Shower Time....and Mom Loses Her Shit

It's 7:30 PM on a Sunday night and I'm relatively certain that I'm developing gray hair as I type.  Why? It's shower time in my house.  Yesterday  I posted on why trying to relax in the tub isn't fun for me.  Today, I'm writing about why shower time in my house will put me at a code blue stress  level for at least a half an hour each time.  Allow me to set the stage:

We finish dinner and the dinner dishes are cleaned by 6:45.  Dessert has been served and the kids and I are sitting around hanging out and having fun until I mention that dreadful trigger word: shower.  Now, two of my kids shower in the mornings so only two of them have to shower at night but all four actively protest nighttime showers, nonetheless.  The process starts with an argument over whose turn it is to go first.  One party can present a locked tight, paid in full case as to why they shouldn't have to be first and the other will blatantly argue.  It's never anyone's turn to go first.  When I finally loses my shit and say, "You (blindly pointing at whichever one is nearest)! You, go get in the shower, NOW!" they have the gall to act surprised and then resign themselves to head towards the bathroom, which is where the real fun begins.

We are now sitting at around 7:10 because the whole process of arguing has taken this long.  The first child to shower has left the room to gather their clothes.  Ten minutes later, the shower still hasn't started.  In fact, the bathroom door is still wide open and the children are nowhere to be found.  I finally hunt down the child who is supposed to be showering wrestling with his brother in the bedroom. Pajamas are still in the drawer and he has completely forgotten he is supposed to be showering to begin with. His brother KNOWS he's supposed to be getting in the shower and, upon seeing me, simply points at him and then sputters that he told him he needed to get in the shower but he just wouldn't listen.  I get his attention and point towards the bathroom.  He quickly grabs his pajamas and goes to get in the shower.

In a matter of seconds he comes out with a completely drenched head, pajamas still clinging to his body and declares, "Done."  Nevermind the path of aquatic destruction he has left before, during and after his shower.  Nevermind the fact that he used his towel to step out of the shower on (despite there being a shower mat) or that he didn't turn off the shower before he got out so the entire floor is drenched.  Nevermind the fact that he didn't bother to dry off his body at all but applied his lotion so he is covered in a white film but is completely soaked still.  None of this is important; he is done.  It is now 7:21.

He lets his sister know that it's time to get into the shower.  His sister, moving on her own time, finally decides to head to her bedroom to get her clothes.  Meanwhile, the oldest is playing Mother Hen telling her that she needs to hurry, she needs to pick out warmer pajamas, she needs to comb her hair before she gets in.  The youngest is now harping back, telling the oldest to mind her own business.  Now they're arguing and no one is getting in the shower.  I give a warning to head into the bathroom NOW and she argues the whole way down the hall, getting smartass retorts from the oldest who is still sitting in her chair in the bedroom.  She gets to the bathroom door and the cat is in the way.  Then the cat moves and the lotion is still on the counter.  That gets resolved and she's losing her brain because her brother forgot his clothes on the bathroom floor.  Now a whole new argument begins over the clothes.  Again, I lose my shit and tell her to just get in the shower and deal with the clothes later.  Huffing and a firmly closed door say that she's irritated but she FINALLY gets in the shower. .... and I have developed an eye twitch and about seventy seven gray hairs.

I know I'll be banging on the door twenty minutes from now telling her that she needs to hurry up in the shower or she's gonna melt the ice caps and kill the polar bears, but for now I'm just going to close my eyes, count to ten and remind myself that shower time only comes once a day....thank God!

Baths Aren't Fun for Moms

Baths in my house aren't any fun, at least not for me.  My choice to indulge in a "peaceful bubble bath" is a cruel joke almost every time.  I'm sure most mothers can relate.  In fact, I'm sure there are some reading this, raising their hands and praising that someone can identify.  For those with no children, let me paint you a picture of what it's like.....

The minute you close the door, anyone that is able to walk has a tiny silent alarm sounded.  They, now, know that it's "go time."  It's time for them to stop whatever they're doing right this second and rush to the door.  Depending on their age, they might stick their fingers under the door or knock but it happens...every....single..time.

If you make it past the initial door closing without interruption, you now have to run the water.  Likely the water isn't warm because you've spent all night giving kids baths, doing dishes and washing laundry.  Maybe the tub is dirty because you've spent the night scrubbing muddy toddlers.  Nonetheless, you run the water and climb into the tub.

If you've made it this far, you have experienced a true miracle.  Now comes the fun part.  There will be  no less than thirty seven knocks on the door to ask questions that are not at all relevant.  It doesn't matter if there's another adult in the house.  It doesn't matter if you thought the kids were asleep.  Somehow, some way, you will have no ability to enjoy your bath.

After you've had the thirty seventh question (if not before), you'll conclude that it's impossible to relax and get out of the tub, more tense than ever and not even soaked enough to prune up.  You'll completely skip the lotion you religiously apply to the toddler in your life and throw on your pajamas that are now half sticking to you because you didn't have time to dry off.

Then you open the door and...surprise.....no kids.  It's like whatever need they had was fixed the minute your feet hit the tile floor by the bathroom door.  They're now silent, happy and involved in their own activities. 

And THAT is why baths are not fun for moms.  Think of it this way...someday you will think the house is TOO quiet.

Christianity vs Pro Choice stance

I get asked frequently questions about how I can "be a Christian and support gay marriage" or "be a Christian and be pro-choice."  I've previously written a post about Christians criticizing Christians so I won't go into that much.  You are free to go back and read that post if you're concerned with my stance on the topic.  In short, the definition of Christian is believing that Christ was born of a virgin, lived a sinless life, died on the cross for our sins and rose again 3 days later before ascending into Heaven.  My belief is quite clear on that topic.  In terms of other topics, here is how I can support these movements and still be Christian:

 I won't argue the point that it says very clearly in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin.  There are many clearly defined sins in the Bible and the Bible also very clearly states that no one sin is worse than another.  I'm not going to argue the Bible's perspective.  What I'm going to say is that God clearly defined to us in the New Testament that our two most important commands were to love others as Christ loved the church and love God.  I'll repeat that....love others as Christ loved the church and love God.  You see, as a Christian, my call is to love others.  Is homosexuality for me?  No.  Do I dearly love some very special people in my life that are homosexuals?  Yes and I don't do so in spite of their choice; I do so because I love them for who they are.  I love them as Christ loved the church.  Christ loved us exactly as we are.  He didn't tell us to change this, this, this, this, and this and THEN He'd love us.  If we are called to be like Christ, my perspective is that my first job is to love God unconditionally.  My job is to not to preach the gospel and I don't believe God wants us to Bible beat.  I believe God wants us to live the kind of life that people see God's goodness through us and ask how we achieved that.  If they, then, accept God in their heart, their choices in life are between them and God.  I'll say that again, they're between them and God.  It's not our lot in life to walk around preaching unless we've been called to be pastors, etc.  What I'm saying, quite simply, is that a whole lot of Christians seem to take it upon themselves to walk around preaching to everyone on what they should and shouldn't be doing and it chases everyone away.  Instead, just love people and live your life with God shining through.  He has a way of working through you that you will never understand.  What people do is between God and them.  Just love them as you're called to do.

Abortion is a very different topic but same concept.  Here's my opinion: abortion is murder.  I feel like life begins at conception and that killing that life intentionally is, by definition, murder.  I have suffered miscarriages and cringed at the term "spontaneous abortion", though it is a very clear medical definition.  I, personally, would have a very difficult time choosing abortion as an option (though it doesn't apply to me currently as I have no uterus anymore).  My particular beef is with late term abortions.  My feelings on Planned Parenthood harvesting and "selling" (I don't think their verdict was even CLOSE to correct) fetal tissue is that it is monstrous.   I feel like late term abortions that occur once a baby has the ability to breathe in the outside world (even if it requires a bit of assistance), in particular, are absolute acts of murder. If your baby could be born and let out a cry to let you know he's there, I can't see how you wouldn't think that he was alive. With that said, I repeat what I said before: what people do is between God and them.  If asked, of course I will share my opinion on abortion.  I will gladly listen to yours, as well.  I couldn't make that choice for myself but what you do is between you and God.  Period.

So how can I blatantly say that I'm pro gay marriage and pro life?  The answer is simple.  I believe in our country celebrating freedom.  Just because I don't own a gun doesn't mean I can't support other people's rights to.  Just because I don't choose to have a relationship with a woman doesn't mean I can't support other people's right to.  Just because I couldn't choose abortion for myself doesn't mean I can't support other people's right to have one.  I support gay marriage because I believe that everyone has a right to feel true happiness.  I support a woman's right to choose because I believe she should have the freedom to do so (though I think that abortions should be limited to the first trimester).  So what you're saying is that you support everything so you're okay with someone going out to murder someone else because it's freedom. No, of course not.  So what's the difference? A first term abortion is done before a baby would be viable outside of the womb.  Do I still consider it murder? Yes.  Would that life be viable if it were born at the second it was aborted? No.  That's the difference for me.  What you do with yourself and your body is your choice but I believe that we should have the freedom to decide.

My closing thought on this would be legislation on these topics..... Gay marriage should be legal.  Homosexual couples should be allowed the same benefits that straight couples are allowed.  In terms of abortion, I feel that it should be limited to first term abortions and that it should not be funded in any way, shape or form by the government.  I believe that birth control should be readily available in order to prevent the need for an abortion and I do believe that all abortion participants (unless it is a product of rape or incest) should be required to undergo counseling, an ultrasound/fetal Doppler, and a full discussion of options.  (There are plenty of people that would be happy to pay your medical bills and adopt your baby if you don't want it).  Being a Christian doesn't mean that I have to agree with everything that someone does or that I can't support their choice to do so.  Period.

Correct Anatomical Terms

I read all these studies (usually posted by what I refer to as "granola moms") talking about teaching your children correct anatomical terms for their genitals.  Supposedly it teaches them self confidence and "discourages perpetrators."  Now let me clarify something: I'm not for or against teaching them correct anatomical terms.  I am of the opinion that whether or not my son calls his penis a "penis" or a "weiner," has no effect on his self-confidence.  You know what affects his self confidence?  Talking to him every single day, encouraging him, and letting him know that he can talk to me about everything.  How, you ask, do I let him know that he can talk to me about anything?  Two simple phrases (and backing them up with actions) are involved. 1- "I can't help you resolve something if I don't know what it is." 2- "I understand.  We'll figure it out. Thank you for being honest."

"I can't help you resolve something if I don't know what it is."
We're parents.  We can tell when something is up.  It's like Spidey sense.  Maybe your kid doesn't want to talk to you about it.  This simple phrase has been repeated over and over since my kids could walk and talk.  The result?  They understand that I'm willing to help them with any problem.  Sometimes I have to grit my teeth because it's not something I'm super comfortable with.  Sometimes I have to bite my tongue because I want to tell them how to handle a situation with their friends.  Most of the time, though, it's a matter of TRULY listening to them and trying to understand what the problem is.  Then we talk about what might be happening on the other side of it and how to handle it.  My daughter, at a very young age, talked to me about a UTI and the sensation of pain when she peed and she didn't have to use the word "vagina."  As a teenager, she's very confident with who she is and knows that she can talk to me about anything.  No "correct anatomical terms" required.

"I understand.  We'll figure it out. Thank you for being honest."
That first part is the most important.  They know I understand.  I will straight tell them that I don't necessarily understand the situation but I understand what they're saying.  I understand the feelings they're trying to convey.  You see, instead of being overly concerned with "correct anatomical terms," I've concerned myself with teaching them correct emotional terms.  They know the difference between mad and frustrated, sad and depressed, and so on.  They have been taught from a very young age that no one has a right to put their hands on you PERIOD.  They aren't allowed to hug you, have you sit in their lap, or touch you in ANY way without your permission.  More importantly, they know that if anyone even attempts to do so, they have my permission to fight back and fight hard and I will back them 100 percent.  They know that no one is more important than they are and it doesn't matter if it's a friend, teacher, or anyone else, no one is allowed to make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable in a physical sense.  I've focused on teaching them how to express themselves and how to protect themselves and that IF they are faced with a situation, they know how to talk to me immediately.  Period.

My final point on this matter is this: Disgusting child predators are not concerned with whether or not a child calls her private parts by it's correct name or not.  They wouldn't care if your child could name every single body part they have on a detailed diagram.  In my opinion, telling people that their child will be confident if they "just do this" is misleading.  Predators are predators because they view your children as prey.  They look for their weaknesses and move in for the kill.  If you want to instill confidence in them, talk to them and teach them every day.  Be honest and tell them that there are bad people in this world.  Be honest and tell them that sometimes it can be someone you know.  Be honest and discuss with them how to handle it if someone ever tries it.  Stop focusing on whether they call it a "vagina" or a "hoo hoo" and focus more on them knowing that no one is ever allowed to touch it.  Period.

Things That Boys Need to Hear

Single parents often have to play a duel role and if they're lucky, as I have been, they will have friends (and family) that will step up to fill in some of the blanks.  Moms can never truly be to a boy what his dad is.  It's a very special role that's impossible for us to fill no matter how hard we try.  (And I'm NOT saying that millions of moms don't do a tremendous job because they do).  With all of that said, there are still a million and one things that we can teach our sons.  Here are some of the things I try to teach my sons....

BE A GENTLEMAN.  I'm old fashioned.  I believe in opening doors for a woman and acting like a gentleman (and I enforce to my daughters that they need to be a "lady" in the same way).  Clown around with your friends but understand that you need to be a gentleman when there is a lady present.

IT'S OKAY TO SAY WHAT YOU ARE FEELING.  I enforce with all of my kids that things can't be fixed unless you say what's going on.  Don't lie.  Don't bottle it up.  Say it.  There are productive ways to present an issue and unproductive ways.  Speak kindly be honestly.

YOU NEVER PUT YOUR HANDS ON A WOMAN.  Now this is a catch-22 because I don't want them believing that it's okay for a woman to beat them bloody.  I tell them that men often grow to be bigger and stronger than woman are.  While a woman may shove you and you'll get ticked off, you shoving her can actually really injure her based on size.  Don't EVER put your hands on a woman and if a woman puts her hands on you, walk away and do NOT pursue any further relationship with that woman.  Abusers are abusers and I'm not intending on raising one.

PAY ATTENTION TO THE WALLFLOWERS.  I know it's tempting to eye ball the head cheerleader or some other popular girl but pay attention to the wallflowers.  They may bloom later but, believe me, they are often much more fabulous for a lot longer in life.

DON'T EVER MAKE A GIRL FEEL BAD ABOUT HER BODY.  I know that the media will have you believe that the cosmetically enhanced perfect teeny weeny  girls are "perfect."  The fact is that if you have to spend that much money to make yourself "perfect," there's probably something wrong with you emotionally.  If she's thin or chunky, if she has freckles or acne, if she has curly hair or straight hair...look at who she is, not how she looks.

POPULARITY ISN'T WORTH IT.  Again, I know it's tempting.  It's human nature to want people to like you.  Many a dumb kid, though, has injured themselves trying to fit in.  Be who YOU are and the right friends will come to you.

and finally....

NERDS RULE THE WORLD.  I say this lovingly, as I am quite a nerd myself.  What this means to my family is that we should be more focused on academics than trying to be some sort of popular icon.  Focus on your academics and on the goals you want to achieve in your life.  Choose what you want to do and work toward that.  Athleticism is great but you can only perform as a professional athlete for so long.  Intelligence and education last forever.

I'm sure there are a million more things that I don't think about telling them but these are my focal points.

You're So Lucky That....

Okay infant and toddler moms, I get it. You're in the trenches.  Believe me, I don't envy you.  I know that it's a hand full to get virtually no sleep.  I know that it's stressful to deal with toddler tantrums, picky eaters, and hearing the word "no" about a thousand times a day.  I know that it's incredibly mind-numbingly frustrating sometimes to need to get things done and be unable to due to not disturbing nap time, a meltdown over giving your kid the red cup instead of the blue one, or anything else under the sun that toddlers can get upset over.  I tell you all the time how great you're doing and I would not take a word of it back but today, I want to tackle a specific comment that keeps getting tossed to parents of older kids from parents of infants and toddlers.  More specifically, it's the tone with which this comment is conveyed.

"Well I wish I got to (fill in the blank with activity).  You're lucky YOU don't have a little one."

You're absolutely right.  I AM lucky that I get to do things now that I couldn't do with an infant.  I truly am.  Here's the thing: I did my time.  We all did.  While  a whole lot of you were out partying and enjoying your early 20s, I was doing the "mom of infants and toddlers" thing.  No, I don't regret it.  No I didn't ask for your pity then and I won't ask for it  now.  But while I was up all night with a newborn and three sick kids puking their guts out, I didn't turn to you and say, "Well YOU'RE so lucky you get to do what YOU want.  I just never get a break."  Did I get a break?  Not a one.  Did I regret it or even bitch about it?  Nope.  Why?  Because it was my life and I knew that this too would pass.

I'm all for venting but there's a general rule that goes with it: Venting doesn't mean making someone else feel like crap so you can feel better.  Yes, I get that you're exhausted and frustrated.  I get that you're frazzled and you feel like it will never end some days.  If you are, somehow, misled into thinking it gets easier as they age, it doesn't.  It gets different.  You trade in tantrums for homework (which is no picnic, especially with common core).  Then you trade in helping with homework for teenage tantrums.  If you think toddler tantrums are a hand full, just wait.  The point is that all of us have our challenges with our kids and it's awfully condescending to tell a parent of a teenager that they're "lucky" because they get to sleep.  Guess what? We still don't. We're up worrying about our kids driving home at night after a date or how we're going to pay for that prom dress. 

So here's the best advice I can give on this: We're all in this together so let's encourage each other instead of guilting other parents for surviving the very thing you're dealing with right now.  The fact is that we will console you, listen to you vent and (in some cases) help you out but surviving those years is a rite of passage and you'll make it through just like we did.  Let's clink our glasses to encouraging each other.

Toddlers and Mixed Messages

Parents of toddlers, it is doing you no favors whatsoever to give your tots mixed messages.  Confused about what I mean?  Here are my top five examples....

1.  Smiling as you tell them "no-no".  This is the ultimate mixed message to a toddler.  I'm not suggesting your scream at them.  What I AM saying is that smiling as you're trying to correct them gives them the idea that you're not serious.  It's "cute" now but wait until they're 15 and doing the same thing.  It won't be nearly as cute and you'll wonder how to fix it way too late.

2.  Bribing them to do things by saying, "Don't you do that."  Okay so it might work sometimes to get them to eat a carrot.  Wait until they get hold of a sharpie and have it poised to draw on your new sofa.  Now tell them "Don't you do that" and watch the sofa get a new deco job.  Remember how you thought it was funny before?  Yeah it's not when it matters.

3. Giving in to stop the crying.  You know who you are.  Your toddler wants the package of fruit snacks and they need to eat dinner first.  You tell them "no" and they scream.  You continue to tell them "no" so they scream louder.  It continues until you finally give in and give them the fruit snacks....lesson learned.  Screaming = victory.  Guess how that will continue in the future.

4.  Undermining your child care.  If your day care takes your son's pacifier away when you walk in, don't give them their pacifier the minute they leave day care just because.  Pacifiers were intended for infants.  Why?  To help them self soothe before they're big enough to figure it out.  A 4 year old does not need a pacifier.  I'll say that again: A 4 year old does not need a pacifier.  This applies to  many things.  Comfort items? Fine.  But you picked your child care based on it being the best possible place for your kids.  Work WITH them not AGAINST them.  It'll make your life easier, their life easier and most importantly your child's life easier.

5.  Telling them their a "big girl" and then treating them like a baby.  Guess what.  Your little girl (or boy) is learning to be independent.  That means that you need to let them do that and, more than that, encourage it.  You WANT them to be independent.  Let them learn to be a big girl (or boy).  If you treat them like a baby, they will act like one....and it will continue into their school years.

I don't pretend to be an expert but I can tell you that experience has taught me these five are big 'uns.  Do yourself a favor and quit sending them mixed messages.  It will make your life easier and their life WAY easier in the long run.