Raising a Teenager is Like.....

I love my kids but I fear for my sanity as they edge into the realm of the teenage years.  I'm told there is a Mother's Curse that makes your kids like you times a hundred.  I was actually thrilled to hear it as I was a really easy-to-deal-with teenager.  I held a job, did advanced classes, and hung out with good people.  I didn't really get into much trouble and I was relatively respectful compared to other teenagers.  I'm not entirely sure where some of the crap comes from if the Mother's Curse is true because I did NOT pull this stuff at all.  I'm ready to pull out my hair some days out of frustration.  So here is my synopsis of how raising a teenager is like training a monkey....

Raising a teenager is like trying to teach a monkey to use the toilet.  No, I'm not saying that they're dumb.  Teenagers are the farthest things from dumb as are monkeys.  With that being said, a monkey has no interest in using the toilet and a teenager has no interest in listening to their parents.  Trying to force them into it leads to eye rolls, attitude and the nails-on-a-chalkboard "Whatever" that makes me want to reach for the Midol blow darts.

Raising a teenager is like dodging the poo that the monkey throws at you.  Monkeys, by instinct alone, throw poo.  It's a defense mechanism but they also do it for fun or because they're frustrated or angry.  Having a teenager throw attitude at me works much the same way...it's like dodging the poo.

Raising a teenager is like trying to understand the screeches and grunts of the monkey.  Just like I can't understand a monkey trying to communicate with me, a teenager's attitude and roundabout everything-is-mom's-fault attitude is completely unintelligible as well.  Don't get it...probably never will.  All I can do is smile and nod and remember that they'll have kids someday too.

Raising a teenager is like looking at how sweet and mellow those monkeys look...right before they jump on you and eat your face.  Yep, I said it.  They're so sweet and mellow.  They're absolute angels...and then they pounce and you're left wounded and wondering what the hell just happened while they sit and happily gnaw on your nose.

Raising a teenager is like trying to feed a monkey a steak dinner.  You waste all of your time and effort creating this amazing "meal" for the monkey when all the monkey wants is a banana.  You waste time and energy trying to do all of these elaborate things to make your teenager feel like you care when the reality of it is that teenagers are in their own world...they just want the banana.

and finally....

Raising a teenager is like chasing a monkey in the jungle....they're better at climbing and swinging and you're really just wasting your time.  You can try, as you might, to keep up with the monkey in the jungle but in the end, you're wasting your time.  Teenagers are going to be teenagers no matter what.  You can drill respect into them and teach them right from wrong but hormones still exist and they're still gonna be jerks sometimes. 

Moral of the story?  Teenage attitude is not a sign of your parenting, good or bad.  They're gonna mess up, make bad decisions and act like jerks sometimes.  All you can do is keep trying to "train the monkey" and trust that, in the end, you're gonna end up with great results.