When I was talking to my teenage daughter earlier today, I realized that an idea that I'd had years ago was finally confirmed. The idea? It's simple really. I believe that too many studies and articles and books by famous doctors have us all on edge and it can actually make you into a worse parent. Before you jump down my throat for the theory, understand that it's just a theory of mine. I don't hold it to be absolute fact and I don't force it down other people's throats. I simply present the idea as a piece of information to get you to open your mind to other ideas. If you disagree, fine. If you agree, fine. If you're somewhere in between, even better. It means that you are wrapping your own ideas, opinions and experiences into the concept which means that it hasn't taught you WHAT to think, but is encouraging you HOW to think (for yourself.). Here's the evidence I cite to back up my theory....
Since the early 80s, the market for parenting books has grown by leaps and bounds. The intention is good enough. We are all reading them trying to be better parents. I'm a big advocate of the "knowledge is power" concept. Ultimately, the reader thinks that if they want to be an engineer, they'd study engineering books; therefore, if they want to be a good parent, they will read parenting books. It makes sense in theory but not as much in practice. Why? There are several reasons. One of these reasons is that every book has a different approach and if you tried to exercise every single approach, you'd never be able to do anything else. Another reason is that every child is different and requires different approaches. Yet another reason is that a whole lot of people (a large proportion of them women) tend to focus their attention on following every single detail to a tee instead of using the book as a jumping off point. In my opinion, these books are written with the intention of giving you something to think about. No rational doctor would assume that their way is the only way to handle a situation. The books are designed to give you some ideas, approaches that might help you get the result you're seeking. They are not necessarily designed to be a how-to manual that guarantees your child will sleep through the night.
Reality TV is unrealistic. I admit it: shows like "Super Nanny" are terribly interesting to me. The reason is simple. It is interesting to see a different approach to a problem. Once again, this is a case of people tending to believe that it's a how-to manual instead of an idea on how to try. These shows are not a guaranteed result. Reality TV is anything but reality. It's edited to make it appear more dramatic, eye-catching and fun. What you see is not always what you get. Shows like that would have you believe that a time out rug will solve all that ails you because it skips all of the other work that she did with them.
Social media....oy. I always say that you should take parenting advice with a grain of salt. When you factor in the number of people that know absolutely nothing about you or your family on social media, it's a nightmare. People on social media tend to hide behind their keyboards. Half of the people that give advice on parenting sites aren't even parents and, let's face it, you don't know what parenting is like until you're a parent. You can be a nanny, teacher, day care provider, babysitter or anything else and it doesn't equal up to experiences as a parent.
Add in the advice you get in person, articles you read in magazines and a million other factors and it's complete over stimulation. You're bombarded by a thousand different ideas, approaches and parenting plans. Like just about any other kind of over stimulation, your mind eventually starts to shut down. You start to wonder if you're doing enough, doing it right. You start to question if you should be putting them in more activities, forcing them to learn to read earlier, or making them sit in car seats until the prom. Frankly, studies seem to change approaches constantly (enter sleep on their tummies, no their backs, no their sides, no their backs...bumpers, no bumpers, breathable bumpers...on and on and on). Parents are left wondering what the heck they're supposed to do NOW!?! We constantly feel like we're running on this treadmill that keeps getting the incline increased without being given any warning. So what's the answer?
You probably think I'm gonna tell you some no-fail approach? Nope. Instead, I'm going to tell you this: you already know how to do it. People were parenting for thousands of years before and never had a book. They listened to advice and tried to do their best. You'll make mistakes and that's okay. You'll have great victories and you should celebrate them like the biggest party you can. Your kid will throw tantrums and he/she will back talk sometimes. Just do the best that you can and stop paying so much attention to your friends' kids, your nieces and nephews or celebrity kids (frankly, my least favorite comparison). Maybe your kid will love sports and maybe they'll hate them and love books or maybe they'll love both. Maybe they'll love homework and maybe they'll hate it. Maybe they'll be a loner and maybe they'll have dozens of friends. All kids are different and all parents are different too.
So my advice is this: Keep trying and focus on just loving them. Do the best you can to help them become productive members of society and know that every parent is dealing with struggles themselves, even if they're good at hiding them. You're doing a good job. Keep your chin up.
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