Favoritism

I'd like to talk a little bit today about favoritism in families.  I know, I know...I don't have a favorite, right?  I love all of my kids equally.  Yes, yes, of course you do.  No one is denying your love for your children.  Parents innately love their children with a passion like  no other and I honestly believe parents when they say that they do not love one child more than the other.  Favoritism isn't about love...it's about other things.  I think, to some extent, all parents have a favorite even if they won't admit it.  Some are more clear about it than others.  With that being said, let's cover some of the causes for favoritism in families.

Like-ability  This is a pretty simple and self-explanatory concept yet one that parents feel guilty admitting.  Some children are a more challenging personality than others.  Some are more easy-going and happy.  Whichever one of those suits your personality, you're going to like more.  Think about when you choose your friends: do you pick people that you know are hard to get along with?  Of course not!  You choose the people that mesh with your personality...the people that you like more.

More in Common This refers strictly to interests, not personality.  In fact, like personalities often clash to the nth degree.  I'm referring to interests alone.  If you're into sports and one of your children is into sports, you're more likely to hang out with them more which would result in you being closer.  It's not that you can't spend time with your other children at all.  It's just that, again, much like when you pick your friends, you choose people that you have things in common with.

Self-identification  Let's be really honest here.  If you're an oldest child, you can often identify with the hardships that come with being the oldest.  If you're the youngest, you can identify with the often unfair parts of being the youngest.  If you're a middle child, you can identify with the internal bickering that comes with being a middle child.  The fact is that no matter WHAT your position in your family is, you're going to naturally identify more with someone in the same birth order.

Circumstances of their Pregnancy/Birth, etc  Maybe you had a difficult time conceiving and had to work extra hard.  Maybe you knew this would be your last pregnancy or you even got a surprise when you found out you were pregnant.  Maybe you had an exceptionally special pregnancy or birth process with a certain child.  Then again (on the negative side) maybe someone died during your pregnancy or you had a difficult pregnancy.  Maybe you went through a divorce or some traumatic event during your pregnancy.  Circumstances can ultimately affect how you view someone.

and finally....

Need  All children need their parents.  That's not my argument.  My argument is that some children experience life-changing illnesses or accidents.  They NEED their parents undivided attention during these times.  Some children experience mental or emotional trauma.  They NEED their parents during these times more than ever.  Some children have special needs in general.  They NEED their parents more.  It's not about children that are just high maintenance in general.  This is about children that needed their parents undivided attention for a specific cause.

Now here's the irony: Parents that are unwilling to admit that they have a favorite are usually ones that have the most extreme behavior related to it.  For a parent that freely admits it, they've identified the "problem" and are more likely to make concessions to spend more time with the children they don't favor.  Admitting that you have a "problem" is the first step, after all.  For parents that aren't willing to admit this favoritism, they generally compensate one of two ways: extreme attention to the child or extreme attention to another child.  Let me explain.

If you know on some level that you favor a child but you don't want to outwardly admit it, you might take it to the opposite extreme.  People around you see the favoritism and have probably said something to you about it.  In your desire to "prove them wrong", you will often treat the unfavored child like a tiny saint.  You'll cater to them in insane ways.  Unfortunately, these children often identify the behavior you're choosing and choose their own compensation....they compensate for your overwhelming urge to treat them like a saint by acting like a demanding little patron.  They become unable to do things on their own.  They become dependent on being the center of attention.  They often develop anger or bitterness toward the favored sibling and they will NOT let you forget that you "like them better."

If you are just completely unaware of your favoritism (which I find unlikely.  It's more likely that you're in denial completely), you're apt to favor the child in clear and obvious ways.  You spend more time with them, don't discipline them for the same behavior a sibling has been disciplined for, help them more, buy them more....it's abundantly clear.  Ironically this can be a first step before a parent switches to the aforementioned compensation.

So what's the answer?  The answer is to just be the best parent you can be.   Make an effort to connect with each of your kids in the best way you see fit and learn about their interests.  In the long run, it may end up saving a relationship.