Being Part of Your Community

Negativity is the norm in our world today and it makes me incredibly sad for a multitude of reasons.  The reason I'd like to focus on today, though, is our future generation.  Our children are a product of many things from genetics to environment and everything in between.  Some of these things we cannot accurately control.  We only have so much say over genetics.  We have no say over whether they are male or female.  We have no say whether they are more even tempered or more quick tempered.  Things we can't control are plentiful.

What we can have more control of is environment.  (Though, even this is not completely controllable.) Most of us concentrate on controlling the environment in our home.  This is, indeed, a great place to concentrate.  Kids thrive knowing that they have a safe place to go when nothing else feels right.  They need to know that there are people they can trust that will move mountains to make sure that they know that they are loved. 

What we seem to have lost focus on is our community.  We seem to forget that we are part of something bigger.  My favorite quote is "The only time that you should worry about what's on someone else's plate is to make sure they have enough."  We are taught and continue to teach to mind your own business and that's a great lesson for some things but we forget to teach the other half....we forget to teach that it's okay to worry about someone else when we want to help them.  We are supposed to give each other a hand up. (and please don't mistake this as me saying that we should be supporting freeloaders...I don't.)  We should be teaching our neighbors to fish, so to speak.

But why?  Why do we need to be part of our community?  Well I have a few big reasons....

1.  We complain about the state of our community.  We complain about violence and negativity but we do nothing to help it.   Our kids observe this and conclude that they don't need to worry about it either; that they should just complain instead.  This filters into the rest of their life.... why should I care about my school?  Why should I care about my family?  It just continues...

2.  It takes a village.  You may have an enormous support system but being part of your neighborhood means being part of something amazing and wonderful.  There's something to be said for knowing your neighbors.  There's something to be said for being part of the school, even if you aren't actually active in a PTA.  There's something to be said for being part of your community, as a whole.  Being friendly and learning about the people around you encourages your kids to do the same.  It encourages your kids to want to learn about people that are different and to socialize with them, as well.  It gets them out of the bubble of their school's influence and let's them experience the world at an early age, when you can still talk to them about what they experience.

3.  It's an opportunity to teach compassion.  It's an opportunity to teach your kids that there is always someone less fortunate than you are.  There is always someone who is struggling.  Even if you can't help them financially, you can help them by letting them know you're there.  You can help by helping them find the resources they need.  Teaching your children to be kind is a lesson that will stick for years to come.

4.  You teach your children how to live in the real world.  In our homes, we know the moods of those around us and we tend to unintentionally cater to those moods.  When you're out in the real world, you don't know who you're dealing with.  Being part of your neighborhood allows your children to see you deal with a grumpy salesperson and teach them that you never know what kind of day someone is having so spread kindness.  They'll get to see you say "hi" to people you don't know, hold doors, and tell your cashier to "have a great day."  They'll get to observe real-life interactions that will benefit them for years to come.  It teaches your child that, regardless of what TV shows would have you believe, kindness IS important and violence is NOT the answer.

5.  You show your kids that other kids need love too.  I posted this last week on acceptance.  There are some children that are just not fortunate to have a great home life.  It can manifest in a variety of ways but it often bubbles up as anger and violence over things they can't control.  We, as a community, can encourage them and let them know they're loved and have a place to talk or just vent if they need to.  When your children see you reach out and be there for another child, they see what true compassion, kindness and care is.  Caring for someone else emotionally is a huge thing and our children need to learn more of this and less of the anger and violence the media loves to show us.  It benefits the angry child, as well, and lets them know that there is a safe place to fall and that we will be there for them if they need it.

We can't change things overnight but we can work every day to make progress in our neighborhoods and in our own homes.

"A Girl Like Her: The Aftermath"

If you chose to watch the documentary from my last post, "A Girl Like Her", I hope you explored the website and saw the movies in the "aftermath" section.  If you did, you saw both sides of the story.  You got a chance to see what both the (former) bully and the victim felt six months later.  You got to see how they've changed and how their lives have changed.

I have a thought.....

What if we made it a priority, not just as parents, but as a community to make sure that every single child felt worthy?  What if we made it a priority to make sure that every single child felt loved?  What if we made it a priority to make sure that every single child felt like they had someone to truly talk to, no judgments?  What if we made it a priority to encourage positivity in our children and in our community and to make everyone feel welcome?  What if we made sure that everyone in our community felt like they were part of something bigger?

What if....?

I wonder if that would make a difference in the amount of bullying that takes place.  In the aftermath, the (former) bully reflects something that I find to be incredibly important and brave on her part: she says that "it gave her attention" and that "even if it wasn't positive, it was attention."  I feel like this speaks volumes in so many cases.  Think, if you will, about a toddler and what they will do for attention; they don't care if it's negative or not, they just want the attention.  Even we, as adults, do things to get attention and, often, don't care if it's negative or positive attention.  What if these bullies felt like they were wonderful just as they were?  What if these bullies felt like they were wonderful WITHOUT this attention?  What if we taught them to focus on what they are good at and praised them for their own strengths, whatever those may be?

I wonder if it would make a difference in the victims.  I wonder if this outreach would not just help bullies stop but would help the victims to feel stronger.  I wonder if it would help them feel more represented.  I wonder if it would help them feel more real.  I wonder if it would help them feel more empowered...I guess that's what I'd love to see more.  I want them to feel more empowered.  I want them to feel like they are amazing and perfect just the way they are and that they have strengths that are beyond their understand.  What if we praised them for their strengths, whatever those may be?  Would we help them to step out from behind those bullies and be more strong, empowered and safe?
Could we make them feel safer and more supported?

What if we made it a priority to make these kids know how wonderful we are?  What if, if a child's needs weren't being met in their home, we made it a priority to take that extra time?  Cook them a meal and just let them talk.  Be there for your children's friends.  Be there for those around you, even if it means taking a little time away from what you're doing.  What if we could let them know they're all loved and they're all unique and they're all wonderful?

"A Girl Like Her"

I just finished watching a documentary on Netflix called "A Girl Like Her."  This girl is a documentary about a young lady who is being bullied so severely in high school that she attempts to take her life.  As it happens, the bullying is secretly being documented by the young lady's best friend and by a small pin cam that she wears for at least six months.  In the end, the bully is shown the footage and has an epiphany about her behavior.  If I could show this documentary to everyone in the United States, I surely would.  Thank you to the filmmakers for this eye-opening look at what happens in this school.

There is a vast difference between just silly teasing and good-hearted fun and bullying.  So first off, let's not confuse the two.  The first (silly teasing and good-hearted fun) is done with a loving heart.  It's the kind of "teasing" that takes place in families and good friends.  It's done with a soft heart, both knowing that you're just joking.  It's funny to BOTH of you because it's done out of love and peace.

Then there is bullying.....

Bullying is ANY behavior in which you are treating someone negatively to make yourself feel better. It might be as "small" as deeming someone the smelly kid or the unpopular girl and openly teasing them about it.  It might be as "small" as bumping someone intentionally going down the hallway to show your superiority and make the other person feel small.  It might be as "small" as intentionally making someone feel like an outsider just because you can.  It might be as "small" as tagging someone in nasty photos on Facebook just to make them feel bad.  Bullying comes in many, many forms and even the small things hurt more than you can imagine.

For many, though, it's bigger than these "small" things.  For many, it's real every single day and it's relentless.  For many, it isn't "just" bumping in the hallway; it's in school, in texts, on social media, and everywhere else.  It's hateful words.  It's commands for suicide.  It's about a bully making them feel worthless every single moment of every single day.  It's not "just" one experience; it's experiences every single moment of every single day and it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel for them.

I want to direct something to them right now because I lived through bullying when I was younger (and bullying didn't extend to texts and social media).  You are stronger than you know.  You are smarter than you know.  You are more beautiful than you know.  I know it feels dark and it feels hard but there is a way to thrive.  You can do more than just survive.  You are wonderful and if you ever need a reminder of that, you let me know.

To the administrators in these schools, stand up.  Stand up for these kids.  You see it.  You know it's happening.  I don't care what the policies say....stand up.  Be that person.

If you're someone who's watching the bullying, stand up.  Tell someone.  You're bigger than you think you are.  You're stronger than you know and bullies will seldom continue behavior when there is a group of people standing up for their victim.  If they can't single someone out, they can't bully them.  Be there.  Be the person who stands up and stands firm.  Love your friends.  Just love them.

And if you're a bully, I hope you watch this film and it changes you.  I hope that, like the bully in this film, you have an epiphany.  I hope it reaches to your soul.

Thank you, again, to the filmmakers.  You have created a masterpiece that will reach to the core of the watchers and change lives.

For the love of God, Please Stop!

Fridays are normally fun days but today is my "for the love of God, please stop" day.  For the love of God and all things holy, PLEASE stop telling the people who are voting for the other candidate that they are trash.  This is happening on BOTH sides of the political parties right now.  Democrats are guilty.  Republicans are guilty.  All of the sudden, people feel like they have the right to judge someone else's identity based on who they're voting for.  It's like we don't have a free party system and we don't have the right to be different people.

I don't know about you but I don't want a cookie cutter nation!

If you are voting for Trump, fine.  If you're voting for Hillary, fine.  You are not condoning someone's bad behavior for choosing a particular candidate.  You are simply voting for who you think will best represent our country, as a whole.  Please respect other people's opinions and their right to do the same.

In closing, I'll just say this: if you think that ANY of our past presidents were without fault, you are crazy.  I'm sorry but you are.  Everyone one of them has some sort of scandalous behavior, just some bigger than others.  They are HUMAN and being human means they make mistakes.  If you've never done anything wrong, feel free to judge.  Yeah...that's what I thought.

So seriously, please stop attacking each other and focus on how we can work together to build back up the foundation of our country that is crumbling with all of this bickering.  

Assault on Victims

Okay just a quick nugget of opinion here:  Please, please, please don't just jump on a bandwagon and assume an assault victim isn't an assault victim because they waited too long to say something.  There are women out there that accuse of assault as revenge; this is true.  More often than not, though, there are victims that are terrified of someone's power.  They are terrified of what will be done to them by someone who has a lot of money, power, or just influence in general.  They are terrified that they will be treated like filth.  They are going through a range of emotions that most people will never understand.  So, please, don't assume that someone is not a victim based on time.  You never know what they've been through.

Being Offended

It seems like everything today sparks someone to say, "I'm offended that he/she said that."  I think "offended" might be overused.  In my mind, people are "offended" far too much.  Here are my feelings....

Everyone will not always agree with you.  Disagreeing does not mean that someone is insulting you.  Having a different opinion does not mean that someone is insulting you.  Someone listing facts to debate your argument is not insulting you.  Are you starting to see the trend?

Here's the deal: you can't control what people say to you but you can definitely control how you react to it.  Getting offended is a choice.  You can choose to just accept that someone has a different opinion.  You can accept that they have a different lifestyle.  You can accept that they have a different way of thinking.  Does it mean that they're right and you're wrong?  No.  You're not making a choice to give in; you're making a choice not to let what they think affect who you are.  You're making a choice to have control of your emotions instead of letting someone else do so.

Talk to Your Opponent

I'm going to say something that might not be very popular.  I want you to take some time over the next couple of weeks to talk to someone that thinks very differently from you.  Maybe they're different politically.  Maybe it's spiritually.  Maybe it's a different parenting style.  Whatever the case may be, talk to someone who thinks very differently.  Listen, truly listen.  Don't listen to argue.  Listen to truly hear what their passion is on the topic

Why?

Because you don't know what truly know how to debate an issue without knowing what is on the other side.  Because you may change your perspective, whether that means you strengthen your argument for the same side or you change it for the other side.  Because you may find that just knowing what your differences are will make you realize that you're not that different at all. Because the more you hear about different stories and different perspectives, the more you may realize that life is about learning and loving.

Look, it might not change a thing about the way you view things.  Just give it a try.