So you're the proud parent of a new baby boy. Congratulations. You're in for the ride of your life. It's likely to be the most rough and tumble, silly, smelly, but absolutely fun time of your life...and you'll probably love every single minute. I want to preface this article with a disclaimer: of course this does not apply to every single boy. I don't make myself out to be some sort of expert (though I'm not sure that some of the experts are really experts either in any way but "on paper") and this blog is for entertainment purposes only. So here goes....
Pee Pee Prepare yourself....no seriously prepare yourself. It's starts early. Baby boys are infamous for peeing in your face when you're changing their diaper. Baby stores now sell products like Pee Pee Tee-Pees that "protect" you. However you prepare yourself, be ready. It begins at birth. As they get older, they use that little fire hose to spray everywhere. Unless you teach your son to pee sitting down, prepare yourself. It's probably going to end up on the toilet seat at least once...and that's if you're lucky. More likely, you'll be cleaning urine off the seat, lid, wall, floor and anywhere else you can imagine...and some places you never would think. Prepare yourself to use the phrase, "How in the world did he get pee there?"
Farting Flatulence, fart, gas, toot, pookie, the list of names goes on and on. Let me make this simple: boys think this is hilarious. It starts young and it never goes away. Prepare yourself for the wafting scent of poo as you open a door and say, "Good Lord!" It's bad...and they think it's hilarious. One fart can send them into hysterical laughter for days...and it doesn't even have to be their own.
Messy Handwriting. I actually have one son that blows this handwriting thing out of the water. The other one is a "typical boy" with it. Boys have a hard time writing neatly. Their large motor skills often develop earlier than their small motor skills so it may take years for them to develop better handwriting, assuming they desire to do so.
High Energy Most little boys are high energy 24/7. They seem to be alert even when they're sleeping, at time. They can run for hours and, my recommendation is that you start young letting them run off their energy instead of putting them in front of an electronic to keep them still. Let them develop those muscles. Let them use what God gave them.
No Fear. Most little boys seem to have no fear whatsoever. Seriously. They'll jump off of anything on to anything. Stitches start early and x rays become the norm. You want to wrap them in bubble wrap just to prevent them from getting another bump, bruise, or boo boo.
These are just my personal top five "be ready" statements for a boy. Boys also bring with them a myriad of great qualities. They are bright, imaginative, funny, and they give incredible hugs. Whatever you son shows characteristics of, you're in for the ride of your life. Hold on tight and have a blast. They're only little for so long.
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Walk A Mile in Their Shoes
There is an abundance of expressions that tell us not to judge others until we've looked at it from their perspective (or "from their shoes"). It seems like a simple enough concept. In fact, it seems like it should be second nature given the entitlement epidemic that goes on. You don't want anyone to judge you or tell you how to live your life, right? The question is this: do you exercise that same kindness to others? Do you practice what you preach when it comes to not being judgmental and cruel when you look at others?
I find that there seems to be a bit of a "prejudice" (definition: preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience) against both wealthy people and homeless people. For whatever reason, people feel the need to look down their noses at how wealthy people spend their money. For whatever reason, people feel the need to look down their noses at homeless people and assume that they are simply looking for money for booze or drugs. For whatever reason, single moms are looked down on for being single moms (or dads, for that matter) and divorced couples are looked down on for "giving up." All this and more by the very same people that don't want people judging them. The irony drips from the whole thing.
One of the biggest social media examples I've seen, of late, is the meme that talks about the fact that Joel Osteen has a big house, preaches in a big church and yet there are still homeless people/hungry children. The indication is that Joel Osteen should be living like a pauper because Jesus didn't live a wealthy life. The indication is that Joel Osteen shouldn't be allowed to experience success because he's a pauper. The indication is that Joel Osteen living in an apartment would somehow solve the hunger crisis. All of this "shared" over and over on social media by people that wouldn't even stop on a road side to give a homeless man a sandwich. All of this "shared" by people who don't donate anywhere near as large a percentage of their income as Joel Osteen does. All of this "shared" by people that don't want anyone in their pocket telling them how to spend their money or forcing it on them. When it's brought up to them that they're being judgmental, they get defensive and say that it's not the same thing....except it is.
There are a whole lot of wealthy people who have worked hard and spent a lot of time on their knees praying to get where they are. They DO give and, more than that, they spread the word of God to millions that wouldn't hear it otherwise. On the other side of it, there are a whole lot of homeless people who aren't on drugs or drinking themselves into a stupor. Before you pass judgment on either of these, you should consider that you don't know their story. Before you pass judgment on anyone for how they live their lives, perhaps you should walk a mile in their shoes and attempt to understand. Even better than that, if you are not going to actively contribute to the problem, maybe you shouldn't comment at all.
I find that there seems to be a bit of a "prejudice" (definition: preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience) against both wealthy people and homeless people. For whatever reason, people feel the need to look down their noses at how wealthy people spend their money. For whatever reason, people feel the need to look down their noses at homeless people and assume that they are simply looking for money for booze or drugs. For whatever reason, single moms are looked down on for being single moms (or dads, for that matter) and divorced couples are looked down on for "giving up." All this and more by the very same people that don't want people judging them. The irony drips from the whole thing.
One of the biggest social media examples I've seen, of late, is the meme that talks about the fact that Joel Osteen has a big house, preaches in a big church and yet there are still homeless people/hungry children. The indication is that Joel Osteen should be living like a pauper because Jesus didn't live a wealthy life. The indication is that Joel Osteen shouldn't be allowed to experience success because he's a pauper. The indication is that Joel Osteen living in an apartment would somehow solve the hunger crisis. All of this "shared" over and over on social media by people that wouldn't even stop on a road side to give a homeless man a sandwich. All of this "shared" by people who don't donate anywhere near as large a percentage of their income as Joel Osteen does. All of this "shared" by people that don't want anyone in their pocket telling them how to spend their money or forcing it on them. When it's brought up to them that they're being judgmental, they get defensive and say that it's not the same thing....except it is.
There are a whole lot of wealthy people who have worked hard and spent a lot of time on their knees praying to get where they are. They DO give and, more than that, they spread the word of God to millions that wouldn't hear it otherwise. On the other side of it, there are a whole lot of homeless people who aren't on drugs or drinking themselves into a stupor. Before you pass judgment on either of these, you should consider that you don't know their story. Before you pass judgment on anyone for how they live their lives, perhaps you should walk a mile in their shoes and attempt to understand. Even better than that, if you are not going to actively contribute to the problem, maybe you shouldn't comment at all.
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Educate Yourself and Vote
In this election year, I want to take a moment to discuss what I view as the most important factor in the voting process: educating yourself. I, personally, am an independent voter. Quite honestly, I feel that both parties are relatively corrupt at this point and that they are spending more time trying to advance their own agendas than worrying about the state of our country. With that being said, I'm not going to take this opportunity to promote a specific candidate. I'm not going to tell you the pros and cons of a specific party or why someone's ideas are nonsense. That's not what this post is about. What I'm going to tell you is that voting IS important. If you've been led to believe that it isn't, read about it. Read about how you can truly affect the nation and how one voice, one vote can be combined into millions and change the state of our country that is currently struggling so hard. What I'm going to tell you is that you need to read up. Don't just read articles from one mainstream media site but read all different perspectives. The media spins things so severely that it's hard to get any real information. Read, read and read some more about what these candidates have done, are planning to do, believe in and so on. Look at all different news sources and read the opinions of those talking about the topics, even if you don't agree. Get as many perspectives as you can and then MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION! Educate yourself on how you want our country to look and find the candidate that matches most closely. Don't just look at the promises they're making but look at how they can achieve them, what kind of money will be spent and how that will affect you. Remember that nothing is free so ask the questions that need to be asked...how is this going to be paid for and how will this affect our economy and my tax dollars. Look at the big picture and how other countries are working under similarly-viewed individuals. Educate yourself fully and then make a choice. Let's make our country great again!
A Powerful Message on the Positive Way we Discuss Disability
http://themighty.com/2015/11/teen-wants-to-change-the-positive-way-we-talk-about-disability/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Mighty_Page&utm_campaign=DISABILITY
This. This is an article and blog post about the way we talk about disability and I couldn't love it more. (I don't own the rights to it, get proceeds from it, etc.) This young woman nails it. She has a powerful message that makes you rethink the way that you "speak positively" about disability. She discusses how she we, in essence, belittle disabled persons by calling every little thing they do inspirational. She discusses how we shouldn't be so focused on applauding every little role on TV or article that a disabled person is in, but instead that we should be focusing on making it so common that it's normal. She makes a number of amazing points but here is my favorite:
Political correctness is making everyone so afraid of offending people that we're afraid to ask questions and start a conversation (It's not an exact quote but it sums it up pretty well).
I agree. We should be able to have a discussion and ask questions. Knowledge is power. We will never learn about a person's disability if we don't ask. If we don't learn about it, we have no way of knowing what we could do to ACTUALLY try to help. We should be asking the questions that really matter. We should be asking about how the disease (or whatever caused the disability) is diagnosed so we can encourage awareness and early intervention where possible. We should be asking how the disease (etc) affects them personally so we know where can start in finding ways to assist them in doing things just as able bodied persons do (She uses an example of a make up artist that nails it). Instead of being afraid to ask, we need to understand that we can't ACTUALLY help the disabled community until we know how we can help. More importantly, no one can tell us HOW we can help better than the people who live this life on a daily basis.
Disabilities come in all shapes, sizes, forms, and severities. Let's take this girl's message and run with it. Let's ask the questions and find ways to truly talk about disability in a positive way.
This. This is an article and blog post about the way we talk about disability and I couldn't love it more. (I don't own the rights to it, get proceeds from it, etc.) This young woman nails it. She has a powerful message that makes you rethink the way that you "speak positively" about disability. She discusses how she we, in essence, belittle disabled persons by calling every little thing they do inspirational. She discusses how we shouldn't be so focused on applauding every little role on TV or article that a disabled person is in, but instead that we should be focusing on making it so common that it's normal. She makes a number of amazing points but here is my favorite:
Political correctness is making everyone so afraid of offending people that we're afraid to ask questions and start a conversation (It's not an exact quote but it sums it up pretty well).
I agree. We should be able to have a discussion and ask questions. Knowledge is power. We will never learn about a person's disability if we don't ask. If we don't learn about it, we have no way of knowing what we could do to ACTUALLY try to help. We should be asking the questions that really matter. We should be asking about how the disease (or whatever caused the disability) is diagnosed so we can encourage awareness and early intervention where possible. We should be asking how the disease (etc) affects them personally so we know where can start in finding ways to assist them in doing things just as able bodied persons do (She uses an example of a make up artist that nails it). Instead of being afraid to ask, we need to understand that we can't ACTUALLY help the disabled community until we know how we can help. More importantly, no one can tell us HOW we can help better than the people who live this life on a daily basis.
Disabilities come in all shapes, sizes, forms, and severities. Let's take this girl's message and run with it. Let's ask the questions and find ways to truly talk about disability in a positive way.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Resolutions
Everyone is busy making resolutions right now and the simple fact is that a whole lot of resolutions don't stick and with good reason. The reason that everyone tries to jump in with both feet and no life jacket. You go in with no swimming lessons and a good portion of people go in with weights on their ankles. In other words, you're heading into a resolution without a plan. Reaching a goal is seldom able to be achieved while flying by the seat of your pants.
I'd like to offer a simple piece of advice that applies to more than just resolutions: just take it one day at a time. Set small achievable goals that will help you achieve your larger goal. For instance, if your goal is to lose weight, set a goal weight/size and then small achievable goals with rewards. Every time you reach a goal, set up a reward. Instead of trying to only eat healthy food with no treats at all, set realistic goals and understand that flexibility may be required.
The goals I've heard most commonly are to (1) lose weight, (2) get out of debt and (3) exercise more. There will be loads of penny pinching, gym goers and produce being bought for the first month but it will start to wane off. It seems that people get so caught up in their goals that they think if they have bad days, they've failed. You haven't failed until you give up. Keep plugging away. Keep working toward your goal. Reward. Surround yourself with people that encourage you and know that you CAN do it. You're stronger than you know. You're tougher than you think and you're capable of more than you can imagine. Keep your chin up.
I'd like to offer a simple piece of advice that applies to more than just resolutions: just take it one day at a time. Set small achievable goals that will help you achieve your larger goal. For instance, if your goal is to lose weight, set a goal weight/size and then small achievable goals with rewards. Every time you reach a goal, set up a reward. Instead of trying to only eat healthy food with no treats at all, set realistic goals and understand that flexibility may be required.
The goals I've heard most commonly are to (1) lose weight, (2) get out of debt and (3) exercise more. There will be loads of penny pinching, gym goers and produce being bought for the first month but it will start to wane off. It seems that people get so caught up in their goals that they think if they have bad days, they've failed. You haven't failed until you give up. Keep plugging away. Keep working toward your goal. Reward. Surround yourself with people that encourage you and know that you CAN do it. You're stronger than you know. You're tougher than you think and you're capable of more than you can imagine. Keep your chin up.
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Parenting Books Are Making Us Crazy
When I was talking to my teenage daughter earlier today, I realized that an idea that I'd had years ago was finally confirmed. The idea? It's simple really. I believe that too many studies and articles and books by famous doctors have us all on edge and it can actually make you into a worse parent. Before you jump down my throat for the theory, understand that it's just a theory of mine. I don't hold it to be absolute fact and I don't force it down other people's throats. I simply present the idea as a piece of information to get you to open your mind to other ideas. If you disagree, fine. If you agree, fine. If you're somewhere in between, even better. It means that you are wrapping your own ideas, opinions and experiences into the concept which means that it hasn't taught you WHAT to think, but is encouraging you HOW to think (for yourself.). Here's the evidence I cite to back up my theory....
Since the early 80s, the market for parenting books has grown by leaps and bounds. The intention is good enough. We are all reading them trying to be better parents. I'm a big advocate of the "knowledge is power" concept. Ultimately, the reader thinks that if they want to be an engineer, they'd study engineering books; therefore, if they want to be a good parent, they will read parenting books. It makes sense in theory but not as much in practice. Why? There are several reasons. One of these reasons is that every book has a different approach and if you tried to exercise every single approach, you'd never be able to do anything else. Another reason is that every child is different and requires different approaches. Yet another reason is that a whole lot of people (a large proportion of them women) tend to focus their attention on following every single detail to a tee instead of using the book as a jumping off point. In my opinion, these books are written with the intention of giving you something to think about. No rational doctor would assume that their way is the only way to handle a situation. The books are designed to give you some ideas, approaches that might help you get the result you're seeking. They are not necessarily designed to be a how-to manual that guarantees your child will sleep through the night.
Reality TV is unrealistic. I admit it: shows like "Super Nanny" are terribly interesting to me. The reason is simple. It is interesting to see a different approach to a problem. Once again, this is a case of people tending to believe that it's a how-to manual instead of an idea on how to try. These shows are not a guaranteed result. Reality TV is anything but reality. It's edited to make it appear more dramatic, eye-catching and fun. What you see is not always what you get. Shows like that would have you believe that a time out rug will solve all that ails you because it skips all of the other work that she did with them.
Social media....oy. I always say that you should take parenting advice with a grain of salt. When you factor in the number of people that know absolutely nothing about you or your family on social media, it's a nightmare. People on social media tend to hide behind their keyboards. Half of the people that give advice on parenting sites aren't even parents and, let's face it, you don't know what parenting is like until you're a parent. You can be a nanny, teacher, day care provider, babysitter or anything else and it doesn't equal up to experiences as a parent.
Add in the advice you get in person, articles you read in magazines and a million other factors and it's complete over stimulation. You're bombarded by a thousand different ideas, approaches and parenting plans. Like just about any other kind of over stimulation, your mind eventually starts to shut down. You start to wonder if you're doing enough, doing it right. You start to question if you should be putting them in more activities, forcing them to learn to read earlier, or making them sit in car seats until the prom. Frankly, studies seem to change approaches constantly (enter sleep on their tummies, no their backs, no their sides, no their backs...bumpers, no bumpers, breathable bumpers...on and on and on). Parents are left wondering what the heck they're supposed to do NOW!?! We constantly feel like we're running on this treadmill that keeps getting the incline increased without being given any warning. So what's the answer?
You probably think I'm gonna tell you some no-fail approach? Nope. Instead, I'm going to tell you this: you already know how to do it. People were parenting for thousands of years before and never had a book. They listened to advice and tried to do their best. You'll make mistakes and that's okay. You'll have great victories and you should celebrate them like the biggest party you can. Your kid will throw tantrums and he/she will back talk sometimes. Just do the best that you can and stop paying so much attention to your friends' kids, your nieces and nephews or celebrity kids (frankly, my least favorite comparison). Maybe your kid will love sports and maybe they'll hate them and love books or maybe they'll love both. Maybe they'll love homework and maybe they'll hate it. Maybe they'll be a loner and maybe they'll have dozens of friends. All kids are different and all parents are different too.
So my advice is this: Keep trying and focus on just loving them. Do the best you can to help them become productive members of society and know that every parent is dealing with struggles themselves, even if they're good at hiding them. You're doing a good job. Keep your chin up.
Since the early 80s, the market for parenting books has grown by leaps and bounds. The intention is good enough. We are all reading them trying to be better parents. I'm a big advocate of the "knowledge is power" concept. Ultimately, the reader thinks that if they want to be an engineer, they'd study engineering books; therefore, if they want to be a good parent, they will read parenting books. It makes sense in theory but not as much in practice. Why? There are several reasons. One of these reasons is that every book has a different approach and if you tried to exercise every single approach, you'd never be able to do anything else. Another reason is that every child is different and requires different approaches. Yet another reason is that a whole lot of people (a large proportion of them women) tend to focus their attention on following every single detail to a tee instead of using the book as a jumping off point. In my opinion, these books are written with the intention of giving you something to think about. No rational doctor would assume that their way is the only way to handle a situation. The books are designed to give you some ideas, approaches that might help you get the result you're seeking. They are not necessarily designed to be a how-to manual that guarantees your child will sleep through the night.
Reality TV is unrealistic. I admit it: shows like "Super Nanny" are terribly interesting to me. The reason is simple. It is interesting to see a different approach to a problem. Once again, this is a case of people tending to believe that it's a how-to manual instead of an idea on how to try. These shows are not a guaranteed result. Reality TV is anything but reality. It's edited to make it appear more dramatic, eye-catching and fun. What you see is not always what you get. Shows like that would have you believe that a time out rug will solve all that ails you because it skips all of the other work that she did with them.
Social media....oy. I always say that you should take parenting advice with a grain of salt. When you factor in the number of people that know absolutely nothing about you or your family on social media, it's a nightmare. People on social media tend to hide behind their keyboards. Half of the people that give advice on parenting sites aren't even parents and, let's face it, you don't know what parenting is like until you're a parent. You can be a nanny, teacher, day care provider, babysitter or anything else and it doesn't equal up to experiences as a parent.
Add in the advice you get in person, articles you read in magazines and a million other factors and it's complete over stimulation. You're bombarded by a thousand different ideas, approaches and parenting plans. Like just about any other kind of over stimulation, your mind eventually starts to shut down. You start to wonder if you're doing enough, doing it right. You start to question if you should be putting them in more activities, forcing them to learn to read earlier, or making them sit in car seats until the prom. Frankly, studies seem to change approaches constantly (enter sleep on their tummies, no their backs, no their sides, no their backs...bumpers, no bumpers, breathable bumpers...on and on and on). Parents are left wondering what the heck they're supposed to do NOW!?! We constantly feel like we're running on this treadmill that keeps getting the incline increased without being given any warning. So what's the answer?
You probably think I'm gonna tell you some no-fail approach? Nope. Instead, I'm going to tell you this: you already know how to do it. People were parenting for thousands of years before and never had a book. They listened to advice and tried to do their best. You'll make mistakes and that's okay. You'll have great victories and you should celebrate them like the biggest party you can. Your kid will throw tantrums and he/she will back talk sometimes. Just do the best that you can and stop paying so much attention to your friends' kids, your nieces and nephews or celebrity kids (frankly, my least favorite comparison). Maybe your kid will love sports and maybe they'll hate them and love books or maybe they'll love both. Maybe they'll love homework and maybe they'll hate it. Maybe they'll be a loner and maybe they'll have dozens of friends. All kids are different and all parents are different too.
So my advice is this: Keep trying and focus on just loving them. Do the best you can to help them become productive members of society and know that every parent is dealing with struggles themselves, even if they're good at hiding them. You're doing a good job. Keep your chin up.
The Divorce Phenomenon
It's an interesting phenomenon, the relationships that occur between divorced couples. It's fascinating in so many ways. In fact, I've decided to cover some of the topics that I consider to be most interesting on the topic in my first blog post of 2016. It only discusses topics that are prevalent to divorced couples with children; however, some might well apply to other divorces as well.
Most states require you (and, in some states, the children) to take a class This class discusses how you should make certain that you're not bad-talking your ex to or around the kids. It discusses ways to handle various situations and how to avoid arguments. It's based on the premise that you are divorcing your spouse but your CHILDREN are not divorcing your spouse. It's claimed that these classes help. I'd really like to see some in-depth studies on how effective these actually are with the adults involved. My life experiences have led me to believe that most of the "students" in these classes simply amplify their own perspective. If you go into it with an eye-rolling, "I don't give a crap" attitude, you will leave with that same attitude. If you go in with a receptive, kind attitude, you will leave with that same attitude. Realistically speaking, bitter divorcees are not going to have their lives transformed with these classes. They are more inclined to behave like a high school senior schlubbing their way through the class that they just took to get the credit: they only pay a little bit of attention and retain none of the information. So why require it? If it's not actually doing any help, why require adults to go through this? The idea is puzzling to me.
The waiting period for a divorce is incredibly long in most states Ok let's be realistic....most couples that file for divorce don't even wait until the divorce is finalized before they begin the process of dating. A prolonged process doesn't stop this and it certainly doesn't normally result in reconciliation. There are always exceptions. I could understand this law applying to those that are listing their reasoning as "irreconcilable differences." If your reason for divorcing is infidelity, abuse, or something of the like, you are very clear about your decision and waiting a year is not going to change that. As the matter of fact, more abuse and infidelity can occur within that year while you are still legally tied to this person. So why is it so prevalent a requirement?
There seem to be three types of divorced couples: 1-Both parties are civil and move on with their lives keeping their children's best interest at heart (rare) 2-1 party is civil and is moving on while the other concerns themselves with "revenge" on their spouse 3-Both parties are maniacal in seeking ways to make the other party miserable. In examples of the first type, BRAVO...no seriously, bravo. You are acting like an adult about the situation and realizing that your marriage didn't work and you made a conscious decision to change your status while still focusing your attention on your children. You're awesome. In examples of type 2, I am speaking specifically to the civil party when I say "hang in there." Don't worry about what your ex is saying. It says more about them than you. In examples of type 3, you are the most puzzling to me. Why? Why do you still feel the need to seek "revenge?" You got divorced so you didn't have to be tied to them, yet you're tying yourself to them in every single instance where you spend your time and effort to do something just to make them mad. Why would you even bother?
The people that feel the most concerned with pointing out that their ex-spouse is the psychopath is usually the one most concerned with people discovering their own actions. If you are walking around doing nothing but trash talking your ex 24/7, you are just as much of a problem as they are. If you are spending your time hiring private investigators to out their indiscretions, you are just as much of a problem as they are. If you are spending all of your time telling your remaining friends how big of an ass they are, you are the problem too. If you truly believed their actions are awful, you'd let them speak for themselves instead of feeling the need to run behind them, sweeping up the scraps of bitterness and showing them off to everyone.
Making your friends and family pick sides This is another one I don't fully understand. I didn't want or care if my family or friends picked sides in my divorce. In fact, I just didn't choose to discuss many of the details. It was a private matter. Those that sprawl the details of their divorce out to any friend or family member that will listen seem more, to me, like they're looking for attention than advice. It's designed to rally the troops and it's nonsense. It's one thing to confide in your nearest and dearest. Honestly, those people probably already knew there were problems beforehand anyway. It's another thing to fill people's newsfeed with status updates that give vague attention-seeking details of your private affairs. It's juvenile and ridiculous.
and finally....
The idea that EVERYTHING your ex does is a stab at you. It seems that there's often one (or both) party that believes that everything their ex does is stab at them. If she (and I'm only using the feminine pronoun as an example) wants a later pickup one day, it has to be to inconvenience you and not because she had an errand to run and thought you might want more time with the kids. If she takes the kids to a movie, it has to be that she's doing it just to make sure you can't see it with them first and not because she wanted to do something fun with them. If she pays off a bill, it has to be because she's just trying to dig at you and not because she worked her ass off to make enough money to pay for something. If she is happy dating someone else, she must be trying to make you jealous and not moving on with her life. This one is most fascinating of all to me. Dr Phil says that you wouldn't worry so much about what people thought of you if you knew how little they did and I think this applies in spades to divorcees that suffer from this complex. If she IS dating someone else to get back at you, do yourself a favor and ignore it. If she's taking them to movies first just to bug you, find something else you can do to bond with your kids and ignore it. Stop turning everything into an agitated response and the thrill will disappear for the few that are actually doing this. In most cases, though, they're just moving on with their lives and doing the best they can.
Having been through a divorce (and being a child of divorce), I have experience of my own on these topics but watching friends and family divorce has given me ample opportunity to observe this phenomenon. My suggestion to divorcees is this: Put your kids first, do the best you can to take care of them and understand that things are going to be very different but they don't have to be argumentative and evil.
Most states require you (and, in some states, the children) to take a class This class discusses how you should make certain that you're not bad-talking your ex to or around the kids. It discusses ways to handle various situations and how to avoid arguments. It's based on the premise that you are divorcing your spouse but your CHILDREN are not divorcing your spouse. It's claimed that these classes help. I'd really like to see some in-depth studies on how effective these actually are with the adults involved. My life experiences have led me to believe that most of the "students" in these classes simply amplify their own perspective. If you go into it with an eye-rolling, "I don't give a crap" attitude, you will leave with that same attitude. If you go in with a receptive, kind attitude, you will leave with that same attitude. Realistically speaking, bitter divorcees are not going to have their lives transformed with these classes. They are more inclined to behave like a high school senior schlubbing their way through the class that they just took to get the credit: they only pay a little bit of attention and retain none of the information. So why require it? If it's not actually doing any help, why require adults to go through this? The idea is puzzling to me.
The waiting period for a divorce is incredibly long in most states Ok let's be realistic....most couples that file for divorce don't even wait until the divorce is finalized before they begin the process of dating. A prolonged process doesn't stop this and it certainly doesn't normally result in reconciliation. There are always exceptions. I could understand this law applying to those that are listing their reasoning as "irreconcilable differences." If your reason for divorcing is infidelity, abuse, or something of the like, you are very clear about your decision and waiting a year is not going to change that. As the matter of fact, more abuse and infidelity can occur within that year while you are still legally tied to this person. So why is it so prevalent a requirement?
There seem to be three types of divorced couples: 1-Both parties are civil and move on with their lives keeping their children's best interest at heart (rare) 2-1 party is civil and is moving on while the other concerns themselves with "revenge" on their spouse 3-Both parties are maniacal in seeking ways to make the other party miserable. In examples of the first type, BRAVO...no seriously, bravo. You are acting like an adult about the situation and realizing that your marriage didn't work and you made a conscious decision to change your status while still focusing your attention on your children. You're awesome. In examples of type 2, I am speaking specifically to the civil party when I say "hang in there." Don't worry about what your ex is saying. It says more about them than you. In examples of type 3, you are the most puzzling to me. Why? Why do you still feel the need to seek "revenge?" You got divorced so you didn't have to be tied to them, yet you're tying yourself to them in every single instance where you spend your time and effort to do something just to make them mad. Why would you even bother?
The people that feel the most concerned with pointing out that their ex-spouse is the psychopath is usually the one most concerned with people discovering their own actions. If you are walking around doing nothing but trash talking your ex 24/7, you are just as much of a problem as they are. If you are spending your time hiring private investigators to out their indiscretions, you are just as much of a problem as they are. If you are spending all of your time telling your remaining friends how big of an ass they are, you are the problem too. If you truly believed their actions are awful, you'd let them speak for themselves instead of feeling the need to run behind them, sweeping up the scraps of bitterness and showing them off to everyone.
Making your friends and family pick sides This is another one I don't fully understand. I didn't want or care if my family or friends picked sides in my divorce. In fact, I just didn't choose to discuss many of the details. It was a private matter. Those that sprawl the details of their divorce out to any friend or family member that will listen seem more, to me, like they're looking for attention than advice. It's designed to rally the troops and it's nonsense. It's one thing to confide in your nearest and dearest. Honestly, those people probably already knew there were problems beforehand anyway. It's another thing to fill people's newsfeed with status updates that give vague attention-seeking details of your private affairs. It's juvenile and ridiculous.
and finally....
The idea that EVERYTHING your ex does is a stab at you. It seems that there's often one (or both) party that believes that everything their ex does is stab at them. If she (and I'm only using the feminine pronoun as an example) wants a later pickup one day, it has to be to inconvenience you and not because she had an errand to run and thought you might want more time with the kids. If she takes the kids to a movie, it has to be that she's doing it just to make sure you can't see it with them first and not because she wanted to do something fun with them. If she pays off a bill, it has to be because she's just trying to dig at you and not because she worked her ass off to make enough money to pay for something. If she is happy dating someone else, she must be trying to make you jealous and not moving on with her life. This one is most fascinating of all to me. Dr Phil says that you wouldn't worry so much about what people thought of you if you knew how little they did and I think this applies in spades to divorcees that suffer from this complex. If she IS dating someone else to get back at you, do yourself a favor and ignore it. If she's taking them to movies first just to bug you, find something else you can do to bond with your kids and ignore it. Stop turning everything into an agitated response and the thrill will disappear for the few that are actually doing this. In most cases, though, they're just moving on with their lives and doing the best they can.
Having been through a divorce (and being a child of divorce), I have experience of my own on these topics but watching friends and family divorce has given me ample opportunity to observe this phenomenon. My suggestion to divorcees is this: Put your kids first, do the best you can to take care of them and understand that things are going to be very different but they don't have to be argumentative and evil.
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