10 Things I Wish My Mom Had Told Me

My mom and I are not exceptionally close at all.  Because of this, I make it a point to be there for my girls (and my boys) and hope that they are learning how to be young ladies with strong minds and good hearts.  That said, there are 10 things I wish my Mom had told me.

1-It's Okay to Say "No".  We were taught to be obedient, which I'm grateful for.  However, when I was having issues with things, my mom always wanted me to be pleasant.  She didn't teach me to say, "No that's not acceptable behavior."  It took years to learn this and develop a backbone enough to say it.  I'm trying to teach my girls now.

2- It's Okay to Be Alone.  One of the greatest messages I learned in my adult life is that it's okay to be alone because I'm happy with myself.  I wish she'd have taught me this earlier on but maybe she wasn't secure with herself either.

3-It's Okay to Be Different.  When everyone was getting perms, my mom got me a perm.  She was so concerned with keeping up with everyone else that I thought that's how people lived...until I became an adult.  I find, now, that the more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more comfortable you are with the idea that you're different.

4-It's Okay to Be Overwhelmed Sometimes.  When my kids were first born, I always got this feeling off of my mom that I needed to do everything.  She'd always tell me, "You're like me.  I always did everything myself too."  Whether that was true or not, I don't know.  What I do know is that feeling like I had to do it myself had to a major meltdown in my adult life that required counseling to get past.

5- It's Okay to Be Hated.  The truth is that this is one of the hardest things I ever had to learn in my adult years.  It's okay for someone to hate you.  It doesn't mean you have to trash talk them.  It doesn't mean you have to be angry or sad.  Sometimes people just won't like you.  It's generally more about them than you.

6-It's Okay to Fight Back.  My older sister used to torture the crap out of me as a kid.  She was really mean to me a whole lot of the time.  My parents attempted to punish her to get her to stop but it never really did.  Instead of teaching me to fight back and HOW to fight back, I was taught to just tell someone.  Later on in life when I was dealing with abuse, I tried to tell someone and it did no good.  I wish I'd have learned to fight back and how to do that.

7-It's Okay to Love Your Children Differently.  Note that I didn't say "more" but "differently."  Reality is that you will sometimes connect with one child easier than the other because they share common interests.  Maybe one of your children is more stubborn or standoffish while the other is a cuddly, easy-going child.  Maybe it's about something else.  It's okay to love your children in different ways as long as you love em as much as you can.  In fact, different kids (and people, in general) have different love languages anyway.

8-It's Okay to Let Your Kids Fail.  This refers more to adult kids than anything else and is much more true of my older sister's relationship with my mom.  My mom had her very young and has a hard time seeing her fail, which I believe stems back to an idea that if my sister fails, my mom has failed as a parent.  My Dad, on the other hand, was big on letting us fall down.  He was always there to pick me up but he knew that letting me fail was the best way to let me experience life and learn how to avoid the same mistake.

9-It's Okay to Love Something and Not Do It 24/7.  My mom pushed and pushed me with dance. I loved it and I still do but it came to a point where it was more about her than me.  At that time, my dad and I talked and I decided to quit.  Did I miss it sometimes?  Of course.  Did I miss the overwhelming pressure of trying to keep up with that and school and activities?  No way.  In some situations, trying to do what you love 24/7 makes you end up feeling more like it's a job than a passion.  It's okay to set limits.

10-It's Okay to Love Without Concern for Others Opinions.  This is the one that has been the hardest lesson for me.  Others opinions have deeply affected my relationship with my mother and it took me years of feeling like it was my fault before I began to realize that it isn't about me.  It's about her.  If you truly feel in your heart that you love someone and you've prayed and thought about it and it is still in your heart, you shouldn't let others' opinions phase you.  You should be thankful that you have someone to love.

Of course, these are only my opinions and there are a great number of things that my mom did wonderfully.  I suspect that some of the things she didn't tell me were due to the fact that she didn't feel them inside herself; maybe she still doesn't.  The fact is that instead of "giving my kids more" in terms of things so they can "have a better life than I did," my focus is on giving my kids knowledge, independence and the ability to learn to do whatever they want to do.  You see, THAT'S how I want to give them a better life.  Improve on what's already working, so to speak.