, or something of the like, you are very clear about your decision and waiting a year is not going to change that. As the matter of fact, more abuse and infidelity can occur within that year while you are still legally tied to this person. So why is it so prevalent a requirement?
There seem to be three types of divorced couples: 1-Both parties are civil and move on with their lives keeping their children's best interest at heart (rare) 2-1 party is civil and is moving on while the other concerns themselves with "revenge" on their spouse 3-Both parties are maniacal in seeking ways to make the other party miserable. In examples of the first type, BRAVO...no seriously, bravo. You are acting like an adult about the situation and realizing that your marriage didn't work and you made a conscious decision to change your status while still focusing your attention on your children. You're awesome. In examples of type 2, I am speaking specifically to the civil party when I say "hang in there." Don't worry about what your ex is saying. It says more about them than you. In examples of type 3, you are the most puzzling to me. Why? Why do you still feel the need to seek "revenge?" You got divorced so you didn't have to be tied to them, yet you're tying yourself to them in every single instance where you spend your time and effort to do something just to make them mad. Why would you even bother?
The people that feel the most concerned with pointing out that their ex-spouse is the psychopath is usually the one most concerned with people discovering their own actions. If you are walking around doing nothing but trash talking your ex 24/7, you are just as much of a problem as they are. If you are spending your time hiring private investigators to out their indiscretions, you are just as much of a problem as they are. If you are spending all of your time telling your remaining friends how big of an ass they are, you are the problem too. If you truly believed their actions are awful, you'd let them speak for themselves instead of feeling the need to run behind them, sweeping up the scraps of bitterness and showing them off to everyone.
Making your friends and family pick sides This is another one I don't fully understand. I didn't want or care if my family or friends picked sides in my divorce. In fact, I just didn't choose to discuss many of the details. It was a private matter. Those that sprawl the details of their divorce out to any friend or family member that will listen seem more, to me, like they're looking for attention than advice. It's designed to rally the troops and it's nonsense. It's one thing to confide in your nearest and dearest. Honestly, those people probably already knew there were problems beforehand anyway. It's another thing to fill people's newsfeed with status updates that give vague attention-seeking details of your private affairs. It's juvenile and ridiculous.
and finally....
The idea that EVERYTHING your ex does is a stab at you. It seems that there's often one (or both) party that believes that everything their ex does is stab at them. If she (and I'm only using the feminine pronoun as an example) wants a later pickup one day, it has to be to inconvenience you and not because she had an errand to run and thought you might want more time with the kids. If she takes the kids to a movie, it has to be that she's doing it just to make sure you can't see it with them first and not because she wanted to do something fun with them. If she pays off a bill, it has to be because she's just trying to dig at you and not because she worked her ass off to make enough money to pay for something. If she is happy dating someone else, she must be trying to make you jealous and not moving on with her life. This one is most fascinating of all to me. Dr Phil says that you wouldn't worry so much about what people thought of you if you knew how little they did and I think this applies in spades to divorcees that suffer from this complex. If she IS dating someone else to get back at you, do yourself a favor and ignore it. If she's taking them to movies first just to bug you, find something else you can do to bond with your kids and ignore it. Stop turning everything into an agitated response and the thrill will disappear for the few that are actually doing this. In most cases, though, they're just moving on with their lives and doing the best they can.
Having been through a divorce (and being a child of divorce), I have experience of my own on these topics but watching friends and family divorce has given me ample opportunity to observe this phenomenon. My suggestion to divorcees is this: Put your kids first, do the best you can to take care of them and understand that things are going to be very different but they don't have to be argumentative and evil.
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