I went to my conferences for two of my kids last night and got great reports. Brilliant kids. Very sweet and helpful. Great grades. Great understanding of the content. Great ability to problem solve. Absolutely fantastic. It made me proud. That's not what I'm writing about today, though.
During my sixth grade son's conference, his teacher was bragging about how much she loved him because he has such a friendly attitude. She shared with me that a good portion of the kids in the class are not very friendly and have many cliques. She shared that there is one boy, in specific, that they are just awful to. We'll call him "David", just for the sake of giving a name (and it is nowhere NEAR his actual name, just so we're clear). They have created a "David-touch" that is essentially the equivalent of "cooties." They mock him constantly and treat him terribly. But not Daniel. Daniel treats him with kindness. Daniel tries to include him. Daniel will pick him as a partner first because he doesn't want this boy to feel left out.
I felt two things over this: 1-Pride in my son, Daniel, for being such a sweet, compassionate, and kind friend that sees past what others tease over. 2- Complete and utter sadness, but also frustration for this little boy.
Schools have started these zero tolerance bullying policies. They claim that these policies will help prevent children from being ostracized, teased and bullied. The fact is that many of these policies seem to protect the bully more than the victim. More often than that, the bully has a team of cronies that will lie for him or her. The lies, in turn, get the other child into trouble. More than that, some of these kids are victimized simply for the fact that they won't speak out. They're afraid. They're intimidated of the other kids. It's exactly what the bully wants.
I keep hearing from all of these touchy feely people how we've come so far from "the old days." Well, now our kids know how to express emotion. Well, now our kids know how to stand up for themselves. The fact is that things are worse now than ever. All of this touchy feely business is doing the exact opposite. A good portion of these bullies are coming from homes where they're taught to express their emotions. The problem is that they're not being taught how their behavior affects those around them. Example: Child A hits Child B because Child B will not give Child A the toy they want. Child A's parent steps in and asks what happened. Child A explains that they wanted the toy. Child A's parents softly and gently tell them to take turns and be patient. Child B isn't consoled for their victim status, but is instead made to think that Child A's behavior makes them the victim.
You see, unintentionally, we are teaching our kids that the bully is the victim. We pay more attention to the person doing the bad things, thinking that we need to focus our attention on them and "teach" them how to behave correctly. Parents are so concerned with not hurting kids' feelings that they are shirking their responsibility to teach children to be productive members of society. We make it everyone else's responsibility by saying things like, "If you see someone being bullied, tell an adult" and then we tell them not to tattle. We take away their ability to truly help the situation by intervening and saying, "Hey knock it off" because the subsequent altercation would result in THEM getting into trouble.
The other thing we are unintentionally teaching them is to be concerned with what others think. Parents are watching TV, reading magazines and trying to dress like, look like, do their make up like all of these celebrities. We aren't teaching our kids to love themselves where they're at because we're so convinced that we need to feed them constant encouragement for every little thing that we do. Instead of acknowledging that they have weaknesses and quirks, we tell them that they don't need to worry about those things. Then, when they are teased about these weaknesses or quirks, they don't know how to handle it. We aren't teaching them to love themselves. We're teaching them to love only their good qualities. Then we wonder why they don't have the confidence to stand up and say, "Yeah, I have big ears. Your point is?"
The truth is that bullies don't just do it to get a rise out of you anymore. Bullies do it for the reaction from others. They are busy entertaining their friends and, in some cases, social media. It starts younger and younger nowadays and it's terrifying for parents to see it. So what can you do? Well here's my take on some things that you can do.
1. Stop the constant overwhelming praise for every little thing. Teach your child that it's okay to fail and then practice to get better. It's okay to have a physical quirk because that's what makes you unique. Teach them to love that quirk. Teach them to love their weaknesses. Then, no one can make them feel bad about them down the road.
2. Stop giving attention to the bully in the situation. If your child (even as a toddler) is being a bully, acknowledge their behavior and SET THEM ASIDE. Give the attention to the victim and make certain that they know how to deal with the situation in the future. THEN give the bully a talk about what's appropriate. Let the bully AND the victim know that the victim is the one deserving of attention.
3. If you get ANY word that your child is bullying at school, discipline appropriately. My personal suggestion? Find out the number of the child they're bullying and arrange a visit with their family where your child has to APOLOGIZE. Find out what they have in common.
4. Teach your child compassion. Teach them that no one likes to feel left out. More than that, teach them WHAT TO DO if they see someone being left out.
5. Teach your child to not worry about popularity. Teach them that it's not a big deal if Susie Q has Fancy Pants jeans, you need to pick the clothes that make YOU happy. You need to pick the activities that YOU enjoy. When your child learns to embrace who they are, they take away a bully's power.
I truly hope that the children bullying this boy get a true dose of karma coming back to them in the coming years. And then I hope that this boy has an opportunity to be kind to them and show them what a genuinely kind person does because THAT'S what it's all about.
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